Need to get out, but want to stay

I am so sad, frustrated, unsure right now. My husband of 1 year (together for 2 before that) and I have recently decided to separate....sort of. I know, truly I know, that I need to RUN and not look back. I have heard all of this advice from those who have lived it. I have ignored the red flags, and chose to marry this man after discovering (through this website) that undiagnosed ADHD is what has been affecting our relationship all along (and his two previous marriages I might add). Before making the final decision on marriage, I felt informed on what I was getting into and that it would be a lifelong struggle. I am a patient person. I am a "fixer" who feels like someone needed to give this loving man a chance at a good, happy relationship. I loved him enough to be that person. So, I jumped in....well, after calling off the marriage twice ;) Now, a year into it, things have been up and down, up and down, and for once I would like a stable relationship. Yet, I don't seem to be able to let go.

Things have been pretty good recently. We have started counseling with a great therapist (she's also ADHD, so I'm not sure if that's a good or bad thing). Yet stupid little things set him off to such a degree that he can go from the most loving, awesome man to a cruel, spiteful person without an ounce of love in a matter of moments. He threatens divorce whenever we get into a big argument, it is ALWAYS my fault (I'm such a nag), talking things through just makes it elevate. The children (we have 5 still living with us) have gone through this roller coaster with us, and I feel horrible that we are putting them through this.

My problem is, I don't want to give up. I don't want to feel like a failure yet again. This is my second marriage. My first dragged on for 12 years, and I am almost positive that he was also ADHD. I just had NO clue. Apparently I am a glutton for punishment, and only fall for men with this condition. maybe it's because the courtship hyperfocus just blinded the heck out of me in both instances. I worry, at this point, if there are any good men out there left without ADHD. I've never known anything different. Yet, I feel I deserve more.

I know all this, and yet we both keep coming back to each other. It's like a horrible addiction that neither one of us can get out of. We go from, "Yes, we are divorcing" to "I can't live without you" within a day or two. It's driving me nuts. I just need some help and support to give me the backbone to just leave, and not look back.