Everybody NEEDS attention

In one of the lists of primary human needs, the need to give and receive attention is listed as NUMBER 1!   "Attention is a form of nutrition and without the right quality and quantity we will suffer mental and even physical distress and illness. It's vital to understand the importance of how much and of what quality attention we give and receive in life to feel happier and have the space in our minds to focus on long term dreams and goals."  Hypnosis Downloads

........  I have been starving for attention and didn't know it. Partly my own fault - playing the strong silent type. Partly being married to ADD guy who "does his own thing" most of the time.  Anyway tomorrow's first agenda is to get some attention for myself.  It is time to stop my own judging and not care what people think.  If my needing attention makes someone think I am a bore or selfish, that is for them to think.  I NEED some attention.  I have been giving it but not receiving it for way too long.  I am trying to do what I can do with ME because I am starting to realize I must stop trying to change DH into something I thought I needed him to be for me.  Enough attention for me to be emotionally confident is not going to come from him.  I will find it somewhere.  Time to be my own best friend and get out there and LIVE.

 

Needing of Attention

I did a little research and remembered an old psychology class about human NEEDS. Maslow's hierarchy of needs which was the most popular known "needs" list has "connection with family", intimacy and community as number 3 on the list after physical needs (1) and safety (2).  Self esteem and respect from others is listed as number 4 on that list.  But still, attention is a NEED - not just a frivolous game or past-time. All of us spouses and ADDer's NEED attention from each other.

I often think about Maslow's

I often think about Maslow's hierarchy in the context of my marriage.  When my husband was fired, I felt as though a chair had been pulled out from underneath me.  I felt like I was being left to swing in the wind; no place to put my feet down. And then I remembered Maslow and level number 1:  the need for physical things, like food and shelter.  The loss of my husband's job meant the loss of income and potentially the loss of sustenance and shelter.  The combination of my underlying terror, although well hidden most of the time, and my husband's nonchalance and seeming indifference in the face of my terror (when I mentioned it to him) left me feeling extremely vulnerable.  We're doing OK now financially, but I still don't trust my husband to meet my level 1 needs and I don't think I'll ever be able to trust him to meet them.

Food, shelter, security, intimacy and attention needed

Some of us who feel uncomfortable with the terms co-dependency and neediness sometimes wonder what deficiency in us caused us to be that way.   We are needy because our basic needs are not being met very well if we let it up to the romantic notion that our "love and soul-mate" would provide for us in those ways.  When I was young, a girl didn't ask someone she loved if he would provide a living for food, shelter and security.  That was assumed.  In my case, DH has always been in love with the old tv commercial woman who sings, "I can bring home the bacon and fry it up in the pan."  Now these years later I realize that was HIS romantic notion of love and marriage. 

jennalemon

Uncomfortable meaning what?

I don't honestly feel that it's merely a "romantic notion", to get married and have the other person put you above all others, pay attention to you, aim to meet your needs, love, cherish...etc etc etc.  These words are even included in wedding vows.  In the non ADHD person, we fall in love, we want to do all these things for our partner, cherish, love, spoil, dote on......it's just the way we are wired.   SADLY, THEY ARE NOT.  Comes to be a harsh reality when you finally "get" that your partner is just going through the motions of everyday life and you just aren't the be all and end all to them.  When I got married, I didn't expect to be put on a pedestal and worshipped and adored.....NOT AT ALL......but I guess when you come to the hard realization that it will NEVER, NEVER, EVER happen......not even for a few minutes here and there, or when you are sick or have had surgery.........BUT you naturally, out of love and caring do it to them every now and then......it makes you realize, and even mourn a bit for what you will never have.  I hope that makes sense......I feel like I'm rambling sometimes ....sorry.

Grieving

I am definitely mourning the death of trust and hope that things might somehow change.  The grief is the loss of the dream. I am past denial and shock, past guilt and pain.  Sitting at anger and depression right now.  I must go through the stages of grief to get to reconstruction and hope. I will be glad when I get past this still sick-to-my-stomach anger.  

one more go

I feel a lot better in letting go of a great deal of anger: I think I have accomplished that; however, I don't want to be, but I am grieving. I told my DH last night: I just wish you would speak nicely to me. If you would say "I love you," or have kindness or affection in your tone, it would make me so happy." And the response was what I did to bring on such treatment, or how I didn't act loving, or whatever. I was begging, just asking my DH to be nice to me, and he just would do anything to excuse or justify his behavior. Anything. And I hate being ashamed to need the attention, to need affection or kindness from my DH, as if there is something weak or wrong with me that I would need it. Just hate being made to feel that that I am wrong or weak in needing it. 

 

Mmm That's Sad, But True

Something I have found extremely painful, was when you mentioned the sick part.

I find that in times where you'd expect a spouse to be there and need them most, not only are you dealing with no attention, but the actual treatment gets worse.

Not only will he never be there for me, but the pressure of anytime he feels "forced" into a position of meeting my needs out of circumstance, the behavior adds to whatever struggle I'm already going through.

It's exquisitely painful.

Absolutely

The reality of my experience gave me a chuckle with the, "I can bring home the bacon and fry it up in a pan."

I get that it's not REALLY funny, but the fact of relating is what brings the laughter.

From what I can tell, my husband expected I'd serve the convenient functions of his mother, plus bringing home income, minus the responsibility of having to be accountable to another person, ie "I'm a grown up and can do what I want now."

The problem being the complete lack of empathy of how this affects another.

It all pretty much cancels out in hope of closeness...

You're spot on!  It's hard to

You're spot on!  It's hard to feel like a wife to someone who behaves like a stereotypical teenager:  all rights, no responsibilities.

All 3 of you

You ALL say everything I feel and live, jennalemon, bilf and Rosered :(

Tonight was a BAAAAAD night.  Guessing the day was too long, and the medication was too short.  He was rambling on this evening to his Moms friend, telling story after story, adding nonsensical embellishment to everything that came out of his mouth.  Tried like hell to catch him, to get him to "cool it", but he just didn't get my drift.  So embarrassing and frustrating to watch a grown man make such a JACKASS out of himself.

Rosered...love the "all rights, no responsibilities"....you are NOT kidding with that one.  One of you also commented about him not having to be accountable to anyone.....that hit a nerve with me as well.

Also mentioned about when you are sick, he cannot deal with the fact that HE is not the center of attention.  I had an emergency surgery.  I was in a few days.  The day I was to come home, I let him know that I would be getting discharged soon.  Did he come right to the hospital and wait with me???? NO.  He did nothing.  I called him to have him come and he said in no uncertain terms, "I can't come right now, I am going out to lunch with my Mom and the kids".......I WISH I WAS KIDDING.  I somehow managed to get him to realize that I needed a ride NOW....but I got off the phone and cried for the half hour or more that it took for him to get there.

It's not getting easier.......we have hit a very bad place here.  Things were going so well....he has come so far.  Now the harsh reality of THIS IS AS GOOD AS IT GETS comes in.  I need to make some decisions here.

"Guessing..."

"Guessing," is really one of the worst things, in my opinion because most often I find I end up realizing my idea of cause and affect does not apply. Always wondering what surprise comes next. Left guessing, quite often, really.

Not sure how long you've been married, but I realized a couple years in that attempting to manage his public behavior, no matter how embarrassing, was a no win. I eventually just gave up on the idea that we'd ever have a mutual social life. The good news is he mostly appears to have not the slightest of clues when he's offending everyone around him, so it's really just no big deal to him. One of the things that motivated me to give up on the idea we'd ever have a social life is I got tired of being 'taken aside' and talked to about his behavior by others. It got old and humiliating.

Yep, I was the one who said the thing about not being accountable to anyone. Definitely isn't conducive to marriage and partnership. Talk about the death of a dream, that partnership issue.

I don't doubt at all your experience of your hospital stay. One of my worst nightmares would certainly be having to have him be responsible for my medical decisions if something happened. I've thought about that long and hard, as I have a health condition. There is no way I would allow him to actually make and life and death choice for me, the man who can't be there for me as is.

Case and point about the guessing and surprises:

I had an appointment today about my health condition. He knew I was completely stressed about it, or I guess maybe he didn't... always so hard to tell, yesterday he got completely po'd at me. My aunt, who I'd chosen to try and get emotional support from was apparently in his space. Nevermind 'in his space' involved a situation where he'd come home just to drop something off and was leaving immediately after. Not like he was staying or having any interest in what I was going through for gawd sake.

I cried and cried. I have come to hate when I do that because mostly it just reminds me of the shame in which I chose a husband who isn't there for me. I assume part of what happened is he actually wanted to be fishing today instead of doing something boring like being there for your wife. It's definitely a situation where I need someone to be there for me emotionally.

So needless to say, without a second of warning, in a time most folks expect a spouse to be there for them, less than three minutes from getting home from said appointment he bailed as he announced he was going fishing.

 

 

sorry

Wow, guys, I am really sorry to hear that in your most vulnerable time, your spouse wasn't there for you in the way that you needed and deserved. I am trying SO hard here, and have made some good progress. But, your posts remind me of the time I was recovering from surgery and my DH just could not take over. I hurt myself getting up and taking care of our kids because about two days after I came home from major pelvic surgery, he fell down in the floor with stomach problems. So I had to get up and take care of our 2 year old twins. Amazing to me that a grown man could not deal with a bout of diarrhea, or whatever, right after his wife had pelvic surgery. I am so sorry. Feeling so alone is the worst thing ever. 

lynninny

Similarities are endless, but when you said Pelvic surgery mine was a hysterectomy), and then twins ( I am a mom of twins as well), it was simply uncanny.

My surgery was almost 5 years ago to the day, but the pain will stay with me forever.  Not the pain from the surgery....that heals up pretty quickly.  The painful feeling I had the discharge day, when he told me he was too busy to come get me right then.  Boy, did that sting. To this day,  I was the one who overreacted and he is still quite unsympathetic regarding it.  Oh well. What can I do?

Another issue we have is that he LOVES attention.  As there isn't much he does to get "positive" attention, it is always about his most recent small injury or ache or pain.  We get to his Moms, and before I know it he starts. HAS to let his Mommy know of every bump and bruise and ache (hell we are almost 50...lotsa aches and pains suck it up dude) she then makes mention of it hourly if not more....."oh you can't do that, your poor arm" or "don't lift that case of water, you'll hurt your arm" (P.S she is almost 77).  It never ends.

Is This Some Kinda' Joke?!

This is too uncanny. I had surgery a few years back. We had a blast post ER visit while my pain meds were at their best. Surgery came and went. Got home, settled in, and my love went MIA. 

His pain, though? Yes. You had better believe that the world stops for it. Oye...  

UGH

Everything I read here is my life. I would say I am in the "shock" stage.  Yep.

Is there a site or something we can have live chats with other non ADD people when we need to vent or something?  

What have I gotten myself into?

Do you mind if I ask what the

Do you mind if I ask what the context of the conversation was...why he felt the need to 'come clean' to you? Could there have been a motive behind it? (to hurt you? to 'push' you to give him something sexual?) Do you think he was being completely honest or maybe embellishing for some gain? 

For all of the ways our lives are alike, you still have to focus on the individuality of your husband and also focus on the fact that he's actually getting help...which can make all of the difference in the world. The meds are often helpful in fighting many different impulsive behaviors. 

I am not sure why.  He took a

I am not sure why.  He took a "purity" class and I had no idea the content of this class. It was grossly mishandled. He read me his complete sexual history, which was different than what I had known and then said a little more every week for 3 months. If has been pure hell. He has lied the past 3 years we have been married. He also was NOT supposed to read that. It caused HUGE hurt. Yes, he said he was angry at me (because when he married me he never realized the responsibility that went with that and took it out on me but never said anything to me).  

That's why the lack of trust. Every week he said there was no more, then the next week there was more.  I think honestly it was a cruel payback, but he never said that.  He was single for 14 years and wanted both worlds still.

My heart has physically never hurt so much.

Sounds like 12 steps...

I just reread this, so sorry for over posting. In working my own 12-step program, I can't help but be struck by the fact that this "purity class" sounds like a BS way of doing an abbreviated program. Unfortunately, there are a bunch of others before and after that are meant to avoid exactly what happened to you and him not to mention a SPONSOR who might have advised another approach. (Step 9 - Made direct amends to such people unless doing so would injure them or others.) 

Combine this with impulsivity, anger, and resentment...  ouch. Actually [email protected]&$ing ouch! So sorry you went through that. 

If you can find a little part of your mind where you can stay in the present and remind yourself that the past cannot be changed it might help. Wishing for a better past doesn't help. (So I'm coming to learn myself.) 

Are you guys in therapy together? Perhaps this type of stuff would be be suited for that setting - not something on your own. I know if my guy was to go this route, I'd need some "liquid courage" and maybe a prescription or two if we're delving into details. 

12 Steps

I just read through the part of Dr. Hallowell's "Driven From Distraction" discussing using the 12 Steps concept and Several of the phases he recommends that you cannot do certain steps without help. I just thought I'd mention it.

Just keep breathing... ;)

Just keep breathing... ;) You've gotten yourself into a bit more clarity and support! That's what I found here. As it's been said, ADHD or not, there is still a vast amount of uniqueness to each of our spouses (and us, of course). There are a number of "quirks" in my guy that I think are only exaggerated by his ADHD. (For what it's worth, his T diagnosed me with ADHD, and the meds helped me a bit as well. Another T disagreed with that diagnosis, which I kind of liked since the crash at the end of a day's med dose was rough.)

There are webinars that go on and are very helpful, but no conference calls or chats with each other at this point. Hopefully some day. :)

I can only wish

I can only wish I could make this stuff up.  It's the truth.

Mine too.  2 hospital stays since we married, I STAY with him NO MATTER WHAT...him....eh...guess it's better he goes, he's so uninvolved and disconnected, I'd wind up hurt anyway.  Me, I meet him the second he is out of surgery, right in the post op room....him, he had gone to get dinner while I had the surgery and I didn't see him til I was headed back to my room.  Who really knows where he was or what he was doing. :(

That stinks...

I admit that I rarely know the right thing to say most of the time, but if my DW is sick or at the hospital, home from the hospital, whatever, I'm there and asking what I can do for her. How to make her comfortable, eat, drink... I am there. I know it annoys her that she has to tell me and I should just know what to do. I know I spent years in an ADD Fog, but when my DW needs help, I try to help however I can.

I felt horrible when my DW was in a VERY slow labor with DD#1. We induced at 7:30 am and around 1:00am she was still slowly progressing. I was there the entire time, but at 1am until labor Really began at around 3:30am I was nodding in and out of conciousness. I could not help it. Undiagnosed sleep apnea and undiagnosed ADD, I could barely function by then. When labor really started at 3:30, I was wide awake and completely involved, but she was mad that I was nodding off before hand...

Maybe your DH will "Get It" one of these days. Hang in there...   

YYZ

Oh certainly, one can always hope.  We have been married 25 years though.  He will be 50 in August.  Sadly, I don't see it happening.  He started the Adderall in January, and desperately needs a Psychologist, Life Coach or to do some reading at the very least.  He is totally unmotivated....He does none of them.  The Adderall did alot.  It really did, but just popping a pill every day DOES NOT seem like he is willing to do anything he possibly can to get his sh** together, as he promised when initially diagnosed and started the Adderall.

Adderall certainly removes the Fog

Then the real work starts... The books I've read have sure helped me understand more about all the affects of the ADD on me and the ones around me. I was 43 when I was diagnosed and just turned 47, so I am glad that the last half of my life can be a bit easier. Yes, I'm optimistic about the age :) The first few months after I began the Adderall were a little strange, because I felt so different. Maybe your DH is still getting used to his less clouded thought. Your knowledge of ADD is a real plus and further proof of how hard you have been working on your marriage. Keep up the great work. 

that's what HE doesn't get

You are correct.  Adderall has certainly lifted the fog.  Given him much more energy, even some bit of "focus".

However, you, yourself state that here..."Is where the real work starts".  Having been unmotivated by anything other than women or sex for the last 35+++ years, he has ZERO motivation to do anything regarding himself and getting better and fixing all that is sad and broken.  He has started cleaning and organizing his workshop and pretty much goes there EVERY SINGLE DAY, for hours on end.  He is used to hiding in one way or another and I suppose it's a hard habit to break.

As it goes right now, unless I plan on keeping life exciting, enticing and fun, fun, fun, every single minute we are together, I will see the straying pattern begin again soon.  However, I am at the point right now where I am feeling so ignored, so unimportant, and so TIRED of having to make this work 100% of the time, that I may actually end the marriage if he doesn't get counseling help and start taking part in HIS LIFE AND OUR MARRIAGE.

Habits (Groundhog Day Patterns)

Old habits and coping skills are real hard to change. You read first hand about my recent "Groundhog Day" pattern with my car debacle. The crappy thing is you cannot make him understand how his coping skills need changing. I've read my fair share about what to change and can still screw up. His workshop may be a comfortable place to start organizing, but he cannot let it be his Cave 24/7. I used to be upstairs on my pc doing the checkbook/bills, but I also searched the internet on my current interests making my main task take WAY too long. My DW would wonder "What is he doing up there?". At home these days I stay in the living room (Main public area), do my bills on my tablet and try to disconnect electronically when my DW is around, in hopes of creating more communication. I don't know how well this is working, but I know it is better than what I was doing.

As far as "Fun" goes... I've had to try and force us to do stuff like go out together, but household "Business" is usually the reason she declines. The disconnect kills and I did myself no favors last weekend. I hope things improve for you... 

I see myself so much in your

I see myself so much in your post. My guy (the ADHD one) started saying "I want ot have fun!" about 8-9 months ago. I resisted the urge to slap the every loving crap out of him. *I* want to have fun, too, but I forgot. I would be the one declining "fun" stuff due to all the work that needed to get done around the house. Ultimately, I was (and still am) jealous that he can do "fun" amidst the chaos. In studying hyperfocus, I'm realizing that my own hyper focus is on what's NOT getting done and the script as I've written it in my head. 

One thing I wish my ADHD guy could do is hold my hand and show/teach me that's it's quite alright to let go for a bit. The worries/problems/chores will all be there as soon as we get back from fun. No need to white-knuckle it through the day any more. 

My favorite saying when someone would tell me about an insane thing they were doing was "How's the working for ya'?" Well, when I turn that back on myself, being uptight about everythign that's NOT getting done instead of picking my battles and spending time on things that I WANT to do isn't really serving me too well. Letting go is scary - especially amidst all the anger and resentment I'm carrying around. 

The good news, though, is that I'm letting go. Perhaps as other non's do their own work, they'll learn to let go. 

I'm at a point now where I could turn to my guy and say "You think you can help me actually realize that it's okay to let go?" and see what happens. Do you think that that type of conversation can be broached on your end, XYZ? That assumes, of course, that if your DW is anything like me, she'll actually share with you the exact script she has written in her head (complete with blocking and facial expressions) so you can play along at home. 

Very interesting...

Years before I had any idea of my ADD, I used to tell my DW "I wish you could live with my Brain for one day, so you stop worrying about Everything for just a moment". I always split household and child duties for the most part, but was oblivious to things not in the schedule until they were blowing up in my face. After my Adderall awakening, I saw all the things that needed to be dealt with and began tearing up to-do's as fast as I could, like my DW. After a while I began to see that we could NEVER have Everything done, Ever... So we need to hit the big items and do a little stuff as a couple. She is still pretty resistive to the selfish behavior that I suggest, but may be seeing the light a little bit. The anger/resentment keeps the wedge going and if we are real busy running the household we are not fighting, but I don't think that is much of a solution.

We will see if my suggestions work... It IS Okay for you to let go every now and then, I promise ;)

More about your brain...

Can you say more about what it's like in your brain? At least before the Adderal?  This is now the second time that I've asked myself "Is XYZ my partner masquerading as a straight guy?", but the details just don't match. ;)

I've used the "hold my hand" and "kid gloves" statements for YEARS. Recently, my DP exploded saying "where're MY kid gloves?" It was hard to pack all my stuff away, but with the gift of time and distance, I've realized that *I* have to be able to give myself the kids gloves and then I can do it for him. Learning to be kinder to myself is really helping, but I'm curious what it would look like for the ADHDer. 

So, my question is this, really -- If you KNEW your wife was able to live in your brain and really knew she was aware of the effort you're putting into things, what would that look like to you? What would she say? What would she do? 

 

Interesting question...

Especially the "Before / After Adderall" part of the question.

Before Adderall: "Being in my brain" was not worrying about everything and everyone all the time. Take time for yourself because you need down time, so you are better able to handle things as they come up. I could leave the office after a crappy day and forget about that nonsense and have a nice evening. I would see here stressed out all the time about work or family and tell her about how many of these worries are not things she can even control, so why worry? I had no idea how oblivious I was to so many things for 13 years into the marriage. 

After Adderall: "Being in my brain" was much different. I was much more aware of my surroundings, things to do, peoples body language, facial expressions and I began to get much more anxieties over the List of things to do. I am not NEARLY as laid-back as I used to be. Better memory, more organized, better prioritization, improved communication skills (Far from perfect, still) and not 100 lbs over-weight. I don't obsess over food anymore and I like to get my walks in each day.

This is a common conversation with my DW these days. I tell her she is too self-critical about herself. Her weight, looks in general, how much she gets done, perfect house, perfect mom, perfect employee and does not give herself any credit. If I pay her a compliment she thinks I'm just saying it for later expectations. She needs to be kinder to herself, but she does not want to let her shields down.

My DW has had a hard time adjusting to my weight loss, which has leveled and stayed consistent for almost two years. My being over-weight helped her deal with her self criticisms, now my weight control keeps her worrying about me and my expectations. I would like her to be able to relax because I am there to help her, I do think she is beautiful, a great mom, employee and wife, but her staying with shields on max all the time makes it seem like I have not done nearly enough.

uncanny

Yep, it is uncanny. I am not sure what was going on there. I was smart enough to have my mom bring me home, but she had to leave quickly, and I was so devastated when my DH didn't take up the mantle, and start taking care of me and feeding me soup, when I was recovering from major surgery. Then, I tried to adjust, and realize that I might just need to ask him for something. Getting him to make a can of soup for me was a big deal, but the worst part was his own stomach crisis right there in the floor while I had stitches, internal bleeding, and had to grit my teeth, go to the phone, find a babysitter for the afternoon for the kids, and then make them lunch. And now, my god, every. single. thing. that happens to him is the biggest thing ever--I really think there is some kind of syndrome or mental disorder he has--he makes people look at a bruise or see his cut, and honestly, they are things I wouldn't think twice about. It would be funny if it weren't so heartbreaking. I don't see empathy from him even though I know he can feel it. It just isn't connected to a situation that is going on at the time. I don't think I have ever gotten over the surgery thing. And he has never apologized about the surgery thing, even once, only gotten defensive. I am calmly trying to decide right now why I would want to be with someone who wouldn't take care of me after surgery, when you add it into the other issues we have. I am not mad at him for it any more, which is a relief, but that doesn't mean I think it is ok. 

Hang in there. <<hugs>>

 

This resonates HUGELY with me right now

I have a few sayings that I've picked up along the way that I love. I learned them from my work I do regarding my Codependancy. "You don't go to the hardware store to buy a loaf of bread" and "No matter how many times you bang on the wall, you'll never never turn it into a door". I've been trying to change my DH since the hyperfocus wore off after marriage. I've banged and banged and banged.....and he has NEVER changed. A few things here and there but nothing that one could look at and say "Wow...now that progress". Still addicted to gaming. Still rarely spends time with me. Still very much emotionally disengaged. Chores are the impossible tasks still waiting to get done. Everyone is just a huge effort and struggle..for me, for him. I spend night after night alone listening to him game for hours on end. We may have a total of 5 - 10 min of interaction a day. In the end I've realized that I will never get what I need from him. I have to seek it from other people in other placed and hope that it's enough to keep me in my marriage. There is danger in what I do because there are many people willing to give me exactly what he's not. But, I do my best to not go too far down the rabbit hole. I am most definately putting myself on the front burner. CoDA is really the only thing that has gotten me to this place. Thank god I found that group!

Yes, we are seeing a

Yes, we are seeing a therapist. My daughters and I have for 3 years. Their bio dad was founded of abuse.

When this history thing happened, my mind went nuts. I had sever flashbacks of childhood abuse that had started to come out, but not all the way. It was intense to thepoint of needing 3 hours of emergency counseling for me.

Also, because of this and talking to my mom I found out my dad cheated on her twice.

So, there are other things tied to this. It feels like a bad dream.  I actually developed PTSD when he tells me ANY sexual past stuff now.  That's why the looking is probably more intense for me.

Boy, I sound crazy. 

Not crazy at all...  a normal

Not crazy at all...  a normal reaction to an abnormal situation. That's what I tell myself, anyway. And there's some science to back it up. 

When my guy started to flee (running away from the house/me was really how I experienced it), it brought up HORRIBLE feelings. Horrible. (Did I say horrible?) I found a therapist who practices EMDR and learned that I have a good amount of abandonment issues on my front to work through. In putting the pieces together, my hypervigilance, control needs, and codepenence were all rolled back into some early childhood stuff. 

If you're still working through some of that, check out EMDR. After 4 months, I'm AMAZED at how much better my ol' brain works and how much I'm aware of where my reaction is coming from. Not to mention, the reaction is SO SO SO much less than what it used to be. 

Amen to 12-setps! I couldn't

Amen to 12-setps! I couldn't find a CoDA meeting locally, but did find Al-Anon. Love it. Also loved finding a bit more about the roots of my own "disorder" in terms of codependency and tackling them. :)