I'm not sure that I am asking for help as much as looking for someplace to talk a little. My husband was diagnosed with ADD as a child, but never medicated. I understand that it doesn't go away but often people learn to cope better as they get older. My husband is 46 and we've been married for 20 years. We've had a good marriage for the most part, but the lying issues pop up once a year or so and squash the trust that has been built back up. I should also add that he had been a smoker since he was 13 and just quit 2 years ago. It must have acted like a stimulant to him, because he's been more unfocussed since he quit.
He is a good person, a great dad who is involved and active in our kids lives and is also a caretaker of sorts for me. I am disabled with MS. I don't require any physical care, but am not able to drive or do many of the things that I used to do. I still manage to keep up with as much as possible. I understand that he needs to get away for some time to himself, so I cut him slack when he signs on to manage our oldest's hockey team, joins the hockey executive as well, joins Rotary, a wildlife fundraising group, says yes to MCing for several different charity dinners, a community foundation, and is a liason for a couple of other committees. Oh, and there is the curling and baseball teams that he played on. I get that he needs to feel busy and involved. Even when it turns out to be 5-6 nights a week. I find it difficult to get it, but I do. Twenty years have accustomed me to it.
It's the lying that I don't understand. I know that he does it to avoid any kind of confrontation or negative response, and I know that I miss (and more often, ignore) most of the lies, but why doesn't he see that the problem is so much worse when the lie is discovered? It seems like every time I am feeling good about life and our marriage some lie comes up and ruins it.
This one started with me asking what a withdrawal for a over a couple thousand dollars was for. He said that it was for a surprise that he couldn't tell me about yet. And eventually told me that it was for a trip he was planning for us. That was a couple of months ago. A few days ago he told me that a friend had booked a hunting trip with another friend who couldn't go and had offered him the other spot for free. This is a 4 day hunting trip in another province for a guided hunt, plane tickets and accomodation. I knew right away that the free trip was a lie and it was what the withdrawal was about a couple of months earlier. I told him that I didnt believe that the trip was a free opportunity, but said go ahead. And so he left two days later. He is still away.
With some thought, I realized that not only was there never a holiday for us, but if he had told me earlier, I wouldnt have had to cancel an appointment that I had made two months ago to be evaluated for hand controls for my car. I have to have another driver with me for the 3 hour evaluation and he had agreed to it (after he apparently had booked his trip). I now have to wait another couple of months for another appointment and I have to pay $100 for cancelling only 24 hours ahead of time. I havent been able to drive for two years and had been looking forward to getting some independence back.
I am so disappointed and I've lost more respect for him. We've been through a lot over the years, including an infidelity on his part, but got past it. I know that I will get past this as well, but I am starting to lose respect for myself. Actually, not starting. I'm pretty much there.
I also don't want to shame him and make it worse. I'm not even sure how to deal with it at all when he gets home. I'm not sure that there is any value in telling him that I know the whole story or if I should just let it go. I used to think I had a point that would just be too much, but apparently I don't. I just keep taking it.
During other discussions with him, when previous lies were uncovered, I had asked that we try counseling if it happened again, but that was a few lies ago. I don't think I would convince him to see anyone. But I might consider going to a therapist on my own.
Ask him where the reservations are for the surprise trip for you
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
When he gets home, ask him where the reservations are for the "surprise trip" for you. If he hems and haws, insist that he show you the reservation. If he admits that he lied, explain that you cancelled your hand-controlled appt because of his lie.
Yes, he does need to feel some shame. Liars who are never or rarely confronted just lie more and more. If you don't confront, then he'll just think he can get away with it and do more of it.
He does know that I had to
Submitted by hollygolightly on
He does know that I had to cancel my appt, He is the one that pointed out to me that I would have to cancel it. He was still under the impression that I believed his free trip story when he reminded me.
I'm not sure how much value there is in shaming him. I've confronted him with the lies in the past, He feels awful for a while and is attentive and apologetic and everything goes great until the next time. I don't think I could get him to stop and since I have no intention of leaving, I guess I have to suck it up and put up with it.
So, does that mean that you
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
So, does that mean that you're never going to ask about where that money really went? And, you're never going to ask about the "surprise trip" for you?
I do know where the money
Submitted by hollygolightly on
I do know where the money went, and I do know that there is no trip. And yes, I will probably tell him that I know. But not by asking him about it and inviting more stories or explanations. I will let him know that I know about it.
Good.
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Curious... What would your husband say if you now withdrew a large amount of money and then told him some story?
What would he do if you told him that the money was for a surprise anniversary trip, but then a short-time later you and a friend left for a cruise?
HI Holly...
Submitted by c ur self on
Just a thought...Have you ever asked yourself why he lie's? Lying is not good, and I agree with you has no place in marriage relationship....But, as I read your post, I remembered a time in my marriage where I lied to my wife...And I will tell you a few reason's why...Her desire to control, her reaction to the truth, and just plain avoidance of her unsolicited opinions of what I enjoy doing for pleasure, relaxation and entertainment.
When a Husband feels he is dealing with and hearing disrespectful comments in his own home, he can be tempted to walk way, avoid it or lie....Lying isn't the answer, but, some times it definitely can be a temptation to avoid the disrespect that can follow the truth....
I'm not saying you do this at all, nor do I really see this in your post, just throwing it out there because everything you say about him, sound like he is a good man. And to intentionally lie to you sound like he is feeling pressure to do so....
C
I agree that people lie when they fear the response....
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Spouses will lie when the other spouse is being unreasonable....like expecting an accounting for every penny, particularly when the person isn't horrible with money. I know that when dealing with those who are bad with money, spouses need to have some accountability otherwise money flows out of hands like water.
In my case, I discourage H from using cash. H likes to use cash because then there is no paper trail....and he uses cash to buy booze. I would love to shut down all cash purchases so that he can't lie about booze purchases.
If a spouse is withdrawing large amounts of money for personal use, then lying to cover that up, then that is wrong. It doesn't matter if the spouse is lying to avoid judgment in that case. In that case, the spouse shoulld be "judged" and should be shamed. Would that spouse like it if the other spouse did something similar?
My kids and I often have to "bend the truth" around H because he can't handle the truth. If I run into an old friend at the grocery store....someone that I haven't seen in years, so I chat with them for 15 minutes.....I can't tell my H that because ANY delay that is by choice is unacceptable to him. If I say that the cashier was slow, of the customer ahead of me in line was very slow, then he accepts that.
So, I have to tell him something that isn't true just to prevent him from going wacko jealous.
My husband doesn't get angry
Submitted by hollygolightly on
My husband doesn't get angry or jealous with me, but when he has a blow to his ego or feels like he is losing self esteem, he starts looking for ways to boost it. Sometimes it is just casual flirtations and other times it has been outright seeking (and occasionally finding) a one night stand. I'm certain that it hasn't happened again in the past 5 years, but I am still afraid that it could happen again.
That's why I am not sure if there is any benefit to pointing out that I know the truth.
Its not the first time that money has been taken out of our accounts. He has taken $15, 000 out of our account to put into his business before. At that time he said that we would get it back, but he sold the business and anything that he got out of it went towards the purchase of another business. He is bad with money - really bad. So he has an accountant and bookkeepers at work and me at home. I pay the bills on time and let him know what is in the account, and even try to get him to help me with them each month. It helps a little.
I guess I am saying that I am doing everything I can to stay su[pportive and non judgmental, but it is still not helping. Is there nothing that can be done? Should I just suck it up and take it? Because I don't want to break him or make him feel bad. I just want to stop feeling like crap because my husband lies to me. A lot.
Holly
Submitted by c ur self on
My heart is touched by your honesty and desire to experience a loving faithful marriage....But, the truth for us all is we can only deal with our own hearts. I suggest you don't view yourself as a burden, I'm sure he loves an appreciates you more than you know...
I suggest you recognize your fears and let them go....You seem to be a beautiful person and you don't need to let fear of what your husband might do destroy your peace...God loves you with the full force of his love, he will take the fear, he will also bring conviction on your husband if you pray for him...
My late wife (breast cancer at age 49) was a meek person who had been molested as a 14 year old, I was much like your husband...She was quiet, and suffered with a nerve issue and had emotional difficulty when it came to love making....I was all for it all the time...Married at 20 and in a few years I cheated, then I divorced her because of the guilt....God saved me and we remarried, and I found out I could love my wife and be what God wanted me to be in her life under any circumstance....I couldn't do it on my own....I will pray for you and your husband!
Just continue to be the supportive and loving wife that you are....
C
Thank you for the kind
Submitted by hollygolightly on
Thank you for the kind comment.
In the end, when my husband came home I decided to let it go. He arrived home in the middle of the night (because of plane travel), slipped into bed and barely slept. I knew he was dreading a confrontation, so I didn't start one. He is aware that I know the truth about the trip. When he is ready to bring it up, he will. He generally does. It may have been good that he was away for a few days because I've had that time to come to peace with it. When it comes right down to it, I wouldn't have ever said no to the trip, so I'm still unsure why all of the stories and subterfuge. I will ask if there is something that I do to make him feel that he can't talk to me about.. whatever it is that he is hiding at the time. Will that work? I'm not sure what I can do differently. I said earlier that we dont fight much - I'm not a fan of arguing. And I don't get in the way of his activities.
Not dealing with it until it comes up on its own (and eventually it always does) seems to give me the most peace right now, so I am doing that.
Like I said before, he is a good man. He got up early the next morning and we went to our daughter's ridiing competition and then on to our other daughter's hockey game. He drove all night to get home, then got up early to drive us all around for different sports. He is loving and attentive, holding my hand and helping me walk on the uneven ground at the horse show and again to get up into the stands at the arena. Always. And every day he tells me that he loves me. He even brought me a thoughtful gift - heated insoles and socks for my terminally cold feet (to wear to hockey games). This is what he is like every day.
That's what gets me confused. I know everybody has flaws, but why the dishonesty even when there is no reason for it?
My heart is breaking when I read your posts
Submitted by doublej on
hollygolightly,
You say your husband is a "good man," but with each post you reveal how badly he acts. This is what I have learned:
These are not minor flaws or personality quirks. He has pattern on ongoing, immoral, inconsiderate behavior that you either accommodate or ignore. I don't think your coping techniques are working. His bad behavior continues and nothing is truly in the past.
I think you are really, really hurting and you're trying to downplay that pain. I think it is ok for you to stop making excuses for your husband.
I agree
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
I think because this wife is disabled, that she views the crumbs he gives her over-rides the bad behaviors that he's done.
Holly; It's pretty simple with men....
Submitted by c ur self on
I will ask if there is something that I do to make him feel that he can't talk to me about.. whatever it is that he is hiding at the time. Will that work? If he is lying about the trip; and he was with another women it's guilt that is keeping him awake...You know normal Men's number one characteristic when it comes to women is physical touch. I haven't ask about your sex life, but, when a man and his wife do not or cannot engage in and have a healthy sex life...Then both suffer....It is so easy at that point for the enemy to give you an excuse...It takes great strength to lay next to the women you love and not touch her for what ever reason. There is never an excuse for infidelity; but sadly it happens....
I can't speak for your husband, but, if I was truly on a hunting trip; I wouldn't feel any need to cover it up. And I would be at peace; and the first thing I would want on my return would be you in my arms....I can only speak from my own feelings; and this is no indictment or judgment of him. I do believe at some point you should set him down and see if he is willing to open up...You do deserve honesty from him no matter how hard it might be to hear....
Blessings C
He was truly on a hunting
Submitted by hollygolightly on
He was truly on a hunting trip - that much I do know. I know the man he went with and saw the photos. He was in a very remote part of the country with a group of men. I'm not worried that there was anything other than hunting going on.
Our sex life is pretty great usually (not so much this week). We enjoy each other and we are pretty consistently intimate 2 or 3 times a week. It wasn't something that I'm worried about right now. It hasn't always been great, and that may have been part of the reason behind his behavior in the past. I'm not giving him an excuse for it. But that is in the past now and I hope to keep it there.
Holly...
Submitted by c ur self on
Great!...I think you can work through this; he just needs to understand how damaging lies are to your emotions and trust...I know you will get an opportunity to share that when you think it's the right time...
C
<<< Sometimes it is just
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
<<< Sometimes it is just casual flirtations and other times it has been outright seeking (and occasionally finding) a one night stand. I'm certain that it hasn't happened again in the past 5 years, but I am still afraid that it could happen again.
<<<
Your husband has had one-night stands in retaliation of being confronted and having his ego bruised?
>>> should I suck it up and take it? <<<<
I think that is what you're saying that you have to do. It sounds like you're saying that he can do whatever he wants, and you're powerless to say anything otherwise he'll possibly cheat on you so that he'll "feel better."
Have you ever seen a couples therapist? Sounds like he could benefit from that.
I'm also not a fan of
Submitted by hollygolightly on
I'm also not a fan of confrontation - we don't fight very often, because we are usually able to adjust to each other very well. If something big happens, I found the easiest way to communicate is by email. That way he is not confronted by me directly, I can think through and edit out a lot of the judgmental parts and aim for a neutral but clear email. He then has the time to read and think about a response, It seems to work ok, but at the same time it doesn't stop it from happening again,
I have never said that his problem is ADD or that it is all his fault. In fact, I know living with someone with an illness (in my case, MS) can be stressful and a burden. I am trying to be as helpful as I can, but I must come up short.
I do wonder if some of the deception covers feelings of guilt or discomfort at leaving me alone with the kids for the week, A week and a half ago I had another relapse and couldn't walk without assistance. I normally just need forearm crutches or a walker, but my legs wouldnt work at all and I needed a person to help me walk. I have improved back to normal since, but he could be worried about seeming callous by leaving. I think a lot of what keeps him focused on his kids and his business is his worry about how people perceive him. We live in a rural farming community outside an equally small town. He is well known rurally and in town and is heavily involved in the community.
Normally we are a good fit - he is very social, loves entertaining and talking. I am quiet and laid back and try to keep up.
I am afraid to rock the boat too much. I rely on him for a lot and he generally gives it - he is great with house and farm chores, keeps his own schedules for all the activities he is involved in (not perfectly, but he is an adult and in charge of his life).
hollygolightly,
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
hollygolightly,
Hi,
Check out Melissa's last 2 blogs. She is blogging on just that subject: lying.: ADHD, Lying, and All That Stuff, and 7 Reasons Partners Lie...Lying Part 2.
Good reads!
Liz