I'm not sure that I am asking for help as much as looking for someplace to talk a little. My husband was diagnosed with ADD as a child, but never medicated. I understand that it doesn't go away but often people learn to cope better as they get older. My husband is 46 and we've been married for 20 years. We've had a good marriage for the most part, but the lying issues pop up once a year or so and squash the trust that has been built back up. I should also add that he had been a smoker since he was 13 and just quit 2 years ago. It must have acted like a stimulant to him, because he's been more unfocussed since he quit.
He is a good person, a great dad who is involved and active in our kids lives and is also a caretaker of sorts for me. I am disabled with MS. I don't require any physical care, but am not able to drive or do many of the things that I used to do. I still manage to keep up with as much as possible. I understand that he needs to get away for some time to himself, so I cut him slack when he signs on to manage our oldest's hockey team, joins the hockey executive as well, joins Rotary, a wildlife fundraising group, says yes to MCing for several different charity dinners, a community foundation, and is a liason for a couple of other committees. Oh, and there is the curling and baseball teams that he played on. I get that he needs to feel busy and involved. Even when it turns out to be 5-6 nights a week. I find it difficult to get it, but I do. Twenty years have accustomed me to it.
It's the lying that I don't understand. I know that he does it to avoid any kind of confrontation or negative response, and I know that I miss (and more often, ignore) most of the lies, but why doesn't he see that the problem is so much worse when the lie is discovered? It seems like every time I am feeling good about life and our marriage some lie comes up and ruins it.
This one started with me asking what a withdrawal for a over a couple thousand dollars was for. He said that it was for a surprise that he couldn't tell me about yet. And eventually told me that it was for a trip he was planning for us. That was a couple of months ago. A few days ago he told me that a friend had booked a hunting trip with another friend who couldn't go and had offered him the other spot for free. This is a 4 day hunting trip in another province for a guided hunt, plane tickets and accomodation. I knew right away that the free trip was a lie and it was what the withdrawal was about a couple of months earlier. I told him that I didnt believe that the trip was a free opportunity, but said go ahead. And so he left two days later. He is still away.
With some thought, I realized that not only was there never a holiday for us, but if he had told me earlier, I wouldnt have had to cancel an appointment that I had made two months ago to be evaluated for hand controls for my car. I have to have another driver with me for the 3 hour evaluation and he had agreed to it (after he apparently had booked his trip). I now have to wait another couple of months for another appointment and I have to pay $100 for cancelling only 24 hours ahead of time. I havent been able to drive for two years and had been looking forward to getting some independence back.
I am so disappointed and I've lost more respect for him. We've been through a lot over the years, including an infidelity on his part, but got past it. I know that I will get past this as well, but I am starting to lose respect for myself. Actually, not starting. I'm pretty much there.
I also don't want to shame him and make it worse. I'm not even sure how to deal with it at all when he gets home. I'm not sure that there is any value in telling him that I know the whole story or if I should just let it go. I used to think I had a point that would just be too much, but apparently I don't. I just keep taking it.
During other discussions with him, when previous lies were uncovered, I had asked that we try counseling if it happened again, but that was a few lies ago. I don't think I would convince him to see anyone. But I might consider going to a therapist on my own.