Need help to navigate this one

My mom, hubby, and I were having a convo today...very good day btw.  Everyone in my family gets along awesome with my hubby which can be a tad frustrating when they think reminding him and getting irritated with him and sometimes taking a tone (mind you when I have already asked or reminded nicely several times) is not being 'nice enough' to him.   He has also in the past seemed to get off a bit on the victim mentality, so it is a bit of a button between he and I.  Because I don't feel my family belongs in all my business, I don't generally deal with them on that kinda thing.....I take it up with him.

My husband gets along with everyone, is very hard to make angry, and gets angry at others even less often.  If he has a fault in this area, I would say that it can be fairly easy not too get too emotionally invested in the outcome when he takes care not to invest very much of himself or interest in things.  I am the opposite of course, so we have issues sometimes with me just wanting him to act REALLY INTERESTED in things outside video games and whatever.

On the other hand, my father had a dysfunctional childhood and he and his siblings definitely have criticism, sarcasm, and snideness issues.  They all seemed to think the 50s housewife model should be good for their wives regardless of what other loads they were carrying {to be fair they were raised in the 50s :) } and their mother kinda pushed that idea by taking care of everything homewise as well as lot business wise--the fact that this was mostly because she had a chauvinist for a husband and she had to go out of her way to manipulate him and make him think her ideas were his somehow gets lost in the fantasy land hope that their lives would have all the picture perfect perfection without the simmering resentment that was their relationship.

So anyway when my mother gets frustrated with my father (he is fairly newly retired and his family is visiting this week so BINGO), she tends to get critical of my 'tone' with hubby or to say that my word choice isn't always the best or whatever.  She has a point, and I really think a lot of it comes because my husband doesn't get up in arms over words while my dad is Word Guy (she is not of course) so when he is in a mood she really has to walk on eggshells as far as word choice.  She resents this and it comes  out in resentment for me not watching my word choice so carefully.

More than anything I think she is projecting her frustration and I usually let it husband and I are more than capable of dealing with our issues ourselves....but I just had a whole in-law thing of my own that appears to be never ending, I have PMS, I am exhausted, and I like I said it had been an awesome day with not one snide comment so while she felt like commenting "in general" I was in no mood for it.

I said "Hey Hubby, am I mean to you?"  He was in the car also and more than capable of speaking for himself.  He said no.  She said you put things in a mean way sometimes.  And I said "Sometimes I do but you have no idea of what I deal with either.  I am sick to death of 'poor hubby attitudes'.  He does his fair share of problem causing and irritating.  I don't complain until it is into the 100s so get off my back" 

It was all kinda jokey but sorta serious at this point.  So hubby pipes up from the backseat, "Yeah but sometimes it does feel like it might start at only the 10s".  We all laughed and I can't remember what happened but my mom got on my nerves with some comment, and I said "Stop it. I am not the irritant here........I am the irritateee"  Well hubby protested that good naturedly just as were getting back to our own car, so because it took me aback to hear him say NO I AM THE IRRITATEE, I asked him about it.

There was something in his comment that felt a bit too genuine to me, so I asked him if he thought that he was more irritated by me and the things I do than I am by the things he does.  He made some kind of affirmative comment (he says he was still thinking we were joking) and I sorta snappily said to you, "You mean to tell me that you think I drive you crazier than you drive me!??!"  And he said with surprise, "No I guess we are probably about equal"

Now I have to tell you I was INSULTED!  I mean seriously insulted and I started rattling off big in general things he does that irritate me to no end........(Not my finest hour I admit)........I said things like "So I interrupt you when you are talking?!"  "I don't listen to you when you are speaking so that I never know what you are talking about?!" "and no matter how many times I'm asked to show more of an interest in you and what you are thinking, I can't remember to ask you a meaningful question every day?!"   He answered all these with an quiet NO.

We had to take our car to get looked at so the convo got tabled......he just says just as I am not going to be able to respond because of the mechanic, that of course I do things that drive him crazy, but he doesn't generally point them out.  THIS IS WHERE I GOT GOOD AND MAD!!  I have just been mulling it and mulling it.

I have admitted before to perfectionism and I work really hard to not point out all the small things that get done poorly because it would just be too hard to work on the big things then, and plus some of it is clearly my own issue for caring too much about unimportant matters.  I have had a lot of anger issues over his ADD before it was treated and just after, and I have grown my leaps and bounds by expressing my needs nicely and calling him on it gently when he is losing progress.  Do I succeed all the time? NO Do I succeed way more than I fail?  YES definitely. 

I am trying to focus on all the good in my life and there is A LOT of good.....but at heart I am a tweaker and I tend to try to improve things regardless of the shape they start out in.  I am doing SO much better in not pointing out all of those things.  However, I do feel things passionately and sometimes he seems to feel things not at all, so I just get louder and more emotional about many things than he does.

I still can't believe this man, who no matter how much I ask him for notes and comments and suggestions for improving the way I deal with him, hardly ever gives me ANYTHING and every comment ever made gets IMMEDIATE results and some things have NEVER EVER been brought up or done again in 11 years; thinks I continue to do irritating things as often as he does.  He who can hardly manage a week in a row of not repeating the behaviors he is trying to curb.  I am not angry with him about this, but I am DARN angry that I am getting no credit for just rolling with it and handling his crap while he is apparantly holding things against me that he has NEVER TOLD ME I AM DOING THAT UPSET HIM!!!!

I ask him for suggestions all the time.  HE ASKS NEVER.  And he thinks we are even on irritating each other even though I have no idea what I am even doing and am just trying to work on my stuff as I realize it with no help from him.

I am not even sure how to address it with him.  I just tried to stay quiet and mull out my feelings once the PMS haze wears off.  We have a coaching appointment Monday and if I can shut my  mouth till then I am going to address it with the coach in the room.  I don't want to come off like I think he is the whole problem. It is a combo of ADD and my reaction to ADD that causes most of our problems, but I can tell you for darn sure there have been much more permanent changes on my side of the street than on his.

My reaction to this is also concerning because if you asked me if I think he is the main part of our issues, I would probably say no, but he basically says the substance of 'we are equally to blame' and I want to take off his head.  And I am struggling because I want to resolve this NOW NOW NOW but I know I need to get my thoughts together first and be sure I am not attacking him, and even knowing that the only thing that saved the convo tonight was a well placed TV show after dinner followed by both of us needing to work.

I am sitting here with my hand on the phone though, so please make your suggestions fast!!