I don't know what to do anymore. My husband and I have had multiple issues with his ADD in the past. I have dealt with it, accepted it, been a slave to it, worked with it and around it and accommodated for it and everything in between. I have been above and beyond patient with this. He is RARELY patient and understanding with me and how his behavior affects me. To his credit, we have had occasional breakthroughs here and there where he finally admits to how he can see that his behavior makes me feel unimportant and he does apologize for it, and that's all I really want. However, most of the time if I do express my frustration, he blames it on me- I'm too emotional, I'm too sensitive, I'm too needy. He adopts this defensive, impulsive, angry and verbally aggressive stance which makes it impossible to talk to him, and he immediately becomes the louder and more forceful person... so he wins? (or so he thinks??). I am not nearly as pushy/loud/forceful of a person as he is. He has learned that if he shuts me down hard and fast that it will all go away.
Aside from this ADD demon popping up to cause issues on occasion, we are actually very much happy and in love with each other.
Well, now I'm pregnant and we are both thrilled, but somehow this has actually caused a MAJOR ADD flare up and I am NOT ok with it this time around. This is our first baby, and I'm 18 weeks at this point-- almost halfway through this pregnancy. We have been redoing our entire backyard, which is a project we started before I found out I was pregnant (which was unexpected, by the way!). It has taken so long because we are doing it ourselves. He has completely honed in on this project like you wouldn't believe- to the point of obsession- and is completely neglecting other things, including THIS PREGNANCY. I feel like he isn't nearly as interested in it as my freaking coworkers are! He's not reading up on anything about pregnancy or newborns, not researching anything about classes or equipment we should buy, not expressing much excitement or asking me how I'm feeling, or if I felt the baby move more today, etc. I'm doing all the reading and research, planning classes, etc. I try to talk to him about things that I'm reading and I can't hold his attention (naturally). I tell him a quick thing about the baby like "hey, I'm 18 weeks now so this book says the baby is the size of a bell pepper!" and his answer is usually a flat, distracted one liner- "cool." He doesn't seem to try to touch my belly to see if he can feel movement. If we're laying down in bed to go to sleep and I feel something, I say "hey put your hand here you might feel something!" and he'll like slowly roll over like I'm totally burdening him, place his hand on my belly for a fleeting second and be like "nah, don't feel anything," or he won't touch my belly at all and he'll complain that it's time for bed and he needs to go to sleep, and why don't I let him go to bed?!! What the hell?!!!
This behavior has made me feel like he doesn't care about this pregnancy, or me which I know is not true. When I brought this up to him and how I think he should take a break from the backyard for a bit so we can do something fun one afternoon, he barked at me that it had to get done. It dawned on me that I think he's actually freaking out because of this impending due date and he just wants everything done before the baby... but when I told him I understood his desire to get it all done, but why doesn't he talk about the baby to me, he yells at me! First the problem was that I brought it up at a bad time and he wanted to go to bed. Then the problem was that I was too needy. Then his complaint was that he's just not expressive and doesn't need to tell me when he's excited about things. He basically said that my expectations are ridiculous, of course he's excited and why does he need to talk about it with me.
When someone else asks him how we're doing or if he's excited, he practically glows and talks to them about his thoughts and feelings on things at length! When I talk to him, his brain is on the backyard and I'm on the back burner. I have NOBODY else out here to share this experience with. My whole family is across the country. I have a few close friends out here that I like to talk to about things, but I want to experience this excitement with HIM above everyone else, but he's just not interested! I can't tell if it's the ADD issue- the backyard is literally taking ALL of his focus... or if he's just freaking out, or what? Either way, I am at the end of the rope here. Then I start freaking out and thinking about how ADD will affect his parenting abilities. I slipped on the bottom stair and fell the other day (didn't get hurt but it was loud enough and I kind of yelled out in shock when I hit the floor. My dog immediately bolted across the house and came to my side to see if I was ok. MY HUSBAND DIDN'T EVEN NOTICE. Didn't hear me, didn't notice our dog bolting through the house to get to me. Naturally I got upset because it makes me think about how an infant can get hurt if you take your eyes off of them for half a second, and he can't pay attention without getting distracted!! And he doesn't notice things like his pregnant wife hitting the floor! And I wonder about things like what if the baby gets hurt or cries or tries to get his attention and he doesn't notice, and I'm not around to help?! I don't know what to think anymore and the more I think about this, the more it scares me to leave the baby alone with him. He insists that his ADD won't be a problem, but he has yet to prove to me that he can react quickly to something that SHOULD pull his attention away from a magazine/book/etc.
Does anyone have any advice or thoughts to share on this, I could really use some reassurance. I know plenty of you out there ARE raising children with this issue in your household. Please help :-(