Need help with spouse....

I have a wife that needs help but will not seek it. She is 38 and has a generational history with ADD and ADHD. Mom, Brother,Uncle etc. She is always yelling at me and the kids and cannot complete any task around the house with out it talking hours (sometimes days) and constant reminding by me... which she hates with a passion. I try picking up after her but I feel its not solving the problem but instead making me more resentful for having to pick up after her.

She yells at me and the kids all the time without warning and after needs to lay down to calm herself or tells me she hates me and an hour later tells me she loves me? I have no experience with this and feel that I am making it worse but reminding her to complete task (she hates that) or asking her to seek help because it kiling our relationship.

 

I need some help on what to do. I've asked her to read articles, books anything but she does not read because she can't sit still..

You say that she snaps a lot

You say that she snaps a lot and from what I can tell very randomly? Also that she can't complete anything without you reminding her.

I am a woman with ADD and from the information you have provided I will tell you how it is for me and we'll see if maybe we can figure something out.

For me, being a woman and not being able to be that mom/wife that, even though today's society isn't as old fashioned anymore, I feel I should be is one of the worst self-esteem hits that I have ever suffered from. Imagine always failing at small, normal stuff. Like getting laundry done? You have children, you have yourself, you need clean clothes and they don't clean themselves and it makes perfect sense. You just have to put them in a machine and press a button, it's not like you have to go down by the river and beat the clothes with a rock anymore. But still you can't even do that! That's pathetic. I have never felt as little and useless as every time my husband has come home from work and pointed out how I have failed to push a button that says "start" so that he doesn't have to go naked to work.

What happened to me was that I dealt with the feelings that I got with anger. Either I got angry or I cried. I sure wasn't gonna cry. So I get pissed. When my husband said "haven't you done the laundry yet?" I went "sjkfgsjhdfgjshdgfshdghj!! GROWL!" and I got spit out the most hurtful things like how he doesn't do it either, and all he does is work and bla bla bla. A lot of crap that he didn't deserve. But that was my way of protecting myself. Also as the spouse (like my husband and you) are usually not ADD/ADHD for you this is a little odd. If we had time to sit on our asses all day why didn't we have time to press the button? And why wont we admit that we didn't do anything today? Why do we snap instead when you're just trying to help? It's weird. But with this sometimes you guys don't think about how you say things either. It's so easy that you take on an adult role, become a mom sort of, as we take a weird role of a teenager almost? Moms are precious but in many ways they are condescending. For a grown-up to be spoken to like a child is condescending and just annoying. That kind of creates a circle.

Your wife most likely NEEDS you. She needs your reminders and your support. And you need her to child and do the chores. Life is teamwork. 

I don't know how you feel reading my post. Since you are not your wife it's hard for you to know how she feels but does it feel like it could be that way? Maybe if you can figure out a time that is good, could you maybe ask her if she feels this way?
If your wife has ADD/ADHD then asking her to read articles and books isn't really a good idea. I can't read an article to save my life let alone a book. Best way is for you to read and sum it up for her at a time when she is available (as in not in a defensive mood). The defensive moods will decrease if you just try a different approach and she gets a chance to notice that you are not out to get her.

This post is getting a little long. I have a few tips that I'd gladly share on how you can try to get through to your wife, things that have worked in my marriage. First I just think it's good to learn more about the situation.