I'm new to this site and am looking for some other perspectives I guess. This is going to turn out to be very long so I apologize in advance. I was diagnosed with ADD about 2 years ago. I started taking medication and was going to counseling with a therapist who specializes in the disorder. When I was first diagnosed, my husband was deployed. When he returned home a few months later I became pregnant with our daughter. Because of the pregnancy, I was taken off of my meds and have yet to go back on. I have been nursing my daughter and didn't think I could go back on. Since going off of the meds I have lost all progress I had made. My relationship with my husband is severely damaged because of the issues I face. I have done some research and have an appointment to see the doctor and hopefully get put back on the medication to help get me back on the right track.
Here is what I'm looking to get perspective on: what is due to the ADD and what is due to my own personal issues/shortcomings? Until I can define what is what, I'm not sure I can properly address the issues and get my marriage to a place where we can both be happy and satisfied. My poor husband's heart has been broken so many times by me. I don't mean to hurt him. I do in fact love my husband very much and feel very blessed to be married to him, but I am at the brink of losing him and my daughter if I can't get this under control.
Here is some history: Growing up there, of course, were family issues. My parents divorced when I was 6, mom married an abusive drug addict, dad was rarely around for us. My husband also had a dysfunctional family-his parents were "together" but never had a functional relationship and they finally divorced a few years ago. My husband and I have always struggled with communication. I have a difficult time 1)knowing what I feel/think, 2) feel an overpowering sense of fear (fear of rejection primarily). When my husband tries to discuss an issue with me, regardless of HOW he approaches me, it's rare that I can stay with him. I usually go on the defensive pretty quick and cannot follow what he is really saying. When the conversation is over, if not immediately, within a day or two, it's gone from my mind exactly what we talked about. I remember having the conversation, I remember the tone of the conversation, I just don't remember WHAT the conversation was (or will only remember bits and pieces). I often don't remember to tell my husband things that may have happened in my day, whether it be something mundane or important. In general, I just don't know what to say to him at all. We usually end up just sitting down and watching TV all night. If we do talk, it's usually about our daughter. I have recently become a stay at home mom so I don't really find a lot to talk about with him anyway (though really I had the same trouble when I was working full time). My husband has a very demanding job in the military (he is a deputy commander) but I don't really know how to show that I care about his job when talking with him or seem to have any real understanding of what he goes through. I seem to have a lack of empathy. My thought on this is that I don't often understand how I feel so how can I understand someone else's perspective? Is this common with ADD or another issue?
I struggle with organization and things of that nature as well but am finding ways to cope with that (such as list making). My biggest problem is communication by far. This struggle is evident in all of my relationships, but the one affected the most, of course, is my marriage. I want my husband to know that I love him and care about him, that our marriage is important to me. I have failed up to this point in showing that. I can't fail again. He understands the struggles I have with ADD and is willing to work with me. His anger and frustration stems from the fact he doesn't see me working to get better. I often think that I am making an effort but it's rarely the right kind of effort or amount of effort.
Any other ADDers have the same kind of issues? What have you found that works to help you improve? Non-ADDers. what has your ADD spouse done that had the biggest impact on you, showing you they do in fact care and are honestly trying to improve?
My hubby was also diagnosed later in life... I hope this helps
Submitted by sapphyre on
You said "what is due to the ADD and what is due to my own personal issues/shortcomings?"
In the early stages, it can be very difficult to tell. And a lot of your personal issues/shortcomings are due to your life having been lived through the filter of ADD. The good news is nothing in our brain is completely "fixed", and you can develop new ways of dealing with life.
Once you are treating your ADHD with meds and the help of a good therapist, you can and will make some progress. If you are still seeing the therapist, she may be able to help.
I found this helpful article online at the Attitude mag and it or the comments from readers may help:ADD Drugs: Safe While Pregnant or Nursing? Can your ADD medication harm your developing fetus? Can it pass through breast milk? Critical information for mothers. by Larry Silver, M.D.
Submitted by wagnerism on
My wife has ADHD and one thing I see her do a lot is stall work or decisions by putting some difficult requirement that must be met beforehand. Regardless of intent, it does stall.
Her ADHD got much worse after pregnancy because of hormones, sleeplessness, stress... or something. Regardless of the cause, it definitely got worse.
Does it make it easier to disregard the source of the problems and just get them addressed?
Either cause is outside your own ability to fix and you have the means to get treatment. Assume that both are causing your issues and get coordinated treatment with both a therapist and a doctor that can prescribe drugs. Tell them all about it and let them help you sort it out.
Maybe your husband seeing you take it on will be evidence that you are working hard on making things better. From my personal baggage, I seem to have the "words vs. actions" problem. Making the effort to improve is a solid action that will give your words some weight.
[quote]Her ADHD got much
Submitted by WhystleStop on
You said, "Her ADHD got much worse after pregnancy because of hormones, sleeplessness, stress... or something. Regardless of the cause, it definitely got worse. Does it make it easier to disregard the source of the problems and just get them addressed?
Either cause is outside your own ability to fix and you have the means to get treatment. Assume that both are causing your issues and get coordinated treatment with both a therapist and a doctor that can prescribe drugs. Tell them all about it and let them help you sort it out."
I guess this just went right over my head. You don't want your wife or the doctor to just try stuff willy nilly until they find the source. Why would anyone disregard the source? That's the only way to have it properly addressed in the first place.. That being said, I think getting a professional to find that source is key for proper treatment. I say that because I already take 2 blood pressure medicines, a diuretic, Synthroid and HRT to control panic attacks. I can't 'just take anything,' but I'm fine as long as I know they know which meds can mix. I've been hit twice in my life taking things together that one said was okay, then I had a reaction, and they said, "Oh, maybe you should space those out." Yeah. There's that.