I'm new to this site and am looking for some other perspectives I guess. This is going to turn out to be very long so I apologize in advance. I was diagnosed with ADD about 2 years ago. I started taking medication and was going to counseling with a therapist who specializes in the disorder. When I was first diagnosed, my husband was deployed. When he returned home a few months later I became pregnant with our daughter. Because of the pregnancy, I was taken off of my meds and have yet to go back on. I have been nursing my daughter and didn't think I could go back on. Since going off of the meds I have lost all progress I had made. My relationship with my husband is severely damaged because of the issues I face. I have done some research and have an appointment to see the doctor and hopefully get put back on the medication to help get me back on the right track.
Here is what I'm looking to get perspective on: what is due to the ADD and what is due to my own personal issues/shortcomings? Until I can define what is what, I'm not sure I can properly address the issues and get my marriage to a place where we can both be happy and satisfied. My poor husband's heart has been broken so many times by me. I don't mean to hurt him. I do in fact love my husband very much and feel very blessed to be married to him, but I am at the brink of losing him and my daughter if I can't get this under control.
Here is some history: Growing up there, of course, were family issues. My parents divorced when I was 6, mom married an abusive drug addict, dad was rarely around for us. My husband also had a dysfunctional family-his parents were "together" but never had a functional relationship and they finally divorced a few years ago. My husband and I have always struggled with communication. I have a difficult time 1)knowing what I feel/think, 2) feel an overpowering sense of fear (fear of rejection primarily). When my husband tries to discuss an issue with me, regardless of HOW he approaches me, it's rare that I can stay with him. I usually go on the defensive pretty quick and cannot follow what he is really saying. When the conversation is over, if not immediately, within a day or two, it's gone from my mind exactly what we talked about. I remember having the conversation, I remember the tone of the conversation, I just don't remember WHAT the conversation was (or will only remember bits and pieces). I often don't remember to tell my husband things that may have happened in my day, whether it be something mundane or important. In general, I just don't know what to say to him at all. We usually end up just sitting down and watching TV all night. If we do talk, it's usually about our daughter. I have recently become a stay at home mom so I don't really find a lot to talk about with him anyway (though really I had the same trouble when I was working full time). My husband has a very demanding job in the military (he is a deputy commander) but I don't really know how to show that I care about his job when talking with him or seem to have any real understanding of what he goes through. I seem to have a lack of empathy. My thought on this is that I don't often understand how I feel so how can I understand someone else's perspective? Is this common with ADD or another issue?
I struggle with organization and things of that nature as well but am finding ways to cope with that (such as list making). My biggest problem is communication by far. This struggle is evident in all of my relationships, but the one affected the most, of course, is my marriage. I want my husband to know that I love him and care about him, that our marriage is important to me. I have failed up to this point in showing that. I can't fail again. He understands the struggles I have with ADD and is willing to work with me. His anger and frustration stems from the fact he doesn't see me working to get better. I often think that I am making an effort but it's rarely the right kind of effort or amount of effort.
Any other ADDers have the same kind of issues? What have you found that works to help you improve? Non-ADDers. what has your ADD spouse done that had the biggest impact on you, showing you they do in fact care and are honestly trying to improve?