Hi…non- ADHD spouse here. I’ve posted a few times on this site and have all I can do to not sign in and read her for hours on end. My husband and I have a very pivitol appointment coming up with our ADHD coach. I say “our” because we use her as a marriage counselor. This meeting is sort of a come to Jesus meeting. I need to communicate some boundries, and other areas of opportunity that need to be dealt with. One of the big things that I’m struggling with his the outside of our home and yard. Although he knows the “hording” of stuff outside our home and in our yard bothers me, it’s very, very hard for him to let go of some of these things. He’s made some headway in the past few weeks but it’s not even close to the way that I like my home to look. I have my own issues and although I’m neat freak, an orderly, organized outside is what I function in best. We paid so much money to get this great house and lawn. I was so happy and I could sit on the deck and relax and renew while looking out onto this amazingly beautiful, lush backyard. Now, there is a HUGE burn pile, 4 nonworking rusting lawn tractors, broken down leaf blowers, car engines….etc. I could go on for hours.
So, that said, how do I tell him that I need this put back to the condition we found it. Or at least close to it. He sneaks things in through the back of his car and things come in without my consult. Almost all of this was done without my knowledge. Is it fair for me to say “It causes me so much stress and pain to see our backyard like this. I need for us to work hard at getting it all cleaned up and looking like it used to. Another poster commented on Melissa O’s blog and talked about how she regained her sanity creating her own happiness.
One of her steps was:
2. I looked around my house and made a list of what bothered me most. For me it was the unmowed lawn, peeling house paint, and tools left out (dangerous for my 3 children). I decided we (my kids and I) would be responsible for most of the upkeep of the house together. Now, I like pulling into my driveway after work and seeing pretty flowers, a mowed lawn and neat house. It's - NICE.
My problem here is that he won’t let me touch any of it. I would just hire a dumpster, pull of my sleeves and get to work. Call the salvage yard, have them take all the broken down cars and equipment, re-seed the lawn (a lot has worn away to dirt) but he WONT let me do that. Also, I'm prepared to do all the rest or even have it hired. All the projects like the unfinished flooring and the clogged gutters and the stair molding that keeps falling off or the towel bar that's falling off. I can fix ALL of that. The rest is another story. How on earth do I communicate that I cannot and will not live like this. This is my home too and I need to create a place of peace and happiness for myself. He is not doing that job….it’s my responsibility to create my happiness and I NEED this. How do I say that in ADHD speak. UGH….now I have butterflies in my tummy just thinking of this session and what’s going to come out of it. Also, am I being unreasonable?
Thank you so much everyone.