Anyone up for reading a very long stream of thoughts from a very tired mother who doesn't know how to change?
I have ADD. But, as a mom, I don't have a choice about what I can and can't do during the day. My husband works and I'm the one at home. I have to feed the kids at least three meals a day. I have to remember to make them brush their teeth. I have to remember to put socks on them before they put on their shoes and I have to pay attention that they get the shoes on the correct feet. I have to make sure they grow up in a clean and happy household. I have to make sure they get enough exercise and have good social relationships. I have to make sure that they have the resources to keep up in todays world of technology and information. I have to keep a bedtime schedule for them so they stay healthy and well rested. I have to provide comfort and concern at times when I want to explode.
Guess what, I live with guilt each day because I can't do it all.
I rediscovered I had ADHD when I began to get angry. Angry at my husband, angry at my two year old, angry at my parents, angry at people I didn't know or care about. I say "rediscovered" because I was treated at one time but stopped taking medication after I became pregnant with my first child. I remained off the medication through my second pregnancy also. I kind of put ADHD on the back burner trying to forget about it. After all, most all the input I received from others included "you don't have a poor memory, you just have too much on your mind", "you can't keep up because you have too much to do", "of course you can be angry with your husband, he should help you more."
When I spanked my three year old out of uncontrolled anger and threw things around the room scaring her and making her cry, yelling at my sick dog and breaking things, I knew all of those "well-wishers" were very wrong.
I set out on a journey to heal. Heal myself, then my kids, then my marriage and the rest of my relationships (even with my dogs). I see an ADHD specialist regularly now and I take both adderall and wellbutrin. My OB/GYN has put me on progesterone for a different reason but that has helped me also.
Here's the thing, I still can't do it. I'm not trying to be super mom. I'm trying to put socks on my kids before they leave the house. I'm not trying to cook a three coarse meal, I'm trying to make tacos. I'm not trying to get them enrolled at MIT, I'm trying to teach them how to push buttons on the computer and log onto ABC Mouse.
In my head, I have the whole day planned perfectly. We will get up at a reasonable time (after 7 am). We will eat a healthy breakfast that doesn't include sugar. We will get dressed and get outside while it is still cool enough and we can do some art projects, take care of the flowers (learn about the environment), watch the animals (learn about respecting all life)...then come in for a healthy lunch that doesn't include chicken nuggets, french fries and hamburgers. Next, the children will take a nap while I catch up on the laundry and take the meat out of the freezer to defrost for dinner. When they wake up, we will read a book together. Point out pictures and talk about how they feel. While they take some time to play on their own, I will prepare dinner and clean up the mess in the kitchen. My husband will come home from work and we will all sit down to have a nice family meal. He will play with them while I put the food away. We will all go for a pleasant bike ride and talk with the neighbors. Then bath time, story, and off to bed. Finally time alone with my husband to discuss the day and give each other constructive input. Get to bed at a decent hour and be well rested to manage the next day.
Here is how it really goes........baby wakes up at 5 am and won't go back to sleep with out milk. Older child wakes up at 6:30 and climbs in bed with me (my husband sleeps in a separate room--that's another whole story). Snuggles for about 5 minutes then wants to go down stairs. I bribe her to stay in bed by offering cartoons on the TV and I try to get back to sleep. Just as I fall asleep the baby wakes up and starts to cry. I stumble to her room, (she won't let me change her diaper until she has milk), take her downstairs and make both girls their morning milks. Still in a daze, I watch Clifford, Martha Speaks, Curious George, and then Cat in the Hat. After those two hours (now 9) I remember to let the dog out and offer breakfast...jelly toast, cinnamon bread, pop tarts, fruit loops...whatever, just eat. Oops, still haven't changed the baby's diaper and she is on to something else...this should be fun. The children start to run around and pull toys out and things that aren't toys. Wait, what is that sound...oh no, the dog has been outside for so long and it is so hot out there...poor thing. Next, upstairs to get dressed. I should clean up this laundry in the hall first and throw away the garbage. Boy, I hate my clothes, lets pull some off the shelf to donate. I'll put them in a pile and add some of the kids clothes to them later. I guess I should shower and comb my hair. It would have been really nice to have remembered to bring up my coffee that I never had a chance to drink. Okay girls, your turn...no you have to stop jumping on the bed it is dangerous...yes, stop jumping on the bed...watch your little sister...ohhh you almost stepped on her head, not really but you could have almost stepped on her head...stop jumping please....STOP IT NOW>>EVERYDAY IT IS THE SAME WITH YOU KIDS...Whatever, lets just go downstairs for lunch, I'll bring your clothes down there. How about you guys sit calmly and watch Dinosaur Train while I heat up these nuggets and mac and cheese. I guess the baby will eat after her nap. ...... You get the drift as to how the rest of the day goes. And the days we have appointments...whoa, can't function beyond the appointment.
I find myself writing on a blog at 1:44am because I had to drink coffee at 8:00PM just to get through the night routine.
I've made charts, I've made cute little schedule "stars" that the kids can pick out to determine the day routine, I've written everything down the night before and gotten all the supplies ready while they were sleeping...still no success...still guilt and self criticism. As you can imagine, this has a huge affect on my relationship with my husband.
Let me tell you what I need. I need an organized mother to teach me how to manage my day and still feel that I've done everything to keep the kids happy and healthy. How great would that be for my marriage!!!!
If you have read this far, I appreciate your patience, even if you don't respond!!!! I am open to input from a stay at home dad too...I don't discriminate!