Need some advice....

I need some advice.  I cheated on my ADHD boyfriend as a result we are no longer together.  I am still living with him but in a different bedroom.  I know he doesn't want to give up on us and neither do I.  Everything became to much for me to deal with and instead of continuing to try and talk to him I made the mistake of kissing his best friend.  ( I am now in therapy to work out my own issues) I feel like now we are stuck between loving each other and not wanting to go back to the way things were.  We fought all the time about stupid things. To be honest he was very mean to me and I in turn lost patience and said and did things that I now regret.  After having read a lot of good information on this web site I believe our problems steam from his untreated ADHD.  He, last night, started to admit that yes he does have ADHD but he thinks I am using it as an excuse for my actions.  I am not at all and have tried to explain this to him.  What I need advise on is how to continue the conversation with out hurting him and in such a way that he understands that his ADHD has deeply effected our relationship and with treatment we can be together.  Neither of us want to return to an unhappy relationship and I know that once he accepts help for the ADHD we can have a happy life together.

DF's picture

Ease up a pintch on expectations

Treatment may be very helpful, but acceptance and understanding is where the relationship improves.  A pill can make changes in a person, but if that person thinks that's all they need then they may not succeed.    What happens when the dosage wears off? 

If diagnosis is an affordable option, go with it.  If not, then there's reading material that you both can look into.  It's hard for someone to accept having ADD(HD) if they aren't ready to accept that it may explain some things.  They have to accept it if they are ever going to learn to live successfully with it.

As for not wanting to give up on each other I think that's great.  Have you looked into the "why" part of arguing over stupid things?  The thing about arguing, at least in my case, is that it's because even when your not right about something you are right.  Problem is, when it becomes an issue of being right about something you lose sight about what's more important.  Getting your point across isn't always about winning the argument as much as it is about compromise.  If you're willing to consider the other person, they may be more accepting of your position and if yelling and anger aren't working perhaps you could try switching gears.

I'm only speaking on the vague information you've provided above.  If you both want it to work, someone has to reach across the isle and grab the others hand and smile.  Good luck to you both.


Thanks for reply.  I feel very lost with this whole thing.  His ADHD is very well document from childhood which he thinks he has under control.  I spoke with him last night telling him that when he's ready to start dealing with this I was here for him.  I very strongly agree with you that education on this subject is key for the both of us.  In my research I've come to realize a lot about myself and the way I had been treating him.  I never realized how much the ADHD effects his everyday life. His biggest complaint about me is that my actions and words make him feel stupid, which is never my intention but I am now understanding WHY he feels this way. He is under the impression that ADHD means he's stupid (I believe his experience in school has a lot to do with this), I've told him that it just means he sees things a bit different from the rest of us but not in a bad way.  I can't believe that the school system and his family failed him so badly.  I guess the resources to understand ADHD where not as available as they are now. 

He is an amazing person full of love, compassion for others and motivation, these are the things that I love about him.  I did give him the first 2 chapters from Melissa's book and he says he will read them but this was after a huge argument where he told me that I am trying to blame him for all our problems.  This is not the case at all, I've admitted my faults over and over again to him.  So for now I plan to back off a bit and work on me.  I think he's willing to try to at least understand what ADHD means for him and for me.  We do have an appointment with a couples counceler in a few weeks, I hope this helps too!

Make doubly sure it is with

Make doubly sure it is with an ADHD counselor. I can not stress this enough! We wasted 2 years with regular counselor and one who thought he was a ADHD specialist. It is not the same - at all. Good luck.