tonite my ADD husband came home and I CALMLY told him that I should take over the finances and he should get an allowance each week. He told me "I don't know if you are responsible enough to handle the finances". I assured him that I was and asked him what amount would he find reasonable (I really tried to keep it together). He told me $XX amount a week which is already what he is OVER spending. I told him that was too much and he got mad and said "why didn't you just pick an amount for me!?". I told him that I honestly thought he would NOT pick the current amount he is spending as an acceptable allowance!
I said to him (again, very businesslike) "you need to take more responsibility around the house, having ADHD does not give you a free pass to do nothing". He basically blamed me for the financial situation, told me I have poor communication skills, that I was NOT supportive of him or anything he ever did for our entire marriage. He told me it's my fault we are in this mess (emotionally and financially) because I decided I wanted to stay at home more "with the kids" (yeah, that's why I went to med school and am $200,000 in student loan debt which I pay myself!!). I did NOT say that, just thought it.
I tried to re-direct and ask him again "what tasks do you feel you could complete and what reminder system do you want me to use (post its, text etc). He yelled "why don't you just pick the jobs you want me to do, it's obvious you're going to dictate all of this!!!". I remained calm, which was hard to do and told him "it's his responsibility to pick the jobs that he feels he can do". We finally agreed (sort of ) to him taking the trash out, sweeping the basement and one other thing (I forgot).
he then got back on the financial: you're nothing but an unsupportive wife etc etc. I started to lose it and then he said to me "what, do you want to sit there and cry about it".
I think this isn't working. I REALLY did stay calm, unlike my screaming torrents in the past and I DID ADMIT to him that my responses over the years were WRONG. I told him I thought he was a lazy good for nothing piece of ### and NOW I know it's the disease I'm responding to and not the human.
I just want to clarify, I wasn't yelling at him that he was a lazy good f.n, I was explaining my past repsonses to his behavior and that's how I felt about him, thus causing me to respond poorly.
still didn't go well. this sucks.
guess I 'm just looking for the cyber "hug". thanks