Need to vent

I'm sorry. I just .... need to scream. I really need to scream. But it hurts my throat so I can't scream. 

I am reading the book ADHD effect on marriage. I will have my ADHD husband read it as well. But in the meantime, and even though we are deep into discussion about his ADHD, and ostensibly working on it together, it is in FULL FORCE.

Short version is that he procrastinated on something important that I spent WEEKS trying my best to get him to do. In the meantime we had an event to do together and I spent WEEKS talking with him about what I would need from him the day before the event. To help me. To show up, ready to help me. He promised to do so. 

Cut to today, the day before the event. He now has to do his other work that he procrastinated on. He can't be fully available as he promised, and even better, he is doing EXACTLY WHAT I BEGGED HIM NOT TO DO. Which is act put upon by my needs, act like he doesn't think there's much to be done, demand that I tell him exactly what needs to be done even though it is a dynamic situation that requires simply being available, paying attention, and doing what comes up through the day.

People, I TRIED. I prepared for this for weeks, and still I could not get him to do the basic things needed. And he acts put upon, even though he agreed to be available today. When I tell him he should not have procrastined, he would then be available today, he tells me I'm "chiding" him and he gets angry and defensive. 

I know. I know. It's all the fucking ADHD. I hate this damn thing. It just makes life so stupidly and unnecessarily stressful. The resentment that builds up is so toxic. The exhaustion of the same damn thing over and over again, no end in sight, and relentless lack of comprehension on my spouses part that is so baffling and infuriating. 

And worse, our lives and work are all tied up together. We work together. I have to rely on him. And I can only be certain, right now, of one thing. He will somehow ensure that every single time I need him for something like this, he will not show up. It's like he pathologically sabotages everything. 

How am I going to survive with him? How can I ever be calm and happy? I work with other people and it's no problem. NO PROBLEM. Everything is fine. Smooth. But with him? Always chaos and stress as he takes on too much, procrastinates, ignores things that need doing and does what he wants instead, and then blames me when I finally get frustrated or angry. And when he talks about the past it is always revisionist history. He remembers it as he wants to. 

I just needed to vent. This is hard and sad. 

Over and out.