My husband is diagnosed but untreated. I just feel like I'm lost. I'm out of energy and burned out and don't know what to do to get over the anger, disappointment, and resentment.
This morning is a typical example. He was supposed to be up to deal with a contractor about a problem with our home. He knows WAY more about this than I do. He was well aware of the appointment time and even said several times yesterday evening that he had to be up to handle it. Well, he stayed up until 6am this morning watching a new series on Netflix. Now, he's tired and "needs his rest", so guess who has to deal with the contractor. I can't even make the final decision because it's his credit card. So... waste of time, and now the man has to come out again another day. I know this is how it goes, usually, so I was up, showered and ready early. I'm working on the housework and laundry. We go over the next day's list every night, but I can't count on him to follow through.
I think that is the worst thing. I can't count on him for anything. I do the majority of the housework, and 99% of the mental work of running a home. He doesn't work. Right now, he spends more time in bed than he does out of it. On a good day, he might be out of bed 12 hours. He doesn't sleep all that time. He plays on his phone and watches TV a LOT. I feel like the only adult in the relationship. I've kind of forced cooking dinner on him, but I still have to do all the planning, shopping, tell him what to make, and, of course, remind him it's time to start cooking. As of last Saturday, the lease is up on our car, but he hasn't dealt with that either. It's in his name, so I can't.
He claims he does so much, that he doesn't have time to do things. It makes me want to scream. Most days, he does nothing more than get a shower, eat a meal, maybe cook dinner, and possibly make the bed. I'm not kidding! It is that bad. And when I ask him what all he did, there is silence or anger, lashing out that he "gets things done" but can't tell me what things they were.
I'm learning that is likely isn't going to get better. At 57, this is who he is and how he is going to be for the rest of his life. It feels like I'm grieving, like I've lost the relationship I thought we were going to have, that he said he wanted. I'm lonely. I feel alone even though he is in the next room.
Can someone tell me examples of how to live my life without expecting anything of him? That doesn't compute in my head.
Been exactly there
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
This was so close to my life it's like I was reading one of my old posts on here! I separated from my ADHD husband (also unemployed in his 50s) two years ago.
As for living without expecting anything, I tried that in the final years. It worked to some degree. I made most decisions as though I were single (because essentially, I was). That helped me not take too much on. I did all my laundry and our daughter's but refused to touch his (after 15+ years of thanklessly doing it). I only enrolled our daughter in things I knew I could manage the driving duties for myself since he couldn't be relied upon. I stopped expecting or asking him to clean up after himself and started throwing his messes in "his" room without worrying if he'd be upset. I started buying Christmas and birthday presents for myself because I knew he wouldn't. I expected (and received) no intimacy. I expected nothing. It *did* work somewhat because there was less disappointment and my life became marginally more manageable. I stopped hoping he'd come through because it didn't matter anymore - I had zero expectations that he would. However, I was still living with a messy roommate who had no care about the impact of his (in)actions on me - and that was still a pretty hard pill to swallow for the rest of my life. Living with no expectations got me through the day better, but I still resented him for being an absolutely terrible partner and father. He loved it though - the less I expected of him, the happier he was.
Ultimately, I ended it. I realized by having no expectations that I could actually do everything alone quite successfully. And by leaving, there is now still a chance for me to find a real interdependent relationship one day (if I ever decide to put myself out there). By staying, that would never happen.
Having said this, there are people on here who have learned to live with an ADHD spouse more effectively with minimal expectations and hopefully you can get some tips from them too! I'm so sorry for what you're going through. I've been exactly there, and it's awful. Hugs for all the hurt and helplessness you're feeling. ♥️
So true!
Submitted by sickandtired on
So true Melody! You will never have the opportunity to find an equal partner if you stay. It seems like the less you expect, the less they do, and so you have to lower your expectations yet again! I think not expecting them to do even basic adulting is a way of enabling. I tried this, and I found myself even more frustrated than before! I was not married to him so it was easier to get out. We had no kids and I was not financially dependent on him either, and I'm SO thankful for that. It was still rough getting him out of my life, but it was so worth it!
Thank you
Submitted by K. on
"no care about the impact of his (in)actions on me".... wow... that really resonates with me. One of the things I have the most trouble with is how content he is to "exist" without any plans, dreams, desires. Every once in a while, he will tell me he has had a deja vu moment when he realizes he's right on track where he is supposed to be in life. So laying in bed day after day and playing on the phone and watching TV is where he's supposed to be in life?? If something happens to his father, the money stops. He hasn't held a real job since he was 17. He's "worked" for his dad until about 7 years ago, but he never went in on time or he would not do what was asked of him until his dad got someone else to do it. He's pushed me to get a job for years now, but I've refused because I do most everything here and I would only end up resenting him massively because he won't get up. I have asked him to let me try to start a couple of things online, but there's "no extra money" for that. I just asked him the other day if he would take out a student loan for me to go to massage school. It's something I've wanted to do for years and years. He said he would take out the loan, but not for that. That it would be too hard on my hands. One way or another, I know I have to get trained for a career because I can't keep going like this. My doctor has told me the stress has caused the health issues I'm having.
First off, I would love to just hug you...LOL.....
Submitted by c ur self on
I've been down that road....Bless you!....Don't let me hurt your feelings...But, You have no boundaries....You're there to be abused....You're Mothering him...The only way you're going to get past your anger and bitterness, is to stand up for yourself...Not in words and arguments...But, in actions....Place boundaries on yourself....He's up late with an appointment and you know he isn't trust worthy....So you mother him...If you would have got your key's and went shopping, or met a friend for breakfast etc...Then your not part of his issues...Your trying to live with someone you love, that you can't trust...So you must not live like you can trust him....I did it for years...I love my wife with my whole heart, but, I don't trust her in many area's of life, no farther than I can throw her...So I don't!...
Stop running interference for his irresponsibilities, stop telling yourself it's your job...Step away and live....Let him grow up, show up, or not....It's not you!
Thank you for the example... would really like more like that
Submitted by K. on
Thank you for the example of getting my keys and going shopping or something. That is exactly the kind of examples I've been looking for. Maybe it's ridiculous, but I honestly don't understand what real life boundaries look like. I guess I'm missing the action steps, if that makes any sense. Could you please give me a few more? Like, what would be the action to take if he is supposed to cook dinner, but procrastinates until it's too late for me to eat? If I started cooking, he would come watch, and if I went and got take out, he'd complain we shouldn't spend the money and should eat at home. Or, what if I need him to go with me to a medical appointment because I won't be allowed to drive home? Friends usually can't because of their work, and he will either say he's too tired and not get up and go at all so I have to cancel or will get bored waiting and go off somewhere and not answer his phone when they call that I need to be picked up. It's humiliating! What about when I do decide to go do something myself, say go to the beach even though he didn't get up and get ready... he gets angry and says I don't appreciate him. What would be a good response?
Examples
Submitted by swampyankee on
To me it sounds as though you are still trying to rely on him even though you know you can't. Boundaries are sometimes hard to implement because we can see the impact it is having on the other person. And especially when the other person doesn't understand why you are "suddenly" imposing these rules, conflict can still occur. The difference is that you are now taking control of the things you can control.
Dinner: Give him a deadline: "Dinner will be on the table at 6pm or I fend for myself and we won't be eating together." If he complains remind him that those were the rules. That's your boundary. You don't have to make it about him, either. You can say that you have to eat by a certain time or you get tired/cranky/light-headed/whatever.
Medical appointments: Act as though you are single. How would you get home then? Taxi? Uber?
Doing things by yourself: Again, a deadline. "I'm leaving for the beach in half an hour. If you are ready by then you can come with me. If not, I'll see you in the afternoon and I hope you have a good day!"
Again, he'll complain about these rules and he may belittle them or try to get you to drop them. Don't. You'll feel better about yourself and your life in the long run. You have to remember that the only responses you can control are your own. How he chooses to respond to things is his own look out.
Also just want to say that you might start and stop these boundaries because actually setting up boundaries with a dysfunctional partner is pretty hard. I've done the same thing. So don't beat yourself up if you, for instance, break down and DON'T go to the beach like you said you would. Just try again next time. Because the beach is pretty cool and you deserve it.
Can you be comfortable with him being uncomfortable?
Submitted by 1Melody1 on
Right now, you are doing all the bending while he lives life responsibility-free. I was there too. Have some dinners that are just for you and eat on time. Or get the takeout without the guilt. He WILL complain, but he'll also learn that you're not going to push him multiple times and wait hours for dinner anymore. He'll either start letting you handle your own dinners on your own or he'll see you're serious and start getting better at preparing them. Take a cab home from the doctor and when he complains, remind him of the pattern of not picking you up and refuse to engage. It's not fair to leave you stranded and you have to look out for yourself. Period.
You can let him know you're going to the beach the next day. If you want to be alone, say so. " Honey, I need some downtime and will be out at the beach a couple hours tomorrow. Home by 1." Or if you want to invite him, tell him you're leaving at X:00. If he's not ready, go. That one's tough, but I did it. Not ready on time? (10 mins grace) I'm leaving and you can find your own way there. Yes even to family events. Let him explain he wasn't ready when/if he shows up. YOU shouldn't feel bad - he should. Own that it's important to you to be on time. Period.
If I'm reading it right, I think the common thread is that he gives you backlash for standing up for yourself or asking anything of him. To avoid discomfort, you bend to his wishes. The result? He is always happy and carefree and you NEVER are. He (not you) needs to start feeling the consequences of his inactions, whether that's paying for cabs, walking in late on his own, watching you buy takeout for yourself only, etc.
A couple warnings. No longer allowing yourself to be trampled by him will result in a lot of complaining. He will try hard to get you to be his compliant wife again. To have boundaries, you need to get comfortable with him being uncomfortable. Also, once you stick to your boundaries and he sees that you're not budging, things could get better or worse. He could want to save the cab money and start picking you up, start making dinner on time and be ready at the door on time to go out because you have proven you will leave without him. OR he could be relieved he doesn't have to pick you up, can eat chips for dinner because you're taking care of yourself and stop going places with you.
My ex-husband did the latter, which is why I warn you. He wanted to live responsibility free more than try to be a better husband. But at least boundaries showed me how little effort he was willing to put in - how unwilling he was to even meet a ridiculously low bar for partnership. Boundaries also made me stronger for my future without him.
I would too say yes, find a way to get further education or a job too. That alone will give you a ton of confidence and open you up to not relying on him and therefore feeling like he's entitled to run the relationship.♥️
Take Care Of You
Submitted by kosty on
In reading your post I see myself, like my husband is supposed to feed the dogs on Wed & Friday, because he works from home. He waits until I get home from work to start feeding them, so then I would jump in and help him, which is the wrong thing to do, so my therapist and I came up with a plan, if he is feeding when I get home I go into the bed room change into my pajamas for the evening, write in my journal, ect until he is done, then I come out, he used to say your not helping, I would just answer no and go into the bedroom. Now he doesn't even ask if I'm going to help. Therapy has helped me a lot as I have someone to talk to about my frustrations with his ADHD. I just keep in my mind that I'm on my own journey, that I accept he has a mental issue and that I'm meant to live in peace, and that I need to just do my own thing if I can't count on him, and if he doesn't like it I just say sorry, or whatever, I have been told to just keep the response short, that way no arguments can take place. You mentioned about going to the beach, if he can't get up and get ready, and that is what you want to do then just do it, if he gets angry and says you don't appreciate him, I just just say I do appreciate you, but I'm not putting my life on hold for you, and walk away. I've learned when I can start to feel myself getting frustrated or angry, I walk away and go outside or go into another room until I can remind myself I'm meant to live in peace. Well I hope some of this helps you.