Need ways to control nons frustration

Ok so I am the non, my husband is the adhder. We have had are ups and downs in our marriage just like most adhd relationships. I love my adhder very much! He has many good qualities as a person, husband, and father. I have been trying to learn about adhd because I want to keep my marriage, I know the way I deal with his adhd affects our relationship as much as the adhd. I am trying to look past all of your old crap and start looking and treating our marriage in a new way. I have always know he had adhd however I never took the time to learn about it until recently. Now I am realizing most of our problems are very common in adhd marriages. My adhder has abused his meds in the past so now he is not taking them and does not want to try them again (maybe a good thing?). Anyway, we nearly spilt up recently that is what prompted me to learn more about adhd. Once we made up and got back on track our relationship got back into the hyper-focuse stage (I love that stage!). Things were good, I learned that the small annoyances (leaving cabinets doors open, water running, frige door open...stuff like that) was not intentional and not anything I should be making an issue about. Will here is the kicker, a few months ago my hubby did not slow down at all for a dip in the road and he put a big hole in my radiator (pt cruiser) this left me with 3 kids, class to go to, and no ride for 6 weeks (lack of $ to fix). Finally my adhder fixed my car. A few weeks later he took my car to save gas (he has big truck), and once again he didn't slow down for a dip and put a hole in my radiator. He put in a new radiator (only took two weeks) but my car still will not start. Turns out he didn't know (lack of attention) the car was overheating while he was driving on the highway and my engine is blown. I still owe 5K on this car, I have no way of paying to fix it until tax return leaving me with no ride all winter (He has a truck but must use it for work) Needless to say I got really pissed off at him, now the hyper-focuse stage is over. = ( I can look past the small things but this is big, he doesn't seem sorry and doesn't seem to understand what he has done. I know I didn't handle it in the best way (yelling, but NO name calling) I tried to apologize to him but he will not accept it. He feels that I had no reason to be that mad. My adhder holds all of his emotions in until its a big blow out, I however am a very expressive person (good or bad), I don't hold it it. I don't belive that I should walk on egg shells and pretend the big things are not big. I know my reactions affect the situation, I am working on reacting in better ways. Any Ideas on how to deal with the big things in life without tearing down the progress we have made?

You cannot change it, but now

You cannot change it, but now you have no choice but to deal with it. I cannot tell you how to get the car fixed, come up with the $$, etc, but I can tell you that the best way to avoid this in the future is to simply let him drive his car, you drive yours. This is an easy fix...and he should be willing to understand that it would avoid this issue in the long run.

Please don't think I'm pryng

My husband had a somewhat similar accident, and yes, it turned out badly for us. But if I may butt in....

My husband had a Mazda that we loved. He had an accident that made a hole in the radiator (but in his case, it wasn't negligence but a piece of metal that fell off a truck and came flying towards the car). Like your husband, he didn't know it was overheating until it conked out. THERE WAS NO TEMPERATURE GAUGE ON THE CAR so he didn't know. The mechanic said we could make a claim against our collision insurance since the blown engine was caused by the contact with the stray piece of metal. Do you have full coverage on your PT Cruiser? Have you talked to you insurance claim department? We didn't have collision so we never got the car fixed, but maybe you can get some help there.

Can you maybe get a cheap "beater" car to get you through the winter until you get your taxes? Your husband should be willing to work some overtime to pay for that (or get a second job). You should not have to face the consequences of his mistake. I'm guessing he feels like since he didn't mean to wreck your car, he's not responsible for the consequences. Unfortunately, been there, done that.

I think I was focused on the

I think I was focused on the fact that he drives a "big truck" and thinking it was best he stick to a big truck that can tolerate his rough driving a lot better than your car, obviously. I know that when these things happen it affects the entire family...going from 2 vehicles to 1. I didn't mean to sound like I felt that these things shouldn't bother you, and maybe my 'easy fix' comment sounds a bit aloof. I didn't mean for it to. He just needs to stick to his big tough truck and leave your vehicle alone...and if he tears yours up, he needs to figure out a way to get it fixed and not leave the responsibility on you.

Thank's for the Reply's

I did contact the insurance company because I do have full coverage on the car but unfortunately they will not cover the repairs. My husband is working on finding me a $500 "beater" for me to drive until we get our tax return. I think deep down (I hope) he realizes how big a F*** up he made this time and is sorry. He keeps telling me not to focus on what he did, we need to focus on how to make it better. This is true, however I think it is also his way of making me look bad for "focusing" on his mistake. All well I guess, nothing I can do about it now, as mad as this makes me I'm not going to do anything drastic like move out or something. I took his copy of my car key away from him (LOL, he cant drive it anyway) he agreed after its fixed to never drive it again, he can have the beater car to save gas when I'm done with it. I know having an adhd husband, my life is going to be full of frustrations (big and small). I need to learn new ways to deal with them effectively and resolve the problem at the same time (like dealing with a child) I am guilty of blowing up on him maybe a little bit more than I should sometimes. I am letting go of the small annoyances that are common with adhd and revamping the way I deal with him. Things like making him lists, calendars, not sending him to the store anymore alone, not giving him access to the bank account, dealing with the bills myself. It's kind of like dealing with him like a child in some ways, I don't mean that bad just that I wouldn't send a child to the store alone or expect a child to balance the checkbook. This is going to cause some extra stress in life maybe more than if I were married to a non but I love my adhder and we have children so at this point I'm going to suck it up and deal with it one day at a time. He is a very loving and affectionate husband, a good provider, and a loving father he just has adhd holding him down. I am afraid that I am going to find my self down the road wishing I wouldn't have waisted my time or made the effort (and stress) on him. He has cheated in the past online and via his phone, I think I belive him that he is done with all that but you know deep down I still wonder (I keep a close eye on him). He is not using the computer anymore, he dose not have Internet on his phone anymore and his text messages are limited now, he voluntarily gave it up. It's been a year since the last time he was bad so far I think all is good. If that behavior ever happens again I'm done for good, I'm not going to allow myself or my children to go through that anymore (I promised myself!!!). I am in college again working on my Bachelors just in case I need to back myself up some day. My husband has sensitive feelings and holds them in, my reactions definitely impact our relationship just as much as his adhd. That is why I am looking for ideas on how to stay calm when I find myself overly frustrated with things pertaining to his adhd. (the gray hair is already setting in at 31!) We also have a diagnosed adhd child (7yr boy) they feed off each other, both are non medicated.

Isn't it true that you must

Isn't it true that you must "focus" on the mistake in order to make it better? You are right - he is trying to project the blame for what he did to your car onto you because you are not not reacting to his recklessness "properly." Hogwash! I'm glad you can see through this manipulation.