The hardest thing now, with my adhd husband, is never being able to talk about myself in any way, shape or form. I can't tell him how I feel about something, (ANYTHING), or any opinions, or even maybe something silly. I have to keep EVERYTHING to myself and only talk about him and what HE wants to talk about. When I DO get to jump in a conversation, he listens for about 30 seconds before turning the conversation back to himself.
He gets terribly IMPATIENT when I need to explain something to him (that's important) and it's taking longer than a few seconds......he gets irritated and says, "Come on, wrap it up, GET TO THE POINT". There ARE occasions where it's impossible to explain something in 6 and a half seconds, but he HATES having to HAVE to listen to what I have to/ or need to say.
I don't feel connected to him anymore, or important to him anymore. And, it's humiliating to always have him shut me down time after time. If I tell him something I saw on the news or read in an article, he says, "Well, I'd have to prove that with an authority, before I believe that". It's terribly embarrassing when it's done in front of other people as well. I've told him, "I believe YOU, when you tell me things, so why do you have to PROVE that what I'm saying is the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth." I DON'T LIE TO HIM, EVER, but it feels like he thinks I'm always lying to him. I DON'T GET THIS.
There are times when I think, if he has another affair, I"m going to let the other woman have him, because it's SO HARD...and it's BEEN so hard that I'm EXHAUSTED. I have my OWN health issues now, and CAN'T KEEP UP with him anymore, and I don't WANT to. Is that a horrible thing to say? I have to say it to you guys, because I can't say it to him.
Yep. You're exhausted. It's
Submitted by HurtButHopeful on
Yep. You're exhausted. It's SO HARD...don't even want to keep up anymore...
Not a horrible thing to say. Lots of us here have been there. I wound up being forced out of my relationship by him...he completely walked away from our relationship after a bad fight...but I had been getting so fed up, like you said...I had been feeling like the whole relationship weight was on my shoulders...was wondering how long I could do it..and I'd TRY to talk to him about those feelings...that I was scared and didn't WANT to break up, but I was feeling all these things. He'd listen for a few seconds and then go automatically on defense mode and turn anything I was saying into an act of "blaming" him for everything...in other words...tunring it all back on him and ignoring my feelings and their validity.
In fact...the night of the big fight that led to me driving home (5+hours in the middle of the night) and him never speaking to me again...here's the situation that led to his last blow-up at me:
I told him my next visit (we were long distance) wouldn't be until after Xmas (this was during T-giving weekend). His daughter's b-day is during that time, so I asked him if, as it got closer, it would be ok if I contacted his ex-wife to find out when her b-day party was being planned so that I could adjust my schedule to try to be there for that. (I was asking to directly contact the ex myself, which I had done on other occasions for logistical reasons, because I knew from experience that I would have to repeatedly ask him to find out dates for me again and again because he would forget or think he told me, etc...so I was trying to go straight to the source myself...but I sensed this kinda bugged him, so that's why I asked him if he was ok with me contacting her myself). Well, I thought it was a pretty innocent request...I wasn't trying to make him feel incompetent...but he took it that way and I think felt like he was not included if I went around him on something regarding his daughter...so he started to get upset when I asked...which caused me to make a face, I guess...I was confused as to why this was a big deal and I guess my facial expression showed it, because next thin I knew he was ranting about how he is to blame for everything and he's sick of it and how I'd been on his case since I got there...and then e big fight erupted and that was it for our 3.5 year relationship. No "it's over, "I'm done", nothing...
I DO wonder what would have happened if I didn't ask him about his daughter's b-day party. But I know deep down, like you do, that something else would have caused the end of the line...it was just a matter of time. That was 3 months ago. My life has changed a LOT since then (I lost him, his daughters, and my furry dog son all at the same time). I was so upset about it ending, especially like that...but I also felt some RELIEF...I could breathe a bit again. I do still miss him....a lot sometimes...I am sad, and hurting, and angry, but not as much anymore...I do wonder "what if" a lot, but I can't go back in time and I know I couldn't help someone who didn't want to be helped.
I am sorry you are struggling so much and walking so much on eggshells. Does your husband accuse you of making HIM walk on eggshells? MY BF used to say that to me...we would both be feeling like we were all the time. Ugh!!!
walking on eggshells....yep
Submitted by dedelight4 on
YES.....I always feel like I am walking on eggshells, but last night he said that same thing to me. I was dumbfounded. I KNOW he doesn't see the eggshell thing the same way I do. IT'S FRUSTRATING AS HELL.
We DID talk last night, because I couldn't take one more remark that seemed like a smart a$$ remark. He finally LET me talk about the adhd, and for the very FIRST time, there was a small connection. He said he was SCARED he's going insane because that's what happened to his mother. (alzthiemer's) But, his mother ALSO had bipolar or ADHD, because she was VERY disconnected with people, including her children.
We were trying to communicate, but I was amazed at the things he just DIDN'T SEE or COMPREHEND, because he is always bragging about how he is so intelligent and KNOWS more than most people, and the rest of us are just "ignorant'. But, he let his guard down JUST ENOUGH, and I praised him for that. Also told him we HAVE to do this, because if we DON'T communicate, I am going to leave, because I can't take it anymore.
I think (this is just my
Submitted by HurtButHopeful on
I think (this is just my OPINION) that a lot of people with ADHD know deep down things aren't right or ok even if they can't admit it out loud or do anything about it. And his bragging is likely just a coping mechanism of bravado to cover up his insecurity and fear of failure/fear of people looking down on him.
I wish you two the best of luck. And good for you for setting boundaries and looking out for yourself. I sure hope he continues to let his guard down and embraces his feelings of being scared and doesn't just clam up and shut down like my BF did.
Good luck!!!!!!!
"scared he's going insane"
Submitted by sunlight on
Is this fear and anxiety behind his picky eating? He knows he can't control his brain so he's going to damn well control something and he can control what he puts in his mouth? (And of course by refusing to interact with you he can control you too and you bring huge anxiety to everything (his view)).
fears
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Great comments. Thank you for the insight. I like what you've said about the fears and such. TOTALLY believe that fear is the motivating factor behind a lot of what he does/doesn't do. His mother was consumed by fear, and passed that on to her children. But, ADHD by itself, creates quite a bit of fear on it's own, which may be a driving factor for him.
This morning he turned off the television while getting ready for work, and told me he had to give me his undivided attention. THAT JUST DOESN'T HAPPEN. I was really surprised but one more time we actually had a back and forth talk, even for a short time.
I don't want to be pessimistic, but I know these times can be seductive and what keeps the hope alive that there is change coming.
eggshells
Submitted by crossingfingers... on
I thought I was going crazy when my bf told me the same thing about feeling like I make him walk on eggshells! I feel like I have to walk on eggshells because he is so unreceptive to anything I say about my feelings. He thinks I tell him everything that I think and feel, which shocks me. It just makes me realize how rarely he talks about his own feelings. I have tried to rephrase my feelings so many times that I have realized it's not me, it's that he will still hear what he already hears in his head: he isn't good enough. Even though that's not how I feel and not what I say--it's how he feels. The irony is, the ways in which I try to rephrase my feelings are never good enough. He picks apart every sentence and tries to accuse me of saying things that I'm not. I can't imagine him telling me how he feels about something I did and then getting mad at him because I feel inadequate. I cannot even empathize with that. He also doesn't take me at my word...if I say "I didn't mean it that way" or "no, I don't feel/believe that," he tries to tell me that I do. Oh and one of my favorites is that he is the authority on himself, so my feelings are misinformed. Okay! lol.
And never being able to tell a story or joke MY way
Submitted by I'm So Exhausted on
dedelight4,
I so get this. I have recently realized I need to address this with my spouse. When I tell a joke, he is jumping in to correct something. When I share my thoughts on a news item, he is jumping to correct something. Maybe he doesn't understand the concept of paradigms. Mine is not the same as his.
I do want to address this with him - as I would love to share a joke. . . . in my very own way :)
A blue crayon- is a crayon that is blue. What a crayon is - is a fact. Whether it is a lovely shade of blue, or cerulean, or a nice shade, is up to the beholder.