My husband is from the USA. I'm from the UK. This is a second marriage for both of us. Me because my first husband died. Him due to divorce. I realize now that I jumped into the marriage,my first husband was NORMAL and looking back I was lonely and so missing him I convinced myself that this new guy was equally the deal. The signs were there though. He'd forget to turn up to family events we'd been invited to,or turn up late. He always claimed to truly love me,want to do stuff to make up for all the hurt I'd gone through,he was big on words (still is ) but often failed to follow with the practical.
I've always had the feeling that his thoughtlessness and self centered behavior is not deliberate,he genuinely hasn't a clue. If I'm upset or in need of support he will often ignore me and is disgruntled if I point out what I need from him...thinking he is the one being wronged. This is also a pattern with others he comes into contact with. He is a practicing Christian and this also baffles me that he can sit and listen to the Preacher and still not apply stuff to our relationship. I am normally a calm person but I'm ashamed to admit that in the beginning I would hit out at him, as his lack of reaction infuriated me...thankfully I now control myself better.
Needless to say I now fully understand why his first wife divorced him on the grounds of unreasonable behavior. They have 3 children, he did very little to help in the home. I now do all the cleaning,cooking,gardening and work. To top it all he has a downer on my child and constantly brings up negative comments about them (no ones perfect but believe me this isn't a bad kid we are talking about).
When I mention that perhaps we would be better parting he comes over all persecuted quoting his ex wife experiences,or ignores me (hoping it will all go away?). I also know that if I did manage to part from him he would be devastated! However there is only so much I can take. We have no shared children, this marriage( I thought) was about love,support and companionship in our middle and latter years....all I'm getting is increasing stress. It could be so different, he can take me on lovely days out but fails on the o so important small(but not so small) stuff that cements a relationship.
Help anyone...there's no one for me to talk this over with.
Welcome to the forum but
Submitted by PoisonIvy on
Welcome to the forum but sorry you have to be here. I have a suggestion: copy and paste your post to the Anger, Frustration section; probably more people will see it there and respond.
New to this as well...
Submitted by aad333 on
I am a Clinical Nurse Specialist ... My boyfriend and I have moved in with each other recently and some issues I have been on alert about have only become more evident now that we have taken the plunge of moving in. My boyfriend is not diagnosed formally with ADHD however he and our relationship seem fit the mold perfectly . I am unsure as to how to proceed , how to bring this up to him without being a " nag" or offending him , I don't want it to be his fault or that something is wrong with him but our social interaction is something I have never experienced. When he spaces out I almost feel like something is wrong so I ask him , " are you ok ?" and he has become so severely annoyed by this that it is leading to arguments. He seems so detached so i show concern which he receives as nagging.
I love him dearly but she was raised in a military school and i am almost certain he will not receive this very well if I brought it up. I feel as though I am living in a relationship alone most the time. Then he will flip a switch and show immense love and support ( to me and the world when its convenient.
He hyper focused on me which made me feel loved and impressed we share the same goals career wise , love the same sports and enjoy even quiet time at home. He is impulsive and seems to detach or get distracted. I was discussing my relationship issues with another nurse I work with and she stated to me that he sounds like he has ADHD ( her husband has it). It hadn't crossed my mind but since then it seems to fit perfectly and when I follow blogs and use the tips it seems we do better. It has only been a few weeks I have seemed to come to this conclusion .... and I have no Idea where to go from here but if something is not done soon... Both of us will loose our minds.
We have started to argue over senseless things like I want attention and connection and he just wants to focus on his airplane shows and wont even speak to me as though I am not even in existence in his life and i the very same minute say he wants to marry me. He has gotten frustrated with me calling me a "nag". I believe my frustration in trying to get him to connect has caused this. I feel like im trying so hard but since we moved in together he then hyper focused on the move, or painting or work then me and my surgery, now work again and I am now back on the low end of the priority list.
He does not sleep well either and if he is woken up unexpectedly he usually lashes out in anger or frustration and even in bed and with intimacy i have started to feel a strain which I have also never experienced and we didnt experience in the beginning of our relationship.
Is there anyone out there that can help me proceed???? I have considered leaving the relationship because I feel so frustrated but I love him very much and I don't want to give up if there are things we can do because when its good ... its amazing.... I don't want to hurt him and I don't want to cry myself to sleep anymore. I have never experienced this in a relationship before in my life . I am an educated individual and know something is wrong.Please help...
Feeling Longely and Stressed in a relationship
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Ann - the going off and focusing on things other than your partner routine is pretty common in ADHD-impacted relationships. We had one of those conversations in our home just last night, in fact. In our household, at least, the non-ADHD partner must stay on top of whether or not there is enough connection happening between the partners - as otherwise the ADHD partner (even when things are good) can simply drift off elsewhere.
We have come to a point where we can talk about it, though, and it seems as if you may wish to try to get the two of you there, too. Learning conversations might help, or just sitting down and trying to calmly talk about why it's so important for you to be able to speak your mind...and that you hope to be able to speak together constructively, rather than have him get all defensive (this is a delicate subject, as you might imagine!)
One thing that I try to stress in my relationship is that there are some absolutes in relationships - specifically, that certain things MUST exist if you are to be happy together. Respect and respectful behavior towards each other; an amount of "attend time" that satisfies each partner; and intimacy are three. I cover these topics in my new book, The Couple's Guide to Thriving with ADHD because so many couples continue to struggle with them. But bottom line is this - you must INSIST upon your partner's providing the basics (and you must contribute them, too.)
Feeling Lonely and Stressed
Submitted by StillLearning on
Melissa, does your book identify what the nonADHD partner should be asking themselves to determine when enough is enough? Feeling more alone together than when single is a horrible place to be. I note you say the non ADHD partner need to be like a moderator determining if there's enough togetherness. That sounds horrible. I don't want to be a beggar for the crumbs of his left over attention. Doesn't the hyperfocus phase prove he can do it? I have just been reluctantly trying to decide if I want to throw the gauntlet down. Start working on your ADHD, particularly with paying attention to me or I have to call it quits. It's just too exhausting and humiliating. I can't control his behavior. But I do want to know he cares enough to reach out. I've already seen he can go 2 weeks or more without saying a single thing to me. He considers any kind of discussion of this type to be "conflict" and his coping style is to "avoid" all conflict. If he does try to listen and he does try he forgets it. He seems devoid of emotion -- an automaton. I understand it's his way of coping but it certainly leaves me in the dark about whether he cares. Words are not enough when they are not followed by actions. He loses every reminder. He is so distractable. He has a job that doesn't allow use of stimulants. So how am I to know what's reasonable expectations?
Hyperfocus phase and attention
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
Sadly, the hyperfocus phase is due to physiology that only happens once - when you first meet and are infatuated. Then the brain is flooded with dopamine...but this stops somewhere between 20 and 24 months for most people (sometimes sooner.) This is a response that all people have, and it is unrelated to ADHD. However, because of what ADHD is all about, it tends to mask ADHD symptoms.
As far as figuring out when enough is enough, The ADHD Effect on Marriage does talk about this - specifically there is a chapter about setting boundaries for yourself. It helps people figure out who they wish to be and what's important to them. If you do that, and then find that your relationship does not let you be who are wish to be comfortably, then you may wish to move on.
As for his job and stimulants - how about anit-depressants such as Wellbutrin? Or perhaps Strattera (yet again something else.) If he can't take meds, then there are still many ways to treat ADHD actively - exercise, meditation, mindfulness training and the like.
There is a difference between being a beggar for attention (feels terrible) and being part of a team that understands that attention is critical to the relationship, but in which one partner is more easily distracted than the other. In the latter case you might say "I am feeling as if you are a bit too distracted from me these days" and your partner's response would be "you're right. Let me refocus on you." That's a great contrast to "stop nagging me, you witch!"
Your partner sounds as if he's in denial - which is more problematic than the ADHD, quite frankly. ADHD can be managed, once one decides to do so. Denial can't.
Thank You...This Really Helps
Submitted by kellyj on
You just summed up the stage that I am finding myself in the process of improving my own relationship. This really helped me to access my own situation. Our therapist has said as much in his own way but not specifically directed to my ADHD. It is the only complaint I have sometimes with him in that sometimes, it would be really useful to know the specifics related to my ADHD issues and being in a relationship with someone else in an effort to pin things down. Your comments in this post really helped me to do this and know I can already see how it will be useful as it relates to myself. Thanks.
Hi defeated UK
Submitted by c ur self on
You almost just wrote the story of my life...my first wife of 30 years passed away w/breast cancer and it was then I met and married my present wife for a lot of the same reason's you stated. She has add, which I knew, but i had no clue of how that would play out day to day. She was 46 and had never been married...I really do not know what will help you, but I have been through a lot, the fighting for survival, the bitterness, the anger...11 months of separation, 10 months of counseling...And now trying to educate myself on add/adhd and learn how I must live with her so that we can have a peaceful home and relationship...I will share this one thing now, i believe you will find that to avoid chaos, you will need barrier's that must be respected by both of you to have the normality you are so looking for...We have some, I can elaborate if you would like? Any questions you have I will do my best to share my experience's...as others will :) keep your chin up...
Really Good Point
Submitted by kellyj on
I find that I can be a bull dozer with some people and not with others in term of boundaries so it becomes difficult to know what boundaries to respect with who? I smiled at your choice of words..barriers. ... that would be appropriate with a bull dozer. I really need my spouse to spell things out to me in clear language and not make assumptions that I somehow can know what her boundaries are in the first place.......in certain areas since her gage for high is my gage set on low.
I say this realizing that I am the one with the broken gage which is why this is so important in respect for both people.
That's funny!
Submitted by c ur self on
I really should do a better job of proof reading :) I should have said boundaries...I don't want to clutter up my marriage w/ rules, but it was chaos in the beginning because we are so different...I had to set a few boundaries with her like going somewhere on time...She will just pop in church when it's half over without a thought so in the beginning she would try to put a guilt trip on me like hey aren't you going to wait on me? So, I just set her down and said, If I'm going to church, work are anywhere else with a start time...I'm going on time or early...So, it was odd for a while, but, now I just stick a bible in the seat next to me if she show's fine if not fine...And another boundary is cleaning...She leaves most stuff where ever she drags it out, and can't throw anything away...so the house wasn't nothing but a big mess storage unit..So, I cleaned it and told her I would always live in a house that is at least picked up and available for our children, and grandchildren to visit and have a bed...I told her you can share in it or not...but that was how i was living. So i do about 90 percent of the cleaning and that's fine...I can live with it...Everybody is different, and these two boundaries may not be necessary for others.