I just stumbled upon this forum a few days ago, and have already been helped by what I've read so far. We have recently discovered that my husband has got ADD and that it explains almost all the hardship we've experienced in our relationship this far. We got married in May this year after a long distance relationship for 1.5 years. The problems were also visible before, but they hit us full force when we moved in together permanently. (Due to different locations, we couldn't 'live together' for more than 2 months during our relationship.) He is 31, I'm 37 years old. There's been drinking and driving and jail for him, car wrecks, loss of jobs, cheating on me before we were married, drug addiction (long time ago,) alcohol addiction (long time ago,) porn addiction (recently,) and the list goes on and on with the challenges we've met so far. Despite that, I love him to bits.
He's the most caring, fun, intelligent and wonderful person out there. The problem is also that his ADD is really starting to bug me, even after just a few months of dealing with it. We keep fighting about stupid stuff like: he forgot things, or he misinterpreted when/how to do things, needs constant reminding, has these little outbursts that will make him either angry and yell and or cry for no good reason and he has poor impulse control. He is forgetful and distant and fails to understand simple requests sometimes, feels easily overloaded. However, he is good with money, he is loving towards me (i.e not distant,) he is aware of his problems and he is trying to make amends. First step for us is to get him properly diagnosed and see if there are any drugs that can help him, although there is no doubt he's got ADD. The diagnosing can take a few weeks where we live. Second step is to learn how to deal with it so that he gets less frustrated and overwhelmed and I feel less like his mom. That's an important step and that is what I need you guys' help for. What is crucial for us to do, in order to experience less friction in our every day life i.e housework? I've heard that lists can backfire. I was thinking that we could calmly sit together and find tasks that he likes to do and that can be his permanently. He knows I'm expecting more of him now, in the house as I'm working more than full time and he is unemployed, and I've told him that the minute he gets a job, we'll revise the tasks. He is ok with that and loves helping us. He has had 2 simple tasks up until now, and that has worked out fairly well. I do not complete them even if he forgets to sometimes. Should we skip the lists and just stick to the tasks he will know he's responsible for? And I will have to not do them and not nag him, even if he forgets? Or is it ok to give a reminder? I really hate that I'm feeling like I'm his mom, I have understood now that he's trying his best, when I before thought he was being lazy and forgetful.
How can I reach him when he's closed down because of an emotional outburst? I normally give him a hug and a kiss and tell him I love him and try to resolve, but again, it makes me feel like his mom. Any tips?
I'm starting to feel worried about having kids next year, as we're planning to. I am worried about ending up with 2-3 individuals in my house with ADD and I'm also worried he might forget to dress them, feed them, change them, take them home from the store etc.etc. Any tips there? He has had dog experience and it went fairly well, with the exception of forgetting to give her water a few times...
I love my husband so much and I'd really like us to achieve a good balance in our relationship. Helping him is helping us, that's my motto :) I realize he isn't so affected by his ADD as other people I'm reading about here, but it is starting to become a huge problem and I'd like to get the tips I can from you who've been there and try to do the best we can with the experience you've got. (Understanding that we have our unique situation of course, since people are different.)