Basically I am in need of some basic information as well as some advice from people with experiance in dealing with a spouse who has ADD. Any advice or tips you can give me will be greatly aprechiated.
Me and my fiance are both 21 years of age. We became an item when we were 16. We met online, and we are from two different countries. He lived in America and I lived in Norway. We got engaged about 6 months ago. I moved to America from Norway summer of 2008 and started college. We have been living together since then. My fiance was talking about getting a job and eventually starting college while I was studying, but it did not happen. I could no longer study in America because of how expencive it is. I told him that I was going back to Norway to study, because there college is free and we can only focus on our rent. My fiance agreed to come and live with me in Norway and get married there. Our current situation is that we are waiting for my passport to be sent back to me ( USCIS has it, a non relevent story) so that we can travel over to Norway.
His mentallity throughout our relationship has been that he is not good enough for me, that I should not be with him, that he is dragging me down with him, that he can't get anything right, that he is a bum, etc.
His progress in life has been minimal, but I know how hard it is for him and I don't expect massive changes in a week or even a year. He has had progress however, but he usually doesn't keep his successes in mind for very long and he needs to be reminded, but when I do he'll find a way to turn it around and make it something negative about himself. I have had a lot of time to talk to his mother, who can see a drastic change in him. She says that from what he was like before me and him were an item to what he is like now, he has changed dramatically. I have learned so many things from her, but I still need more information about ADD.
I want to be as prepared as I can possibly be, and I want to be there for him as much as a possibly can. He is going to need me now more than ever, because he will be in a new country with a clean slate. I allready had a taste of reality when I left Norway and came to America, and it was hard for me. This trip over to Norway will be his taste of reality and I know that it is going to be that much harder for him.
What I am hoping to achieve is for him to find a job, to make a friend or two and to get in better shape, all od which are things that he talks about wanting to do in life, I would like to see them completed.
He is so extremely intelligent and so loving and caring. He knows that he has ADD and he battles with it every single day. If I could see him happy it would mean everything in the world to me.
Please let me know if you have come out of an experiance with knowledge you think would be benificial to me. If you have basic information about ADD that you would like to share that is great too.
I'm a sponge, I will absorb all the knowledge you are willing to give me :)
Thank you.
Hi Sunny,
Submitted by Elisabeth on
Can I ask if your boyfriend is taking meds? Or what he is doing to help himself?
Something to understand first off is that unless your fiance wants to help himself and acts positively on that, no amount of love, care or commitment from you will help (or be good for) either of you. Just thought I would point that out as you have not mentioned what he is doing to address his ADD.
My then boyfriend (now fiance) was diagnosed with ADD about a year ago. We had just gotten together. At that time he had just moved to Japan for work and I was still in Australia, so as well as the ADD we had a lot of other things to deal with too including a long distance relationship and a new country. From Day 1 of diagnosis my fiance was so committed to managing his ADD. If he had not been this way, it would have been extremely difficult for us to move forward. So I too decided to be as committed in helping him and supporting him.
We started off by doing the simplest of things. Looking up ADD on wikipedia on the internet and going through together which symptoms or behaviours my boyfriend had (because ADDers can have some or all of the symptoms). As I was still living in Australia it was hard for me to see how his behaviours were changing/different with meds and diagnosis. Remember, meds are not a fix all, they just help give the building blocks to be able to focus on the everyday tasks you and I can do so easily. My boyfriend says it was like a blanket was lifted off his head and he could suddenly see the world around him.
It did not really hit home for me how his ADD affected our daily life until I moved to Japan this February to be with him. So I learned what triggers his ADD symptoms (like stress, fatigue, alcohol) and we learned to adopt various strategies to help us stay on top of things. For example, his phone has numerous alarms to remind him to take medication and we also have a diary system that is linked to both of our iPhones and our emails so that anytime either one of us needs to know what we are supposed to be doing (or what the other one is doing) we can see. We also have an online To Do List that we can both access and add to and the responsibility lies with him in checking this. I also do little things like keep emails short and to the point and if it is important I label the email important in the subject so he knows he needs to pay attention.
I have also learned how to react better to him - which has been better for me anyway. I am learning to let the little things go (so what if he left all the lights in the house on again) and speak in a kinder way. I am also learning to think things over when I am upset before blurting out just any old comment to hurt him. I have learned so much about myself. We also celebrate the positives of ADD. So for example, I cannot think so well in an emergency situation or when plans suddenly fall apart. But my fiance on the other hand...well this is when he shines. Or the fact that my fiance is so thoughtful of other people. Or the fact that sometimes we have these conversations that make no sense to anyone but him....this makes us laugh (in fact it just happened 5 minutes ago). He tends to jump around his stories thinking I am on the same page as him and that I just know automatically where it is going....I always have to remind him to fill me in on the details!!
Like your fiance, my fiance also has had times when he has said he is not good enough and that he does not deserve me - this is an ADD trait. Sometimes when he thinks about how he has hurt people in the past as a result of his ADD he really does feel this. But I am able to explain to him how far he has come, and that this, along with the fact he is doing his best, is something for him to be proud of. I also point out that ADD or no ADD, we have all done things we are not proud of.
We are so proud of the way we manage his ADD together. There are still days when it gets the better of both of us, but we are learning that this is a part of ADD. No matter how much you think it is under control BANG! it rears its head and chaos takes over. But we are getting better to respond to this more calmly. We are also aware any children we have may also get ADD and we have talked about how we are going to deal with this.
You do have to be careful not to do too much - your fiance is still ultimately responsible for himself. My fiance does not get out of doing housework - I just have to remember he may take longer to get around to doing it than I would (and that this is ok!). In saying that though, I certainly do not seem any harm in gently reminding my fiance about things. We also both positively encourage each other. He does not take it for granted that I do certain things and he thanks me as much as I thank him. Positive encouragement is important for ADDers, but also important for non-ADDers too.
And there are those times when he just needs to zone out. He can get stuck on computer games...and the thing is, when he has had a busy/stressful day, I let him. This is what he needs to do to zone out and relax. But he also understands that he can't do this all the time and he knows he needs my guidance with this.
I hope this information helps. Let me know if you have any questions.
Cheers,
Elisabeth
Glad he sees how his behavior has affected others
Submitted by newstart on
Glad to hear that ADDers do see how their bahavior has affected others around them. My husband of 23 years (known he has ADD for 2 years, when he did absolutely nothing about it, before he left a year ago to heal himself). He does not see how his behavior has affected me and the 2 kids at all. He feels it is because I did not do enough that the problems arose. He thinks he has been very kind and bent over backwards to help and is a great person, and that I am the one with the problems - living in chaos, not being financially savvy which is why his businesses crumpled and we had to file bankruptcy.
Just glad to hear that someone cares about those around them, and tries to make others' lives easier to bear and help the ADDer.
Hi Sunny
Submitted by tazangel36 on
Sunny, a LOT of people with attention-deficit, particularly if it started in childhood, have low self-esteem. They may have spent years working on their diagnosis, years more in med therapy to find the right combo, and all that time has been spent with people berating them for their poor memory, lack of punctuality, lack of focus, lack of follow-through, and they start to believe that they're worthless.
The truth is, AD can be a gift, not just a curse. It carries with it a high degree of intelligence, creativity, and fun. Sure, there are down sides, and every AD spouse has a different story. But the bottom line is, life with your fiance will never be dull, and you get to choose if that's a good thing or a bad thing.
My husband has ADHD from childhood, and now my son does as well. What I can tell you is that being the spouse to AD is challenging, but challenges were meant to be overcome. There is much you can do to help him to help himself, and there are some things you're just going to have to let him do on his own.
Mostly what you need to remember is this: your fiance sounds loving, sounds like he has a good head on his shoulders even if he has trouble in some areas, and sounds like he welcomes your help in his life. This is a good thing! So many AD people don't have that mentality, which I'm sure you've read here on the forums. Be kind, loving, and understanding, which are qualities you'll need if you ever decide to have children, trust me!
Talk to him lovingly, respectfully, about things that are important to you. Don't expect him to read your mind, or to remember things. Want a great anniversary date? You'll likely have to plan it, or leave him constant reminders. Things like this don't mean that he doesn't care; it means he has poor short-term memory like so many others. Give him very clear and explicit expectations. Don't carry on long conversations, he'll likely lose focus. He will be able to hyper-focus on something that he really enjoys, which may not be you; don't take it personally, which I know is hard. Work with him, let him know you're there for him. Ask him what tools he needs from you to help the two of you to be successful.
Some things we do in my house:
Good luck, you CAN have a wonderful marriage to an attention-deficit person, but it will take work, love, respect and patience from both of you!