Hi! Like the subject says, I'm new to this board, and currently at a loss for what to do in my marriage. My husband was diagnosed with ADHD a few months ago and is on meds. We've been married for 3.5 years now, and he's been on medication the entire time, for a variety of things (depression, ED, now ADHD). I'm in the military and am currently wrapping up my second deployment. The first one went horribly - he didn't have a job where we lived, had no friends, stopped going to church, and basically withdrew from the world and spent every waking moment on a computer game. He came very close to committing suicide while I was gone. I got back from the first deployment, and almost nothing changed. He spent hours upon hours playing his game, ignored me 99% of the time, and didn't make any real efforts to find a job. After almost a year back from my deployment, I made the agonizing decision to give him an ultimatum: find a job (ANY job) in the next 30 days, or I would cut him off. He ended up moving out of the state and found a job elsewhere.
Fast forward 6 months: I'm due to move. A brand new position opens up at a base only 45 minutes away from where he works, and I manage to get that assignment. The timing of the whole thing is purely due to the faithfulness of God, there's just no other way to explain it. I moved, and we decided to take it slowly on rebuilding our relationship and reintegrating our lives. He stopped playing his game when I finally got it through his head that the game was like a mistress, stealing every bit of his time, attention, and affection from me, his wife. Little by little, we rebuilt some trust. There were some major setbacks, but I felt like it was going somewhat better. After 6 months at my new assignment, I deployed for the second time. I was optimistic that this deployment would be better than the last. We had a great church family who loved us and was committed to supporting both of us while I was gone. He had friends and a good job, and was interviewing for a better position that he would really enjoy (he ended up getting the new job).
I didn't leave in the best frame of mind. I had a week at home between training and actually deploying. He only took one day off work during that whole week, and balked at even having to do that. One night, he stopped by a friend's house for a few minutes after work. Four hours later, he calls me apologizing that he'd lost track of time. When he got home, he was stoned, and only had a few minutes before he needed to go to bed so he could go to work the next day. Two nights later, he cried about how much he would miss me. At this point, I was emotionally devastated, but numb as I prepared to go to war.
A week after I left, things took a turn for the worse. He "forgot" all about the rules I had established for our dog and had spent months training her on (not allowed on the furniture, not allowed in the basement). He "forgot" that I had told him how important it was to me and what the reasons were. He "forgot" that those were 2 of the 3 things that I had directly asked him not to do. He started spending thousands of dollars on new hobbies, despite the fact that he spent hundreds of dollars and many weekend and evening hours setting up other hobbies/projects before I left, wasting time we could have spent together before I went to war. We had agreed to save money during my deployment, and to increase payments on his student loan. I paid off over $30K on HIS loans while he was unemployed. He hasn't paid anything beyond the minimum payments on his loan since I left, choosing to spend thousands of dollars every month on eating out and hobbies. After talking with him about it a handful of times, I created a new bank account where my pay would be deposited. I transfer half of the money for bills every month to the joint account, but other than that, he only has access to the money he makes. I hoped that this would be a boundary with natural consequences (if he spends too much, the account will run out of money). He hasn't had to face any consequence though, as his boss gave him a bonus, and recently a promotion. He doesn't pay any attention to how much money is in the account, and just buys without any concept of how much he is spending. There have been a few times that I have needed for him to do something or send something. After months of gentle reminders, him promising that he'll do it, and me telling him how important it is to me, he eventually gets it done, but not after causing me a lot of stress.
I've spoken with my pastor from back home a number of times, seeking advice for how to move forward. My pastor (who recently moved out of the state) and I are at a loss. I don't have biblical grounds for divorce, yet I'm at a loss for what to do if he never changes. I can't imagine a real future with someone who continually squanders money, drinks and gets stoned almost daily, makes promises that won't be kept, leaves me with the vast majority of the household duties, has no thought for anything beyond today and his immediate pleasure, and has no concern for what I think or feel about anything unless I am agreeing on something about his latest hobby or interest. I deeply want to be a mom (he talked me into the idea), but now he doesn't want kids, and doesn't think he ever will. Rationally, I know it would be a horrible idea to have kids right now, but emotionally, I can't seem to switch off the desire to be a mom.
I'm heading home in the next month. I can't wait to leave where I am, but I dread going back home to deal with all of this. I plan to set boundaries in place, especially about the pot. He has a medical "prescription" for it, but if I get caught anywhere around the stuff or with any of it in my system second-hand, I will have to leave the military in a "go to jail, go directly to jail, do not pass go, do not collect $200" kind of way. He doesn't seem to care how much I hate the stuff and what he's like when he's smoking it, or that it jeopardizes my job.
I don't know how to let go of the anger. I hate the angry person I've become, but every time I think I'm starting to get past it, something else comes up. My list of things to do when I get home just grows longer every time we talk. Even the most basic thing I want when I get home - a long bubble bath by myself in my own private, clean bathroom - is going to require me cleaning the bathroom, since he hasn't done it since I left.
I feel trapped with no way out and no promise that things will get better. He doesn't even seem to think anything is wrong unless I bring it up EVERY time we talk, which I don't want to do while I'm thousands of miles away. Every time I get upset or angry about something, he seems 100% surprised as if my anger is out of the blue, despite us talking about an issue multiple times. I'm supposed to be focused on my mission, since losing focus here can get people killed, but I can't just forget about everything going on back home. This deployment has been just as devastating as the last one, just in different ways.
Sorry for the length - I didn't know how to articulate the situation in a shorter post. I appreciate any feedback/advice/etc. anyone can provide.