New and Overwhelmed

So many of us are trying to find a way through the chaos of ADD and ADHD. I have a daughter in her late 20's diagnosed at age 6 and a husband undiagnosed. When I was told by a professional that my daughter would endure a series of dreadful events due to the fact that she was ADD, I really did not understand why they were telling me about all the negative behaviors that go along with it. I'm an optimist!!

That optimist piont of view has turned into a realist one. Now 20 + years later, and a very long journey of issues with my daughter and wondering why my marriage was struggling. I discover that my Husband also has this wonderful issue.

I had become the emergency woman, as almost on a daily basis either my daughter or my husband would create some sort of 911 issue and I ran around putting out all the fires!! The list is endless and there is not enough space to write down the countless trials I've endured along the way. I'm here to be a part of this community and connect with others that struggle though the ever winding road of ADD. I hope to be able to gain knowledge and insight, and to just fit in somewhere! I hope to be of help to others and sort out many issues which include my own needs of wellbeing and hope for a brighter future.

I hope that in the midst of

I hope that in the midst of all of this, you're somehow managing to take care of yourself. Does your husband have plans to be evaluated? Does your daughter realize that her issues are ADHD related and somewhat manageable with treatment? You really need to step back and stop putting out everyone else's fires and take care of yourself! Sorry..but glad..you're here. (you know what I mean).

Sherri

Non-ADDspouse's picture

Doing the best

Thank you ..yes, I'm doing the best I can with taking care of myself...my husband drove us down the road of bankruptcy and I'm having to start all over again in mid life...it's scary and sad, I don't like to cry, because I need to stay strong for my younger daughter who lives with us. I'm trying to hold all the pieces together. I really feel like someone just took my life from me..and left me to die. I do my best to keep my patience and try not to remind my husband how much pain he has put our family through, because of this. It really makes no difference. Here we are..struggling. I want to be alive again and thrive again...I've lost many dear friends and even some family support, so I tend to get  very depressed. Not very many people understand this kind of devestation. Many really don't care. I've had to be strong and realize I can only take one day at a time. Money is tight and the extra money I used to spend on taking care of myself comes far apart, so I just have to stay positive and keep hoping for better days.

It is so much easier to fight

It is so much easier to fight the battle when you know who you are fighting against. More and more information has come about this diagnosis and more and more of us diagnosed are getting help understanding and with that we can also help others. So by each day it gets better and better.

You are an amazing mom and wife. Being there for your family and sticking through, you should know that you are awesome. However, it is important for you to also realize that you are in this too. There is a you in this whole mess of lazy, forgetful, impulsiveness. As a non-ADDspouse you have a few rights that you need to make sure that you cash out, some of these are:

- The right to feel disappointed.
- The right to feel irritated.
- The right to feel sad.
- The right to feel exhausted/tired.
- The right to just want to dump the two and hitchhike to Las Vegas to open up your own little wedding chapel with a Greek theme while also joining a late night pottery class.

If you don't like crying then you don't have to cry. But make sure that you cash out these feelings as well to keep yourself from being overwhelmed. I personally love that my husband at times just has enough of my ADD and "spits" all over it. Because I feel like that too, and having someone to share that with is great.

How are your husband and daughter responding to their possible diagnoses? Are they in denial, sometimes alright with it or accepting?



 

Non-ADDspouse's picture

One is diagnosed one is not

My daughter is diagnosed, and so severely wrapped up in the self destructive life she made that she cannot even deal with the underlying issuses, now. It's like she burried herself under a ton of bricks and she is now in her mid 20's trying to lift of the heavy burdens that she herself created. It's so sad to watch her, and it's been very hard on me as well. She her 2 children and her husband lived with me and my spouse off and on for 8 years. She ADD and him Bi-Polar and ADHD. I thought I could save the world. Now... I feel like a weak small fragile thin shell. I want to be young and strong again, but I never realized how much I was doing and what it was doing to me. I still look young on the outside, but on the inside...i don't know. Sometimes I'm so confused at how my life took a turn...I really felt alone when my husband and I realized he has the same issues, only he can run a corporation with hardly any effort, he is so driven, but once he gets home...all that goes out the window. He can't even find a cup in the kitchen to get coffee. I used to think nothing of it, but now that I'm older it all seems magnified, and I'm struggling to stay on top of things myself.

Wow, I havn't been able to vent like that to anyone. No one would ever understand.

New but so old

I am also a spouse of an ADHD man. We live in Canada and it is so hard to find a doctor that will jump in and help. He was diagnosed in grammar school, medicated, and left at a desk in the office so that he didn't disrupt the class. I am a teacher and have had many ADHD children in my class and was always the strong supporter to the child and tried to encourage the parents too. These children were always exciting and smart if in the right environment. I just instinctively loved them and tried my ignorant best. Who would have thought all that goes out the window when you live full time with the craziness.  He also has 2 boys that are ADHD. Once again they were amazing in the beginning too. He didn't raise them, has no clue how to take care of himself  and we fight constantly when they are in our home about their behaviour, lack of respect and destruction. I'm pretty sure when my name comes up they roll their eyes.( if not more). All three of them are destruction and their father tells them to lie to me so I don't get upset. It truly amazes me that a parent encourages their child to lie. I hope as we work through this book  that as our relationship changes ( and it will even if I die trying) it can change  his relationship with his boys too. Do they know that they have taken advantage of me and hurt me? Do they behave worse because their father allows it. At any rate the book is our next step. Like the shoes in your case he always falls asleep with his glasses on, generally doesn't take care of anything that costs money and broke them. So last night he sat and listened to me read the first chapter. Thank God Melissa clearly pointed out it was a journey we both had to want because we both say we do. I come from a previously failed marriage and I'll be damned if I fail at this one. We deeply love each other but I know that I will go crazy if I have to live this way for the rest of my life. Knowledge is power. So night 1 went smashingly and I mean that in a good way for once. We have a Dr. now that has given him 2 different medications that he is not comfortable with. One made his heart race and he rearranged all the furniture in the house. I couldn't believe it for a man that has never put a thing away since I met him, while he was on this med. I couldn't find a thing in the house. He didn't like that one and the next one..Seroquel left him so lethargic and tired. At this point he is just using illegal drugs which only causes more problems. To top things off he is an addict so what ever pill he takes he rarely takes properly.  He has not followed through on any appointments with councellors or Dr. since before Christmas. The addiction hasn't been around as long as the ADHD but probably for 20 years.. half his life. He also spent a good 6 years in and out of jail right around the time when myself and anyone in my world was finishing highschool , going to college, learning how to pay bills take care of themselves with out parental help and learning how to take care of and love someone else. So many factors that have built this crazy, frustrating irresponsible man. Where to begin? Grab at one straw and get started. What a road. I am all he has everyone else has given up on him. Well on to the next chapter. I think he wants this help I am not qualified but it's as much for my sanity as his so if I get something it'll be more that I had yesterday.