new to the forum and gobsmacked

Hi, I am a new poster, but have been lurking for days.  My husband does not have a diagnosis of ADD or ADHD, but I have realized that there is something desperately wrong with him for a long time.  We have been married for 12 years, and the "honeymoon" ended when our first child was born- seems like literally when she took her first breath, I fell into the well of loneliness.    I thought for a while that my husband had a passive-agressive personality disorder (of course, since he would never admit there is anything abnormal or wrong with him, I am forced to try to "diagnose" him with info gained from personal research).  I came across this site, and I felt like all of the women here must've been married to my husband at some point.  He doesn't cheat, drink, gamble, hit me,  etc. and he keeps a job;  the problem is living with him is like living with a ghost (an ANGRY ghost).  As long as I keep my mouth shut and do all of the household chores, child-rearing (read "scut work") everything is fine- to him.  But if I express any desires, needs, wishes of my own, the anger comes full force.  

My real problem is that I hate him.  I wasn't raised to be a stand by your man type of girl.  I didn't grow up in a family of a**h*** men;  the men in my family are strong and gentle, responsible and dutiful to their families and wives.  I am not able to respect my husband, and I spend an inordinate amount of time wishing him into the cornfield a la' Twilight Zone.  I hate him because he is costing me myself.  I used to be witty, calm, just flat-out cool.   My husband's behavior has turned me into a nagging, hateful, mistrustful, irritable and vengeful individual.  I am angry that getting him to remember/agree/do the simplest, smallest task requires so much energy on my part;  I am tired of being a single parent (except when he decides to help me parent, and then he is so crappy and capricious about it that I'm all "It's cool.  I got this". )

We have 3 kids, one disabled- and I also work outside the home.  I am overwhelmed with cleaning up the messes of a grown man, who then only hates me for cleaning them up.   I am so tired of his passive-aggressive ways!   I am starting to sink into behaviors that I never thought I would ever do, because my anger is seeping out of me like a poison gas.  Lately, my favorite trick has been to wait until the pancake or sandwich he is (inattentively) making for himself is just about to burn, then suggest that he should turn it.  I sneak off and laugh to myself as he burns his meal due to his need to show me that I can't tell him what to do.  I do realize how pathetic this is.  

What is frightening to me is the thought of growing old with this person.  It is the abyss that I cannot look directly into.  I know that I can't stay married to him for the rest of my life because the stress would/is killing me.  But my youngest is only 4.  My dream right now?  I fantasize that I meet a decent man who is a decent boyfriend, and he fulfills that part of me that needs laughter, empathy, sharing, cooperation, pampering, acceptance, etc.  I fantasize that I could share that part of myself with someone other than my husband, while still giving my husband the shut up and chores that he requires.  I don't think my husband would even notice if I had a boyfriend, as long as I didn't bother him with what he calls my "endless needs".  Which- by the way, I am not a needy individual.  I actually appreciate a good amount of solitude and have never been one to begrudge my husband going out with friends, or having hobbies or whatever.  I have my own friends and hobbies, that if given the time, would keep me plenty busy.  Does that give you any indication of how awful my marriage is?  That I think having an affair could only make it better and more tolerable for us?  I haven't done so, because I don't want to make my kid's lives implode- not because I feel any allegiance to my spouse.   It is hard to feel allegiance and sympathy toward someone who seems to hate you and treat you like their personal pooper-scooper.  That's all.  Thanks for letting me vent.