Hello! It's nice to find this site. I will apologize for the rambling from the start. I just want to give facts. I was professionally diagnosed with ADD about 2.5 years ago. I felt for a LONG time there was something wrong with me that I could not control. I am now 54 years old and have been married and divorced 3 times. My first marriage was right out of college and lasted for 2 years, no children. I didn't get along with his girlfriend. My second marriage I was 31 when we met (he 33 in 1992) we married 4 years after our first date (1996 and was pregnant with our first child) and had lived together for 3.5 years. There were "red flags" that I saw but mostly blamed myself for "fueling the fire". He had a bad, quick temper, had been verbally abusive. He traveled 50% of the time and at that time we didn't have cell phones. I felt that he "wasn't so bad" and I was getting older and wanted to have children. Anyway, we were married for 11 years and it was hell. We had 2 sons that I stayed home and raised. I found out there was a lot going on during our marriage that I didn't know or denied. He was abusive, drank daily, habitual liar, daytrader, addicted to porn and was narcissistic. I filed for divorce and got full custody of our sons although he stil sees them when it is convenient for him. We divorced 7 years ago and still go to court because of his financial cheating and lying. I married again to a man with 2 sons stair steps in age with mine. His sons had no rules or consequences. His youngest was still wetting the bed at 15 years old, and the older one was doing poorly in school with no guidance from his bio parents. After 4 years of marriage, he filed for divorce 3 days after we refinanced our house (he needed my signature) and he me and my sons ordered out of our home. I had been diagnosed with ADD 1.5 years before this and on medication, so I had my struggles. That has caused a big trust problem with my youngest (now almost 15 who sees a psychiatrist and is on meds.
I am a college graduate although I could not stay focused. I am a professional, a mother and a person who struggles with ADD even though I take medication. I am in a profession where the field is saturated so it is hard to find another job, especially at my age. I currently work 2.5 days a week and it is difficult to make ends meet. I struggle with clutter and being organized. I feel that I have not made a good home for my sons with my clutter and my struggles with finances, their father and my frustrations. I TRY not to let them see it but they are not stupid.
I currently see a psychiatrist for my meds and a psychologist for my struggles. I feel I have been in counseling most of my adult life! I am in a relationship but have NO plans to marry again but I don't want to live the rest of my life alone. I don't know if I am a bad partner picker or if I am a bad partner or if my ADD gets in the way.... I have friends that I have had since kindergarten and high school. My childhood, college, neighbors, co-workers and professional friends love me. I am very caring, warm, helpful, loving and friendly person. I just don't understand all of my struggles. I really try to get professional help and follow advice. I try to do my best and have everyone's best interest involved in mind.
I just don't know what do do anymore to make things better. I obviously am depressed and take meds for that. Any thoughts, advice or words of wisdom would be greatly appreciated!
THANK YOU!
I don't have time and energy
Submitted by smilingagain on
I don't have time and energy to write a long response- but as a woman (mother, wife, professional) with adhd, I wanted to reach out- even if it's brief right now.
Hang in there. It's not all on you that your marriages failed. But enough marrying. For now at least. Please focus your energy inward. It is much much better to be alone than to be in something bad. It sounds like you never learned how to be alone happily. I always had the same problem (up until I married at age 24, 11 years ago). But my marriage has been extremely difficult. I love my kids and want to keep the family together for them- but would otherwise have left long ago. I fantasize about being alone, frankly. If my husband and I were to split, I would never again marry- unless it was years and years from now and my kids were grown and out of the house. Even then, I doubt it.
My therapist told me that most adhd women (especially undiagnosed) pick someone unworthy because of our self esteem issues. But who knows whether that's right.
anyway- for your kids sake and for your benefit, please try to focus on yourself and building your self esteem right now. Don't let yourself miss this opportunity to make some really positive change and avoid repeating mistakes.
hugs to you. I know first hand how hard this is. Hang in there. :)