Not for here pity or self-indulgent sentiment, just trying to understand and learn because currently I'm at a loss because all of this is foreign to me.
I believe my wife to have ADD, as far as I know I'm a non-ADD husband. Our second oldest daughter (my stepchild that I've raised since she was 4, 9 years ago) was diagnosed with ADD, close to two years ago now. My wife and I both come from pretty rough backgrounds, me from the poorer areas of southern and east coast cities and her from similar areas in New Jersey and Virginia. My point to saying that, is she (as I) often struggles with normal feelings on par with those that struggled in such manners from an early age; i.e. abandonment, disappointment, trust, constructs of pessimism and the proper management and expression of all manner of negative emotion, feeling, thought and action. Again, I say in this regard we are very much similar, as it is my personally philosophy that "God" never brings individuals into our lives to which we are not equally yoked. Thus in most instances, you are the same as everyone you meet either exactly or in an equal but opposite embodiment. So with that being said, that first part isn't an issue for me as we both are dealing with such, learning to grow, forgive and move past our pasts.
The issues lie in our communication, her ability to shutdown when angered/annoyed/frustrated, her lack of emotional awareness in general, her defensiveness and stubbornness. I really hate this because I don't like feeling like I'm putting her on blast or telling some lopsided and biased story but I really don't know where else to go. We argue about things and she feels like "we argue about everything", whereas I'm like we were just talking, until she becomes so adamant about our arguing that we begin to actually argue. She says it's because I'm so contrary to whatever her opinion is and I don't "see" myself but half the time in my estimation and understanding, we're just talking, then I say something so context I never intended gets applied to it and then BOOM, I'm stuck explaining myself for hours and during that time she's angry because I monopolize the conversation, trying to defuse something that on my end never took place. These conversations lead to arguments because my defusing often leads to misinterpretations and misunderstandings no matter how many disclaimers or how carefully I word my responses. It's like she cherry-picks what I say and rarely applies the full context to our conversations. I'm then usually cornered into admitting something that I did say but not in the manner that she took it (which means she's right, in her estimation), but trying to explain while not appearing defensive but still telling the truth, only to get obliterated in the end with her saying, "See you're always trying to switch &^#*$! up!" or just looking at me in complete disgust before shutting down but not before explaining that I don't see me and that I always have an atitude or some nasty reaction to her. To that I try to explain that my initial reaction isn't always how I truly feel, for example if I'm writing or playing a video game or watching the game and you interrupt me five times in a row while I'm not intending to be rude, my reaction is just that my focus is being broken. (Sometimes it is annoyance but I'm honest about those times.) But now I'm at a point where I honestly don't know. I feel attacked all the time (and I'm not sensitive by any means) but I'm tired of trying to help, love, relax or have (my version of) fun with her only to be cornered and made to feel like I'm wrong for doing so. We're at a point that her adherence to her own thought and belief literally has her where in her mind, I'm a liar. Because in every instance we argue she tells me how I felt or what she thought my reaction was and she's rarely right in those judgments and perceptions, to which she feels like in the sheer number of times she's incorrect she should be right by now, which causes her to doubt me all together. She always takes the most superficial meaning of our conversations and that alone becomes the most broadest explanation of what's wrong with me or even worse just me in general. Almost like an end all, be all solution for the explanation of "my problems" or "who" I am. In those explanations, she's rarely accountable in any meaningful way from my perspective. Mainly, in my opinion because truthfully I don't press the issue. I love my wife and that's it. I don't believe in conditional love and everything is temporary, plus I don't feel like she'll never learn, grow or be better for herself and by extension us, so I try to be understanding and not complain unless it's actually happening.
At this point, I'm just worried and weary. She's passionate and often willing to go to the end based upon any deeply felt belief. She's as of late drinking wine alot, I try not to act as if it bothers me but we both know it does. She's appears to be self-medicating and she's always talking about escaping or having something for herself. Which I get but in the same breath unless it's something that can't be missed (vacation, night out, dinner, etc.) she rarely will take time for herself on one hand, then on the other she'll get in modes where everything doesn't matter and she's simply in her own. I'm sorry for the length I'm trying to be thorough and fair. To that end, I will say that I'm a very analytical and critical person. Which seems like it always hits a nerve with her, so now I'm at a point where I try to just not say anything but I'm often unsuccessful because I was raised by a very frank single mother and we always tried to just be honest and open, explaining issues and needs as we go. Which seems to make her feel as if I'm judging her. I understand (at least I think) her point of view, I'm honestly just tired and looking for a solution. She's my best friend but it seems like we have no ability to be happy in our skin unless all things around us are favorable (which luckily for us currently have been at least 50% of the time).
Again sorry, this is my first time doing this and I really don't know what to write, much less how to explain in a manner that's fair to us both and in the end find answers.