Hi all
I am a non-ADHD man of 46, I have been 7 months in a relationship with an ADHD woman of 39. She was diagnosed very late in her life (34) and she takes medications since then. As far as I know, she has never done any therapy (cognitive or functional), which I believe would have greatly helped her to reduce all the symptoms and dysfunctions she has (very OCD, hoarding, anxiety, impulsitivy, controlling, uncontrolled fears). Plus she is a very smart woman, and she has the know-it-all attitude, therefore not prone to compromising and discussing things. Things must be done her way, she is very dominant.
Her family is aware of her being ADHD, but they have no clue of what she is like sa a partner, besides she had lived on her own for more than 10 years, and her family sees her as an independent woman. They are well aware of her failed past relationships and know it is hard to get along with her, but they do not really do much for her other than treating her like the other sons/daughters. I am convinced that they should take more care of her, since she was diagnosed (at 34), they should have helped her improve the quality of her life, probably by convincing her and support the cost of behavioural therapy, which she really needs!
At the beginning of the courtship, she was very committed in 'behaving well', she told me she was committed into making our relationship work. Two months later she admitted she had ADHD and takes medications regularly. I embraced this, I had no idea what it meant. But she was behaving well, she told me 'as long as I take medication I am perfectly normal'. But that was not true actually. The medications are just a small thing, not enough :(
Now, since she moved to my place a few weeks ago, she has shown all the bad traits of her dysfunctions: procrastinating, not following up on things, denying, etc, impulstivity, uncontrolled expenses, hoarding. Which leaves me very desperate as I am deeply in love with her and wish our relationship to work. But I am new to ADHD, do not know exactly what to do. I bought Melissa Orlov's audiobook, which I am listening and am close to finishing. I got very emotional at listening to it, I have seen myself in the same situations described in the book. and now I got to the point that I need help to help her and make the relationship blossom - but I don't know how and what to do.
Trying to talk to her, convince her to do some therapy (maybe together) or counseling - would be impossible, she denies she needs any help, she believes the medication is enough. Even though the reality of the fact is a house that is messy already with all the stuff she brought from her home, and is sitting everywhere ('I will fix everything tomorrow'), her laziness has now 'contaged' me because I have no push, no desire to do things on my own (because she would not do things she doesnt like).
I really love her and want to make it work, don't want to give up. But my question is: if she doesn't want to be helped to be a better person, to live a normal life, what can I do? Just adapt and give up on having a normal life? :(
Thanks for reading
Just in time.
Submitted by AdeleS6845 on
I'm sorry to hear about what you're going through with your partner. You posted the right time. I just finished reading a post on this site:
The end of what never truly was.....
Submitted by c ur self on 04/09/2020.
It may be helpful for you to read c's other posts on this site. He has been married for 12 years to a woman with ADHD and he is a "non", as are the majority of us here. You will find most of the posters on this site are women trying to figure out what to do about their ADHD husbands/partners.
As I'm sure you have read in Melissa Orlov 's book, most of the problems in the relationship are due to the ADHD partner being in denial that their behavior is affecting the relationship. Hyperfocus when the relationship is new can be exciting, but when it wears off, reality hits.
You are correct when you ask if you should just adapt to give up on having a "normal" life. That is the Crux of it. Unless and until she accepts that her behavior is causing problems in your relationship, she will not change. Ownership, acceptance. ADHD or not, we often cannot see our own behavior.
I wish you all the best, and I hope you can make your relationship work. I suggest reading more posts on this site, particularly those written by C ur self.
.
Adele
Submitted by madaus on
Adele
Thanks heaps for taking the time to read and reply my message. I did read a few posts by c-ur-self and am extremely sad to see the outcome of his relationship, especially because I think that could be me in 12 years time.
As you said, until the ADHD person really understands the effects his/her behaviour has on the partner, he/she would not even consider making a positive change. In my case, having her realise that something needs to change, is the hardest part. I am thinking, maybe I should seek help from her family, share my thoughts and hope that they would really step up and help her daughter. But then I feel like it would be unfair to her at this stage... Hamletic doubt.
I will follow your advice and read more of c-ur-self's posts and hope to get ideas or new strenght. Last thing I want is walking out of my relationship, would do anything to make it work.
Again thanks and God bless - and happy Easter, wherever you are!
I am living this doubt