I recently discovered this forum and have just started the book. My husband and I have been married for 11 years, together for 14. We discovered his ADHD about 2 years ago, when he FINALLY agreed to seek help for his anger issues. His uncle's wife alerted me to the adult ADHD checklist after researching it for her husband (my DH's dad's brother) and their son. I could not believe how many things I said "yes" to when reading that list. The constant misplacing things, anger (often because he can't find his keys/wallet, etc.), the abandoning of projects after the challenging part is done (before the diagnosis we bought a fix-er-upper. I now refer to our house as "Home of the half done project"), just to name a few.
He was put on Straterra for fear a stimulant would keep him awake at night and this has a mild antidepressant with it. Is it working? He says it is, but it's hard to say for me, because he is bad about consistently taking it. Due to the expense (close to $200 a month, and we have no insurance), he tried to save money by only taking it during the week. Great. Then we got the ADHD on the weekends. Plus, Straterra builds up slowly in your system, so you can't go on/off of it like that and expect it to work. I can tell he hasn't taken it for a couple of weeks, but I get tired of nagging and asking him about it. When he goes off of it and then starts it again, it makes him sleepy the first day and he basically naps all afternoon. I have mentioned about seeing another doctor and trying something different (so if he forgets it at least it will work within 15-20 minutes when he does take it.) but he doesn't seem interested.
This is a true roller coaster to live through. There were some hints of the anger and some issues before we were married, but I was 24 and just thought it would work itself out. Now, 2 kids and 11 years later, I feel we are worse off than ever in our relationship. I have days where I am researching divorce and trying to figure out how I could save for my own place, and then days when I could just burst with love for him. ADHD truly puts you through extreme emotions. He is very difficult to talk to (avoids emotional discussions and gets defensive easily) and I feel like I have a messy, inconsiderate roommate rather than a partner most days. I have let him slowly chip away at me and now I feel as I have lost myself. I have gained weight (emotional eating), become very unsure of myself and much "weaker" emotionally, and just feel like I can't speak my mind without getting shot down. I am the unfun parent who has to do the bulk of the housework, enforce bedtimes, and run the schedule. I put a lot of blame on him, but I am sure there are ways I could be coping better. Hopefully the book will help give me some insight. It is very hard for me to write things off as ADHD behavior and not take it personally. I don't want to fight back in front of the kids, but I feel like if I don't, they will see me as weak.
Separation (mainly to jolt him) has been on my mind A LOT lately, but he is a great dad and I hate to tear our family up. I just can't imagine another 40-50 years of this, though. Sorry this is long, but I mainly just needed to get some things out. None of my friends have spouses with ADHD, so it is nice to have people that understand. I am glad I've found you all!