New to this, help.....

My husband was recently diagnosed with ADHD at age 62.  He grew up feeling something was different and adjusted.  We have been married 5 years and it was a wonderful dating and "in love" time.  And as the books say, then things become real, not so focused on the in-love and we approached the normal life.  This diagnoses has helped us to see and understand some things, but it is very new and scary to me.  I have searched some counseling help for me in our area but don't seem to be getting anywhere - lots of help for him though.  We have discovered the medication has helped him put clarity in his day and given him a sense of control.  Although it does not change who he is, he doesn't seem to be able to see things differently so we can work towards a calmer and better relationship.  I hear him saying this is the way he is and we have to adjust to that.  I want to know where I come into this scenario and what adjustment "we" make for that.  I have adjusted and do many things differently now, for him, and I concentrate all day to approach things in a way can manage.  I know he loves me deeply and is open to doing things to make this better.  That said, he has to focus so hard on his day-to-day things and feels so much pressure "from himself" to complete things that he doesn't have or make time to work on things for us.  How do I get this moving forward?  I would like some help in how to make this better for both of US and not just adjusting to his life while mine is in frustration and a sense of loss.  Thanks

question.answer, I wish

question.answer, I wish I could help you but I'm the one with ADHD.  My husband tells me all the time how lonely he feels. I use to put the blame on him that he doesn't go out or call friends enough or join clubs.  I'm only now starting to realize that his loneliness has a lot to do with my ADHD.  

Does he have an ADHD specialist that he sees...like a psychologist, social worker, or doctor?  I know that my psychologist has offered to meet with my husband to help him through this mess.  My husband isn't one for counseling so he hasn't gone, unfortunately.  However, maybe his specialist can help you too.  

I think this website will become very important to you.  You will know that you are not alone and you will get some perspectives from spouses and those with ADHD.  

If he has just been diagnosed, you both have a long road ahead of you.  It is very frustrating but don't give up.  He will learn how to prioritize and how to make time for you.  Just give him a little time to adjust to the new definition of himself.  Sometimes it's hard to accept that negative events that have happened in the past, probably happened because of your ADHD.  

Seems as if you two love each other and are willing to be partners in this struggle.  He will have ups and downs even on medications and you will never clearly "get ADHD". 

I wish I could be of more help.  I really hate it when someone posts a new forum to ask for help and no one responds.  I've learned that if you just jump into a similar forum already taking place, you get a better response!!

 

Thank you so much for the

Thank you so much for the reply, again I was wondering if I was out there all alone.  My delay is later because I have been under the weather.Yes, we both agree we have a long road ahead of us.  Fortunately we are both older and don't have children in the home so we can confront issues as they arise.  I have just retired and he is to retire in 2 weeks, plus we are just finishing building a new home.  Things are hectic but we are both committed to making this work for both of us.  We each allow the other to express our frustration or feelings -- and do this in a quiet time rather than when we are frustrated or angry.  He acknowledges what I am saying and sees my side but doesn't have the answer.  I feel I am making ground in that he acknowledges it and hopefully that plants something somewhere and he will recall it "once in awhile".No my husband does not see a specialist.  We did try some marriage counseling, which occurred around the same time as his diagnosis.  We deemed that "marriage counseling" would not help us until we got his complete diagnosis and a path for the future.  Also the couple of therapist we saw didn't have much clue about ADHD.  We both have been more open about talking honestly....I feel more comfortable about expressing my feelings and he not taking them personally and immediately trying to defend himself.Our first step is that we are reading "The ADHD Effect on Marriage" together - I read to him because my ADHD partner does not enjoy reading.  This is working for us.......he laughs and is always either saying "Dah" or "yep, that's me".  We'll see how this goes.  I am having a good day and this was a pleasant read for me.  Thank you for your reply.  

Good to hear from you

Question.answer, so glad to hear from you.  I haven't been on this blog much lately but I have been hoping that you and your husband have continued to make progress.  My husband and I did marriage counseling too...and your right, they don't address how ADHD really affects it.  Your husband isn't alone in his dislike for reading either.  It just doesn't register much for me.  My husband has done most all of the research on ADHD for me.  It has been so helpful.  I pray that you guys are able to work through most of this before too much time has occurred.  It took me way to long to recognize my ADHD and my anger towards "who knows what" effected my marriage drastically.  I struggle to keep my diagnosis of ADHD in the front of all my thoughts and actions but have learned that I have to in order to distinguish truth from oversensitivity.  This ADHD thing is so powerful, I have to be very careful that I maintain power over it.  I know that your husband can do the same...he seems to be very committed to addressing his struggles.  Prayer helps too and I'll keep you both in mine.

God Bless,

Still trying to be "not defined by ADHD"