new here....

I started coming here after I began a quick google search for an online support group for spouses with adhd. I have been reading for about 2 weeks now and finally decided to register. Sadly I have no drive in me left to type out all that I have been through in the past 13 years. Seriously it is written throughout this board! I can start with me and what I feel is my part in this whole mess. I believe I am the non~adhd'er even though I am the one in counseling and in the past taken medication. I have seen a psychiatrist who dx me with a "mood disorder". Im fine with that. I have a tendency to be very analytical, a perfectionist with a dash of OCD. This, I believe, developed during my time as a single parent where there was no room for error. Soon I began drinking. This I found was the only thing that would slow down that merry go round that exists in my head. I met my spouse at work. We were together for 6 years before we were married. 6 loooong years that I had alot of opportunities to end the relationship. I kick myself now for thinking that things would change. It was great in the beginning. It really tackled that thing called loneliness. Soon I began to notice how lazy he was and figured it was all in the way he was raised but since he was 7 years younger then myself, perhaps he could learn the "right way" through me, lol. Well that certainly didnt work and here I am 13 year later finally realizing I'm not totally to blame. I could sit here and paint a horrific picture of my husband but in all honesty, Im tired of even thinking about it. Some days I dont even want to be married anymore because I am so tired of all of the crap. He deliberately does everything opposite to what/how I say, so much so I have no desire to attempt communication at all, not to mention I feel I have to dumb-down. I dont bother asking him to do anything because its always half ass and the end result is me correcting whatever it is. No matter what I say or do, I am wrong, my opinions are worthless. He doesnt stand beside me in anything I do, more like against me. We have been married for 7 years and he refuses to acknowledge our wedding anniversary but will scream from the top of the roof the day he asked me to be his "girlfriend"which has a 6 day difference from the date we actually said "I do" His idea was to get married on that day, which happens to be my eldest sons birthday. I was no way going to give him that day to rip from my son. So now I pay for it (emotionally) every year. This year I didnt realize it was my anniversary until that actual day! and I was on facebook, saw the date and thought, ok this day looks familiar. Whats significant and I swear it dawned on me about 10 min later that it was in fact my anniversary :( He came home and since he has been making great strides to change his behavior, I hoped and hoped for him to say it. I could have said it but why would I? for the past 6 years when I did, I was reminded that it WASNT in fact my anniversary and that our anniversary was NEXT week. Notice I keep saying MY anniversary because seriously it isnt HIS.

We got married in Vegas. I had 2 weeks to plan a very important day. We had talked about getting married for a long time but thats as far as it went. One day he was discussing the length of our relationship with some women in the office and apparently they told him that they were surprised I was still with him 6 years without a "paper commitment" so thats when he decided that he wanted to get married. At the time I was a bit upset that after all our talks of marriage he decided NOW after talking with the girls at the office.....anyhow, I wanted this to be a day to remember. I searched for a dress. nothing to fancy something simple. He actually questioned why I needed a dress! im actually shaking just thinking about it. Long story short it was both of our first time in Vegas. We both had sets of family members there and quite often I couldnt find him. He much rather sit at tables and gamble with his brother. A quick senario is I would be standing there with him and turn to talk to my sister and *poof* like that hes gone without letting me know WHERE/WHICH way he was going. He was like a kid in a candy store. On our drive home he had already taken off his wedding ring. He never wore it until recently......

I have slowly lost myself in these last 13 years....things that I would never accept I find myself accepting, making excuses for everything. I feel like nothing consequential ever happens to him because Im constantly making sure it doesnt. He wont make a decision for the life of him. Wont go anywhere alone. Lies to no end and when he is caught says he was joking. He sees how far he can get with you and if you dont say anything he WILL NOT tell you he was joking. It almost like he does it to make you wrong or look stupid in his eyes so he is the one laughing at you for even believing him. (hard to explain) with that said, God forbid if YOU DONT TAKE HIM SERIOUS or kill the damn joke with a true response before he can execute it. Which leads me to my drinking. I blame no one for my drinking but myself. It sure did make life with him easier. Like I said while I was a singe mom I had no room for error, I pretty much play out a situation before it even happens by thought ( i mean doesnt everyone?) and thats pretty much how it would go, most of the time I was right, simple common sense, and sometimes I wasnt right but would learn from the situation. He doesnt think that way. All of my anger and frustration would eventually come out when I drank. Not really good but damn it felt good to "stand up for myself" and know Im no fool. My marriage was not good at all. and in 2006 we were on the brink of divorce. I decided maybe it was my drinking and decided to quit. I have been 5 years sober now, Im at the end of my rope with him. Im surprised I lasted this long and am just looking for a way out. I cant continue to walk on egg shells. Cant continue to bite my tongue. I have been so short with him lately and Im not a mean person. Very passive actually. Try to never get myself in situations where I may have to be mean. Like most here I have tried to compromise everything under the sun to find a mutual happy medium. I feel like im being unfair to him with my thoughts of wanting to leave or divorce. I dont believe I could ever tell him that I suspect he has add/adhd. nothing is ever his fault and he will break stuff to prove it. Funny how he's perfect and nothing is his fault YET this is what he tells me that I think I am! He says, "you think your perfect and that the world revolves around you and everything is about you but its not." If I mention anything about the way I feel he is sure to say, why is it always about you? Thats why I dont tell him anything anymore.... gosh I dont even think I exist anymore :(

Just want to mention the hell I have been through for the past 6 weeks with him. I just gave birth to *our* 3rd child, recovering from my 3rd c-section, he is verbally rushing the nurse to get my discharge papers together. I seriously wanted to stay longer. I have a 3 and a 2 year old at home plus 2 teens. gimme a break. so we leave, come home, he invites everyone and his dog over. His vacation starts the day I deliver. Supposedly he takes time off to help me recover from the section. It seriously is harder when he is here. He swears all these things he is gonna get done around the house. Hires my 19 year old son to paint our 2 story, 3k ft house ALONE with 10 gallons of paint and a roller. No joke.....The 2nd day my son was here I saw all the paint on my patio and windows i wanted to die. I began painting myself. YUP 2 weeks post partum im on a ladder painting my house. Then he finally began painting too when his uncle said lets help her. He was staying busy because his uncle was here and that kept him on task. I seriously thought I fell in love with him again. The honeymoon ended when his uncle was done and my husband began playing black ops all day. watching futureama and married with children on netflix. So its the entire series for both sit coms. While im breastfeeding, cooking, cleaning, and caring for 2 toddlers, getting kids registered, school shopping making dr appts ATTENDING dr  appts (you gett he picture) I began hearing pigeon coo's throughout my house, first he states he doesnt hear what im hearing (his lie) so then i wait until the kids get home from school and ask them in front of him, of course they hear it too. So apparently while painting the 2nd story he removed the grid to prevent the birds from flying in there and making a coup and never put it back up. n i c e. I reminded him that he need to put the grid back up there that the birds crapping up there bringing their food ect was not healthy for the babies. 1 week goes by, 2nd week, i give him another reminder.....3rd week i still hear them and i just want to cry. I dont remind him often to do things. I shouldnt have to. my teens were saying oooh the sound of the birds is scarey, shh you can hear them ect....and he still didnt budge....so i "ignore" it too and soon thought wait i havent heard the birds????so i asked him did you fix it? he said no i havent got to it yet. now the analytical me says "yes he did, i dont hear them anymore, he's trying to make me wrong again" and i still have no idea whether or not it is fixed but i dont hear any birds.....

Anyone have any pointers as to how I can bring it to his attention to get him evaluated for add/adhd? I dont even know what I want. not sure I love him enough, anymore, to continue with the misery. I think I have been detaching myself from him for the past 5 years and for that I feel sorry for him. Thats really whats keeping me here.

edited to add: I have seen the same therapist for the past 5 years in which I of course have described my husbands behavior and scenarios re my husband. She said to me she cant dx him but from what I say he sounds really adhd with narcissist tendencies. I kinda knew the narcissist but the adhd was new to me. I find his behavior in alot of these posts here in the message board....so he is undiagnosed.

I am so sorry for all that

I am so sorry for all that you have endured. It sounds like evil should be in the list too. Someone who finds pleasure in demeaning and teasing and crushing spirits is seriously equal to that of a bully. We all have yelled and done things in despair that we are not proud of, however, we all have used our power for good to try and change or to stop it. You didn't say your situation as if you could leave, or could have him leave, who is working, etc. It's so easy to say get out, but only you know deep down what he is capable of and what you are willing to accept and endure. You'll know your limit when you find your self preparing to make the move. He doesn't seem like the kind to leave if you asked him to anyway.... Hopefully you have family around you that could help protect you and your children if it ever came to happen. Melissa's book is a good place to start. Probably that co-dependent book (co-dependent no more)(?) that sherri mentions could help you gather much needed strength and self worth. Congratulations on your new baby, the amount of lovin that new baby will give will be just as the doctor ordered. I only hope you have a chance to enjoy it. Keep reading! Stay strong! ...... Adhd is more impulsive and thoughtless than cruel, some of the things you have described sound intentional and downright abusive!

Thanks for responding pjloops

Thanks for responding pjloops :) unfortunately he is the bread winner. I have worked in the past. My last position I worked for the county. I loved my job. This was a time when our marriage was REALLY in trouble. And not just because of him. there was a number of things that were occurring. I took a vacation from my role in the household. I think I was having a silent nervous breakdown (if one even exists) and I didnt realize it until they turned off my electricity for an unpaid bill (actually 3 months past due) I couldnt think anymore and gave up all "control" long story short I totally spaced the utilities for those 3 months. Working, going to school, trying to maintain a household with a teen falling into the drug scene.

My husband worked alot and has worked in the same company for 12 years. Its a position my step dad got for him. in an effort to not destroy his image(with my family) he has kept it and remained employed there. he says he is the better son in law out of the other 3 and doesnt want to seem like a chump to my parents. I have shared things with my family out of frustration on top of things they have seen for themselves so they know who he is. Its hard to hear all the praise and how lucky I am, Anyhow, he started as a grunt and through the years he was promoted to different positions in the company and in 2006 he became a supervisor. Part I'm sure was about job performance but mainly because of seniority. The turn around rate for that company was/is high. He can substitute for all positions in that company. Of course along with the promotions came higher pay. In 2006 he bought a 35k truck for his sister and her husband despite my earlier warnings re her and her motives for calling him everyday. He just called me while I was at work and said it. I "co-signed" for a truck for them, the sister is a master manipulator and truth was he completely bought the truck the note was in his name alone, payment tickets his name only, ect..... I asked him if he even considered consulting with me first??? it didnt dawn on him that I needed to be consulted so he just did it. forget that we were talking about moving and buying another house. <grin> At that time i was aprox 2 months sober. I questioned how he could co sign just like that and call me right AFTER to let me know??? why tell me at all? I went on to say that I had been sober for 2 months and alot of things im noticing Its getting real hard for me to deal with. He responded with, "i didnt tell you to stop drinking why dont you get yourself a 12 pack after work?" then proceeded to say " matter of fact why dont you just quit your job and I'll pay your salary, I just want you to be home" like a dumbass I quit and when the economy tanked in 2009 so did his 6 figure income and my "salary" was the first "luxury" to be cut. He is the bread winner.

Reading more about the adhd/add in adults I have to say I go through moments of being understanding to moments of anger and frustration. He began a weight loss regimen. and I was so proud of him for sticking to it. He lost a considerable amount of weight and seemed so much more well behaved. He was doing a low carb/no sugar diet plus taking omega 3's. Like a different person. For the past 6 weeks he fell off his diet. Last night he told me today he is going to start his diet again since he goes back to work. I had to ask....did you stop the omega 3's as well? and he answered yes. I need to find a way to let him know what I suspect without him turning it back around on me. Im not a see I told ya so kind of person. Definaltey not an expert on adhd/add. Since it was brought to my attention I have watched him. I became conditioned as what to "expect" from him over the years. he's so predictable. Never thought about it more then that.

This weekend we took the kids to the fair. He was having a bummer of a time, as usual. He's alot of a killjoy. <him> 5.00 for parking!?! I wonder if they will take a 100.00, you know what they WILL take this 100.00. <get to the parking gate> sorry sir, we dont take 100.00. he hands the lady a 10.00 (really?) <at the gate to get in> he asks me how many do i buy? I said well there is 5 adults, so 5. He gets to the window says 4 adults and one 12 year old (my daughter is 14) <in the fair> we goto the ticket booth to get the kids bracelets, hes upset that they cost 30.00. I sent the older kids to go ride rides. I held my 2 month old the ENTIRE time. I walked with her in my arms, sometimes left to push the stroller along with keeping eye on the bag that contained the cameras and $$$. My 2 year old is hyper active (most likely adhd) so we had him on one of them leashes. My husband was frustrated about 10 min in already wanting to leave because of my sons behavior. We were in the kiddy area. letting them experience with all the neat things they had avail. Quite boring for my husband. To not ruin the other kids time by leaving, I kept redirecting my husband. Soon my 2 year old fell asleep and I could see uber anger on my husbands face. the old me would have said "ok lets go" I didnt give in though. I did try to think of ways to make his time spent there better. So I made it about him. I told him to go play games and he got sooo happy. first game he paid 10$ with a guarentee prize win. 2nd game again, guarenteed prize win. 3rd game he wasnt so lucky. He paid 20 bucks for 12 darts to throw at balloons. I was standing back so I couldnt really hear the rules.I seen him throwing the darts and hitting balloons, the carnival guy counting as he is hitting. My husband missed one, the guy hands him another dart my husband grabs it excitedly and throws it *pop* goes another balloon,  the guy hands him another he grabs *pop* and then another*pop* I hear the guy say ok here's a 5 $ dart you hit it and your at 2 prizes (handing my husband another dart) my husband actually stopped and said wait what am i at right now? remember he already gave the guy 20.00. he said you owe me 10.00. my husband said ok so what do i get? the guy said a small prize and a large prize. my husband looked at me like "rescue me please" I didnt say anything. So we walked away. it was time to go now. he wanted the other kids to leave as well. it was 7 pm and i said no they are 16 and 14 they are staying, park closes at 10. So we left and he came home jumped on his video game and kids call me at 8:30 saying the park closes at 9, so off i go to get them.

He sat on his bum all day Sunday. First thing I get up, I say tomorrow is trash day. He doesnt even respond because he is playing his game. I do my daily routine of cleaning and watching the kids. By afternoon, i say it again he says "ok" I continue with my day and by evening I notice the trash cans STILL are not taken out, so I say it again. Bottom line the cans didnt get taken out and both are full, trash runs 1 time a week and this isnt the first time for this to happen. What upsets me is that it's one simple task and I could do it. Sometimes I decide to do it myself only then he comes running when Im on the 2nd trash can half way down the drive to place it on the curb. <sigh> which I will respond (pissed off) no just let me finish taking it out! causing me to sound bitter. I get even more upset when he tries to act like nothing is wrong by trying to initiate conversation after the fact where he wouldnt in any other circumstance. I have tried to make it my habit to take the trash out but periodically I will go outside and its already at the curb. I feel waste of my time and thoughts. If he is going to do it then he needs to do it all the time. So now I sit here thinking of someway to rid of at least one full trashcan  so we can manage throughout the week. I already know he will call his dad to come take them both to the dump for a small fee of 60.00 again saving his ass and allowing him to not feel shame.

Today he is finally back at work :) he took off 2 weeks for his vacation time he accumulated and 4 weeks FMLA. My house is calm at the moment despite having 2 toddlers and a 2 month old. I feel like I can breath.