New here, and desperate.


I am married to someone who might have ADD, but has never been diagnosed (to my knowledge).  His mother passed away and I suspect that there may have been some psychological assessments early in my husband's life (based on things my mother in law said), but my husband doesn't know what his diagnoses were.  In the meantime, he is not very keen on getting tested for anything and we cannot afford counseling.  I've looked for counseling on a sliding scale in my area, but we cannot make the hours work and my husband doesn't want to go anyway.  

I've read some of the posts on here when I've had time to lurk, and so many folks are describing my husband's behaviors.  6 years into this marriage, though, and I'm about to lose my mind.  I've gone from being a loving, fun to be around person, to someone who is ornery and angry nearly all the time.  I feel like my husband is a gaping black hole of needs.  We met rather late in life and about 2 years into the marriage, I figured out that I could never have kids with him.  I simply couldn't take care of him and children.  Now it's too late.   I know that a lot of the stuff that goes on is not his fault, but still, I cannot stop myself from being angry and from flying off the handle all the time.  Little, dumb stuff will set me off just as much as the big, not-dumb stuff.  It's depressing as all get out.  I know it's awful for him and I feel bad for him, too.  It's just that I feel pecked to absolute death by his needs 24/7.  He tries, but I'm starting to think that he just is what he is and nothing is ever going to get any better.  In the meantime, I have my own problems.  My job is extremely demanding and not all that well-paid.  Well, it sort of pays well, but who would know since all of the money I make goes to support our household of 8 pets, me, and my husband who is chronically unemployed or underemployed.  I would change jobs to something more stable and less demanding, but long story short, due to identity theft, very few employers would consider hiring me.  I'm currently self employed and have been for 14 years.  Self-employment has it's own demands, though, all of which the self-employed person is responsible for. 

In addition to whatever psychological stuff that may be at work with my husband - he was an only child - sort of a miracle baby - to the nicest most patient school-teacher parents (older) that I've ever known and so he was not raised with any expectations or even any irritation with him and his issues.  He was just indulged and coddled and generally looked after.  He tricked me into thinking he was a responsible person with steady, decent employment and savings, who looked after a home and himself, but of course, all of that has been proved a lie - his parents provided everything or his first wife.  I do not think he deceived me on purpose - I think he genuinely believes he is those things.  Consequently, when job hunting and at new jobs, he thinks he's better than the stuff he can be hired for and rarely lasts anywhere.  He thinks he should be employed in an office-type position wearing suits and stuff to work, but he has no skills in this arena.  He usually ends up working in a warehouse or some such.  It's very degrading for him, but he has no qualifications that would enable him to get an office job.  Nor does he have the aptitude.  He simply cannot learn new stuff.  He's 45, anyway, so time is running out on that stuff.

So, we're broke, we're troubled, and I'm exhausted from trying to hold it all together.  I never get down time, I live in ways I do not wish - tired, messy, overrun with animals, pecked to death with questions and the need for attention, the need for assistance, instructions to be given, lists to be given, constant fighting about all the things that didn't get done, need to be done, will never be done.  Battling his need to hoard stuff and his failure to even recognize the basics about me needing space and quiet and peace and cleanliness.  It's awful.  

But he's sweet and funny and kind and I love him.  I just don't know if I can stay with him.  

What the heck do I do if I can't afford to get us into counseling?  Can you point me to some reading materials or relevant threads or anything?  In my fantasies, we would separate for a little while.  I would clean the house and put some order to it and get a break from him, then we could start over.  But he would be absolutely crushed, and I'll be honest, I'm not sure he would be entirely faithful.  He hasn't cheated on me, because he afraid of what I would do (leave him, etc), but I think he would do so if he knew he wouldn't be caught.

Thank you for reading.