I am from England so I hope it's ok for me to post here. Please help if you can. I did join an aspergers spouse's site but my husband is convinced he has ADHD and reading some of the posts on here, I think he may have. Are these 'symptom' you can all relate to and say for sure that he has ADHD.? Is sometimes so quiet and moody that I am scared to speak to him Sits on his computer 24/7 and even when we have guests (which isn't often) Is unable to look after our grandchildren properly, is easily distracted and dosn't seem to see that they are only small and cannot baby sit themselves. Is socially inept, and says that he spends hours thinking about what he will say to people in social situations and tries to work out what theyt will say to him. His mind is whirring away all the time and will only go to bed when he is convinced he will sleep straight away Is lazy and always puttings things off Unable to hold down a job for very long before he either takes time off or says something he shouldn't say and loses his job Blurts out inappropraite things to people and I can see them visibly wincing Has no friends, (but luckily I do) Refuses to support me in my hobby of singing. He will come along to a show and then dislike all the other people in it and the music. So I join something else and he does the same thing Has to put an alarm on his phone because he forgets what time it is if he has to be somewhere Seems to want the excitement of befriending women on line and also enjoys porn Has no empathy for other people I could go on. This all makes him sound awful, but when we first met he was sweet and attentive and nowadays he sometimes likes to arrange a surprise for me. He is generous to a fault and if I want something he goies out of his way to make sure I have it. He dosn't go out anywhere without me and is very good when things happen ,such as when I lost a job some time ago,he was very supportive. I just need to know that other people recognise their other halves in this, and that he does in fact have ADHD. Thanks for reading.
New here and I would like some help please?
Submitted by oldgoose on 08/07/2016.
Hi! And welcome!
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
Hi! And welcome!
So I read your post, and there certainly does sound like some simalarities with my soon to be ex-H. He too would rather spend all day looking at his computer or phone, and has zero support for me in pretty much anything. Oh he will *say* it all day long, but when it comes to anything other than talking about it - forget it. He has rarely showed any interest in anything I enjoy or care about, in fact - once the hyper focus was over, he has had no interest in me either. I dont know how long you guys have been together, and I dont know where your heart is at this point in the marriage, but for me - I have had enough of it. My H refuses to get treatment or do anything to mitigate his symptoms. He is negative beyond belief.
Has your husband been willing to get any treatment? If you guys suspect the ADHD, I would recommend finding a therapist who understands and maybe even specializes in ADD/ADHD, and I would also recommend reading Melissa's book and follow the advice in it. DO the work and see what helps and what doesnt. Perhaps medication would help him break some of the cycles? It sounds like you guys are in a bit of a rut, but it does seem that there is some flicker of concern on his part when he realizes whats going on? You will also need to establish boundries on what you find as acceptable treatment and stick to it. My own personal mistake was continuing the relationship when the boundries I set were broken over and over.
I hope you find some help, and I hope you find some relief here- you are NOT alone by a long shot!! There are many of us here, in different stages of being in our own relationships from just starting down this road, and even jumping off to a better path (like me). Maybe you can get your husband to read some of the posts here to try and get him to understand the other side of the coin?
I hope things work out for you, and that you find some true happiness!
Thankyou
Submitted by oldgoose on
Thankyou SpaceyStacey197, it is nice to be able to communicate with some one. Sadly, ADHD is not a recognised condition in the health area we live in. Ridiculous I know, but help is available for children only.
Husband does not talk about his condition very much, he is resigned to the fact that he is how is and that's that. I do try to converse with him about it but he clams up, saying that there is nothing to be done, and sadly it does seem that way. He would take medication I think, but as for talking about it - forget it. He would rather stick his head in the sand and ignore the whole thing.
We have been together for 17 years now, quite a long time, and have so many ups and downs. I don't think his kids realise his condition, (it's 2nd time around for us both) they are adults and to them, he is just 'Dad'. I often wonder if I should bring it up, but then I think it isn't really my place to do so, although I have always got along really well with his daughter.
My family just think he's a strange person and my friends avoid him if they can because he acts as if he dosn't like them.
But I DO love him, and want to be with him. I have tried not to love him, but I don't like being away from him and we do have nice times when we go out together sometimes, but sometimes it can be horrendous. I try to make allowances for his condition but it's difficult isn't it?
By the way he would never read the posts on here and be objective. NONE of it would apply to him, he would say he didn't care. He would not be interested.
I do understand how you feel.
Submitted by SpaceyStacey197... on
I do understand how you feel. It wasn't really until about 2 months ago that I realized I could no longer go on. Up until that point I probably would have done anything for him because I love him so much. I still do, but the painful realization I have come to is that he doesn't return that love. If I were gone when He woke up tomorrow his life would not change. Oh he would have to find work, but that would be an inconvenience. I have finally accepted that he will not miss me, because he doesn't even know me. He never bothered. He would get mad if I a said this to him, but he would not be able to truthfully deny it. He knows as much about me as he does some of his friends, not like a husband should know his wife. If I were to leave and just supply him with income, he would probably be just fine with that. If I were to die today, I have very real doubts that he would have any real emotion about it at all. Al of this, I have come to grips with finally. And it lit a fire inside of me with a rage like I have never experienced. I have figured out that while I love him and see amazing things in him and had dreams of a future with him, I have been nothing but a means to what ever thing he wanted at the time. His life will go on, and he will just go right back to playing his games, and would put me aside and never think of me again. He point blank told me that the first time we separated he completely blanked out. Didn't come out of his room, spent the whole time gaming, and didn't think of me at all.
Once i I realized this and accepted it, I knew that no amount of love for him on my part would give me the life that i wanted. I would never have that relationship and that marriage I though I was getting. So I am turning all that love into rage, and letting it fuel my transformation. I am letting that rage turn back into love for myself, because I am worth it. I am worth so much more than the pathetic crumbs of affection that he has dolled out to me. I am worth more than the endless excuses on why he is broken and the bullshit about how he is trying.... Weak. All of it.
And I am strong, stronger than I ever realized. I deserve more and will never again settle for anything less. I hope that he comes around, because you don't deserve less either. You deserve someone who is interested I how they affect you with their words and actions. If he isn't, then he doesn't care. Simply put.