New here and need advice

I don't know if there is deeper trouble in my marriage or if there's something I'm not seeing because of my ADD. I'm a wife and stay at home mom to a 3.5 year old son, take Adderall daily for several years, have many of the usual issues: high intelligence coupled with low achievement, trying really hard yet not always managing. I developed a number of coping skills beginning in childhood that allow me to be quite competent, and I've worked hard at managing my emotions, although I've never been the dramatic type. I used to give in much more often to impulsive behavior, meds and motherhood have really helped with that, as well as maturity. Overall, I think I'm okay most of the time, but could do better. I'm working on it though so I usually feel okay.

Not feeling okay about my marriage though! After reading some of the forums on here I see that I am a rarity in that I take care of everything for our house and family. My husband is a very involved and loving father who does the majority of the childcare when he's home so that's not a problem at all, and he does sometimes help out with cooking and dishes. I have no problem with being the primary housekeeper as I'm the one at home all day and I have higher standards anyway! The problem is that my husband feels like having another child. To me, it seems like he doesn't care about any of the "adult" things. I take care of all bill paying, account managing (retirement, etc.), insurances, taxes, have to make a will yet and get other things set up for our son, dealing with realtor (selling old home) and banks (looking to buy soon in new community, or at least I am!), and the list goes on and on. It's not so much that I make calls or fill out paperwork, it's that I have NO input from him. He's living as if he were a teenager in his parents' home. I know I enable him by doing all this, but with my son's welfare at stake I will get it done. My son isn't suffering, but our marriage is.

My husband knows I have ADD, I've told him how hard these things are for me, I've brought him books to read, suggested sites to view (to my knowledge he read a couple chapters of one book). I've asked that he check up on me to make sure things are done and initiate tasks, especially ones that involve partners like making a will and getting a trust set up for our son. I've asked that he literally give me assignments to help me manage my time better! I feel as though I am shortchanging everyone because I don't have enough time to get everything done. There's lots of things I want to do with my life, but I can't get to because I feel such immense pressure. My husband has an excellent, very responsible job. I just can't believe he could be like this at work and still have a job so I don't know what to think. He makes an excellent salary as well, with full benefits, so it's not as if the lack of money is causing him to avoid these family business issues. Do other wives handle all these things without a problem and I have such a hard time because I haven't fully dealt with my ADD?

I think I sound whiny and ungrateful, but I feel alone and sad without a partner. I don't expect him to solve my ADD problems, but am I asking the wrong thing or too much?

New here and need advice

I am new too, i have the same husband as yours, only he is adhd. My friend said today that that is the way men are. I am tired of being the mom, i didnt sign up for it and i am not happy. I already have two small children and his immaturity is killing me. I posted out of frustration too. You sound way better than me. I am not so organized and i do it all here too. Mine is very helpful when he can around the house, but he doesnt listen to me or hear me. He doesnt speak in coherent sentences. He thinks everytime i disagree with anything i am being disrespectful! Well, i am not some 1950s houswife that was trained to be all about her "man"! Been married 14 years and i feel i have always had to be the one to "let it go" because of the adhd. I wish i had some magic words to share.

I completely understand

I am new to this site as well.  I am a male 30 y/o who was diagnosed last year with ADHD.  My partner,  who is twenty years older than me, has a lot of health problems.  So, I had to take on a lot of the adult responsibilities.  I also decided to go back to school so that I could get a degree and get a better paying job than a low-paying retail job.  This put a lot of strain on our relationship, and I nearly walked away several times from it.  The last year alone, I worked a part and full time job plus went to school full-time in the fall and part-time in the spring to finish my degree.  I also had to help clean the house, cook, and do laundry.  It was the year from hell. 

I am coming to realize that there are two issues involved here for my partner and I.  First, typical ADHD, I took on too much and thrived professionally, but at the cost of my relationship.  Two, as much as I realized my partner did not understand how I thought, I just started to know see that I did not understand him.  He tried to channel my quirks into positive modes, but I resisted him until I had the motivation not to resist.  In particular, he understood that he needed to give me tasks, but I never realized that was what he was doing until I read a post about splitting up household tasks. (Here, I am talking about mundane tasks that we agreed upon, like ripping a new cd to mp3.  He'd rip it and I would tag it and rename the files.)  I felt like such an idiot for not seeing it and resisting his suggestions.  At the same time, I still wish he would do some things, like help pay the bills.  We pay most of them online; so, it is something he could do since I am not home most of the time and he is.  This has been a very hurtful couple of years for us, and we have now just begun the steps to heal, I think.  I'm sure we'll find our balance point.

What I think you are doing is asking the wrong thing.  These things need to get done.  Are you probably over-prioritizing a little?  Maybe.  But you feel overwhelmed, and that's the point.  Unfortunately, I am not sure what the right thing to ask is.  I am still trying to figure that out for myself in my relationship.