New here. Confused, broken down, hopeless.

My ADD husband has made me start questioning myself and my own needs - his rebuttals are often off topic or specific to one tiny literal detail of a conversation. I am going in circles in my head - am I making this all up, overreacting, crazy?  Do I need to continue to be accused of an affair (which is a ridiculous notion) every time I make plans with friends?  The only time I do anything social (he refuses) or for myself?!?  Do I need to constantly nag him?  Do I need to drop everything to help him find his wallet or phone for the 5th time this week?  Do I need to explain how he can be a million miles away when he is sitting 5 inches from me?  Do I need to continue explaining how pricing up on social cues is his responsibility and its not mine to itemize all the things he could do to help out?  Our conversations/arguments get us nowhere - there is grey but he sees only black and white. My family and even his have expressed concern for me and our two young kids.  I have no steam left. Hanging by a thread and feeling shattered. He wants to go off mess and says I am the one with the issues. He actually just asked if I was still in love with him....I don't think I am anymore.  I don't know what to do anymore. He sends me text after text and email after email- won't talk face to face. Starting counseling next week but I think it's too late. Just want my kids to make it through this - I am tough but they might not be...

carathrace's picture

we hear you

I am sorry, mcb, it sounds like you are really angry and frustrated and fed up.  We hear you.  We have been/are in varying degrees where you are and know how hard it is.  The symptoms of untreated -- I used that word because it sounds like all he's doing is taking meds? no ADHD counseling or coaching? -- the symptoms of untreated ADHD do make you question your own sanity.  If he goes off meds, it will only get worse.

Starting counseling next week -- this sounds hopeful.  Is it someone who "gets" ADHD?  Have you done much reading about ADHD?  The symptoms you list are all very common.  It might help if you saw that in print from experts in the field.  You could start with Melissa's book, "The ADHD Effect on Marriage".  You will read about yourself in that book.  There are others in your same position who were also hanging by a thread, and they've been able to build it back up again. 

You have to get yourself back again.  I bet you don't like who you are these days -- many of us say the same.  The arguing and the nagging, those aren't you, but you're being sorely tested.

I WANT PEACE OF MIND

I want my life back. Help!  I have a daughter and grand-daughter who is 17 now. The PAIN is more than I can bare.  Is anybody Listening?

My daughter, was in a 6 year relationship with a person with severe ADHD and addiction to drugs.  Thank God she is no longer in that relationship.

The Granddaughter who has ADHD moved out.  There was verbal and physical abuse to my daughter and Granddaughter.  Nobody sees what happens behind closed doors.

The wife and children and THE ABUSE  is not acceptable.  Will he go and seek out medical and professional help is the question?  

Peace

LH, I'm very sorry to hear the the anguish in your posts. I strongly suggest you find a counselor to help you deal we these tremendous stressors. I'm sure your daughter and granddaughter could use one as well. It takes time to recover from the trauma of abuse. Unfortunately you can only control your own behavior and try to be empathetic, while not enabling. It's a challenging line to walk. Peace can be found but it comes from internal resources. 

IO's picture

You're probably not crazy...

But I know how you feel - not only do I question myself, but my ADHD husband questions my sanity as well. I have been to therapy (before we knew about the ADHD, but the therapist said I was fine) on anti-anxiety medication myself (didn't really do anything and my internist ALSO thinks I am fine) and actually was seeking a psychiatrist last week. I couldn't actually find one, so I will be going back to my therapist, hopefully this week, to see if he can evaluate me, refer me or what.

The accusations you are dealing with are terrible - at least that doesn't happen to me (although, much to my chagrin, I have felt suspicious of my husband a time or two.)

No, you don't need to nag him all the time, and in fact, every thing says you shouldn't. I have found that nagging doesn't work. I *do* find my husband's wallet or phone for him, if need be, as I usually find it in a few seconds (less time than it would take me to tell him to find it himself), and what I found easiest was to put a table with a bowl by the door. You drop your wallet and keys in it when you get home, you pick 'em back up before you leave. Problem solved.
You can explain how he is a million miles away while only 5" from you, but the only thing that can change that - from what I understand, as we haven't found it yet - is the proper medication/combo/dosage. You probably can't do much about the picking up on social cues either, although again, medication is supposed to help.
Itemizing all the things he could do to help out - Sometimes making a list is just easier than arguing about it. We use post-it notes on the cupboards, so that I can move them around to change their priority.

At least he is communicating in some fashion, even if not face to face, and sounds like he still loves YOU, which is important. If you haven't tried counseling yet, give it a shot. I'd love to get us into counseling together, but my husband wants to do our own therapy/counseling/whatever.

As someone else mentioned, get yourself some books on ADHD - there are several available for the non-ADHD spouse. Amazon is a great resource for that. I go through and highlight stuff, make notes, etc. Just yesterday, I handed my husband one and suggested that he read the things I've highlighted. I also plan to take them with me as a reference with my therapist.

Good luck.