I need advice please, or just an ear from those of you who love your adhd spouse, but for your own sanity and possibility of a peaceful life, have decided to leave. After 12 years of being together, and about 7 years of me researching and focusing on adhd and the roll it plays (the BIG ROLE) and sharing with my husband (he is diagnosed Add and Odd, as is his son) I can't take it anymore. His symptoms are absolutely textbook. Thankfully he does not have the violent rages, he is generally a good and sweet man. Everyone loves Mike (but don't see how he treas me in private) But he does ignore me to no end, hyper focus on projects (think of the crazed inventor type spending hours in his man dungeon, only to come out to eat food you have prepared, maybe watch a video about his project and then retreat back to the cave for more hobby fun). He forgets and forgets and forgets, and most often does not do what he says, even promises, he will do. No sex and the few times it happens, I am not satisfied. He is, and then is done. He's absolutely defensive if I mention being unhappy about something in the least bit. Deflects and says everything is my fault and how I am being unreasonable if I get hurt when "it was not intention to hurt me". ALL THOSE THINGS, TEXTBOOK. I am calm, not a nagger, not a screamer and speak with logic.... and that does not even work. Sometimes I think that the only way to get him to pay attention would to become a screamer, but I don't want to become that person. It is not in my nature. I am a helper and an empath. I will not become an angry, raged person just to get someone else to pay me some attention or do a small chore. I do have a tendency to pout and ignore him right back after weeks of reaching out to him to no avail. I digress.... "Doing my own thing" and focusing on me does not work to have him pay any more attention to me, it has just furthered us living life separately, even though we are married. I love what I do for me, but I also am in a marriage and would like a partnership. I don't want to be married with the experts telling me that I should just basically live like I am single. That baffles me to no end! I do rescue, have a lot of friends, lots of stuff to do, exercise, take care of our 7 animals in the household. (I did have a full time executive job that I quit in January because the owner was violating Federal Labor laws and has poor ethics. I could no longer help him run his company. It was against my morals, so I quit after 2 1/2 years of being the major and steady breadwinner) I have lots of things to keep me busy while he is in his shop for 16 hours a day tinkering with his new machines (that do not provide my income, if any, by the way. If he makes any money with his 3D printer or self built CNC machine, he puts what little he earned right back into "improving" those machines. His money is his money, my money went mainly towards the household) FAST FORWARD.... For years I have told him that I feel taken for granted. I believe that 85% of the problem is that it is his adhd symptoms that he is denying. He takes medication, but does not do any of the other steps things to help us out. No exercise, he drinks every night, he saw a therapist for a very short time (we lost our medical benefits when I quit my job) but stopped when we lost insurance. He goes back into just doing his thing ALL DAY LONG, while I am taking care of most of the household.
I decided that I want to separate and told him. He broke down. Had a mini meltdown. Hyperventilating. Drinking all night and then starting back up at 8am to deal with his pain. He is SO SO SO SO SORRY for all that he has done (Ive heard this before) . He is still in our house, we are friends and I am not going to be mean or cruel, but I do know that I need to move on in order to maybe ever have a rewarding relationship, or even just peace by being by myself instead of feeling utterly lonely with my husband with me in the house. I am not going to kick him out in the middle of Covid, but I did have to take my decision head on after he was extremely rude and disrespectful lat week... it was my last straw. ANYWAY... NOW HE IS ALL OVER ME! He wants to cook me breakfast, he wants to spend the day together, he wants to tickle my back while we watch a movie (one of my favorite things) he wants to come out and do circuit exercise with me! (WHAT?!?!?!? I'VE BEEN ASKING HIM FOR MONTHS TO WORK OUT WITH ME. NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE NOPE... HE WOULD NOT DO IT.) Now that I have reached my breaking point. THe breaking point that I, for years, have told him I was going to hit. NOW he is being the hyperfocusing partner again. Have any of you who left dealt with this too? I know I have to leave for my sanity. I won't ask him to try to find another place in the middle of Covid lockdown.. but this is literally a MIND "F" for me. I am afraid that if I continue to try to talk to him about my decision, he is going to dive to the bottom of the whiskey bottle again, have another breakdown and more suicidal thoughts. My heart hurts. For me and for him.