Hi. I've been reading this forum for awhile. Finally decided to register and submit a post. Like many others it seems, I am at my wit's end. Please forgive what follows.
My husband has ADHD and takes medication, but I don't think it is working. Or maybe it is and he would be even worse without it. I don't know. He also self medicates with alcohol and other substances, which is intolerable for me. I think at this point, I just want a divorce because nothing else is working. He has been out of work for a year and a half. He is educated, with a graduate degree from an Ivy League university -- so I know he can focus when he wants to do so. He is "dabbling" at looking for a job. Occasionally he comes up with a crazy idea that he is going to run a business -- of course, there is no actual business idea to speak off -- or worse, to run the business remotely from some foreign country. I don't even know how to respond to that.
He has a hobby that is very expensive and will use a credit card that he got in his own name to buy things for that. I've since destroyed the credit card and moved most of our money into an account that he does not have access to -- I hate doing this because it feels so controlling but my salary is just enough to cover the mortgage and other bills, and I'm just trying to prevent financial ruin and ensure there are funds to pay bills. He has created absolute chaos in our lives with this hobby by acquiring many things related to it and having many unfinished projects hanging over us. I have tried to help him multiple times to get these projects done -- paying people to assist and helping myself as well -- but nothing seems to work. He is burying us.
Things exploded last night when once again my frustration with the situation became too much for me to handle. I have started to feel ill from the situation with many stress-related ailments. He blames me for everything that is wrong in his life and says he has no support, which is not true at all. I have suggested so many things over the years -- including an ADHD coach, other therapy, trying to reduce the amount of projects, etc. I have taken many weekends to sort through his papers and things to organize them. I have set up systems to try and help. I've bought open shelves and labeled things so he can easily find and put things away. No matter what I do, it always reverts to complete chaos.
We have been married for many years and the lawyer that I consulted thinks I will have to take care of him financially until he is 65. I am really struggling with that because I don't see how it is possible for me to pay for two households when my salary alone barely covers one. I honestly don't know how I will be able to live. I am so tired of taking care of a 50 plus year old child.
I feel very stuck and hopeless. I do still love him, but I hate being married to him. My anger, frustration and resentment is eating me alive. We no longer have any physical relationship because I cannot force myself to do something I hate. He makes snide comments about this from time to time and it makes me feel guilty and sad.
I'm not sure if there is a point to this post. Just looking for some support I guess.
No magic bullet
Submitted by Seamuis on
Have you read Melissa's book or enrolled in her 8 week class? We started our journey early this year and the progress is painfully slow. My wife has ADHD, but is oblivious to the impacts of her attentional style. Your husband maybe as well and your parenting him (Parent/Child) will not help. You cannot control him, you can only control yourself and your reactions. If you're committed to working this out I'd recommend Melissa's book and 8 session course to both of you. Both were eye opening to me. You are not alone!
-Seamuis
Thank you Seamuis. I
Submitted by sp2017 on
Thank you Seamuis. I appreciate your reply. I wasn't aware that there was a class. I will look into that and pick up the book as well. I know what I'm doing isn't helpful -- it wasn't always this way, but it has evolved over time as the chaos -- and financial impacts -- have gotten worse and worse. I don't know if I am committed to working it out at this point. I am very tired. I have given him so many chances. Things get better for awhile and then de-volve again. It's exhausting. It's very helpful to know that I'm not alone. Thank you again.
Melissa talks in the book and
Submitted by Seamuis on
Melissa talks in the book and course about 'hyperfocus.' those with ADHD can be hyperfocused for periods of time. Those of us without escalate and escalate until those with ADHD feel that they need to work on something and they do, why? None of what they do is malicious, they do not see it. They are essentially blind to the affects of their attentional style. They hyperfocus for long enough that the relationship enters a mirage that everything is on tract, but the ADHD has not been addressed. The hyperfocus is exhausting for the ADHD spouse and only may be maintained for so long. Thus we end up in this emotional roller coaster, and not unlike a sugar high the crash I often find puts me in a lower place.
Wife with ADHD
Submitted by To be continued on
This is my first post. There is nothing like venting the frustration felt keeping everything held together. I am stubborn I guess or rather used to the dynamic for the 17+yrs and 5 children later. The non-ADHD spouse needs no introduction, has little to gain from accolades and has mastered the art of the behind the scenes world. There are few people I have met who can lay claim to this much underappreciated role. You have my most heart-felt esteem!
You are actually doing the right thing...
Submitted by c ur self on
A few thoughts based on your post....
Your husband is refusing to step up to his responsibilities as an adult, and husband....And you are trying to force him to be one by withholding your affections....two wrongs....I know it's hard to respect him and desire him, but it's two wrongs non the less....
You are doing the right thing by not allowing him access to your finance's since he isn't being responsible....When a husband educated or not, tells his wife who works and lives responsibly, that she isn't supporting him, when he doesn't work, and lives in a dream world concerning the daily responsibilities of a husband, that screams victim, and guilt trip attempts.....
I suggest you just laugh at that, (never allow a grown adult male to play on your emotions, you pity laziness, you lose) and try to see through it as the immaturity it is....Never feel bad about doing the right things to manage your life responsibly...No matter what he does....
It is difficult to live in a situation where you aren't supported....And if there is one person in your marriage that isn't supported, it's not him!
Try to give him his space, and try to just be the example you know you should be....Things that will destroy you emotionally is wanting to fix him, trying to control him....Allow him to pursue his path, BUT, never finance it....Let him fall flat on his face or he may never SEE himself....He really needs accountability partners. Males!
When we accept what is in front of us, we can have peace and focus on what we should be doing....Victim's (male or female) who want to be carried in life, will really act up when the mothering and enabling stops. (But it's by far the best medicine for them) If they have been surviving without working for a living...Someone isn't doing them or the relationship any favors.....
Thanks for your reply. I
Submitted by sp2017 on
Thanks for your reply. I think you have some good ideas about how to survive in this situation. The problem is, I don't want to just survive. I want a life that is happy. I am losing hope for it to be different and am starting to feel like I need to do something i.e., divorce. As for withholding my affections, I am not doing that to try to force him to do anything. I just don't want to be with him. It's really that simple.
What I want isn't an option for me...I vowed a life time Vow....
Submitted by c ur self on
I'm sorry it has come to that place for you... I hope the best for you...You cannot be held responsible for his debt, unless you live in a community property state; (Arizona, California, Idaho, Louisiana, Nevada, New Mexico, Texas, Washington, and Wisconsin.) Of course creditors will try to make you think you are, but by law you are not....
I understand to a great degree where you have come to....A few months back I just finally said to my W.... If you aren't happy here, and if you are so offended by your role as my wife...Please leave!....I like you, see no reason in the world why two people in love shouldn't be very content and happy in the marriage relationship...(mutually doing the work)
She got quiet and a little angry (for a couple of weeks) about me saying that....But, after 9 years of screwed up priorities, I had finally come to the realization that no matter how much I hate divorce....I'm not continuing to try and coexist in the same house w/ out a loving and contented wife...Who shows by her daily actions and attitudes that she is content and all in as my wife....
I've been patiently waiting for years....I was done....To her credit, she has taken on a much more positive and peaceful attitude...She has been more at peace and more approachable....I just thank the Lord for it... When selfishness dies out to thankfulness...Then our eyes can be opened to the beauty of what marriage was meant to be.....
Wishing you much peace and wisdom in your decisions....
C
Some ideas
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
I hear what you are saying, and relate to it, as well. Your description of how you have fallen slowly, over time, into your new role that you don't like puts voice to something that a lot of people experience. Non-ADHD partners don't start out controlling...they slowly become so.
You have done the right thing on the financial front - yoiu must protect your (mutual) ability to survive financially and were smart to do it. Realize that your separating the finances won't stop him from taking out another credit card and running up your debt, so keep one eye open for purchases that seem outside of the scope of what money he has access to. I've seen folks use all sorts of tactics to get around fnancial restrictions - often as an act of defiance, it often seems ("You're not the boss of me!")
I would STRONGLY recommend that you and your husband register for my upcoming live couples seminar, which starts in a few weeks. You have nothing to lose (and if you don't like it, I offer a 100% money back guarantee up to the third session - so you won't even lose $$) but I think you have a lot ot potentially gain. Your husband is in denial about the impact of his ADHD on your relationship, but YOU can't teach him this as by now he's likely very resistant to that sort of message from him (he will tell you that it is your anger that is the issue...and your anger does play a role, too, but it's not the only issue!) In any event, the course is very good at laying out the issues and getting you going in a new direction. Another plus - during the course you both get to ask me all of your questions...
If you think he might be open to it, there is also a free e-book on the home page about optimizing ADHD treatment that lays out how to treat ADHD in adults. It's not just about meds. In fact, about 20% of adults don't find meds they can use effectively, either due to side effects or lack of efficacy. Your husband might be one of those folks, though statistically, it's more likely that he can get symptom relief but isn't pursuing treatment in the optimal way. (And may not be dedicated to it, either.)
The job loss thing is so hard. Many adults with ADHD suffer from low self-esteem, even if they have an Ivy background and are smart. Some describe it as feeling like a fraud who will get discovered. Some just fear (more) rejection. Job searches are particularly tough because they require both good organizational skills, good planning, and then the ability to put oneself out there and get rejected a lot. Really hard for everyone, and particularly hard for those with ADHD. Plus, your husband's dreams of self-employment (very common with ADHD adults as many feel confined by the structures of corporate America) and his big hobby are probably getting in the way. Adults with ADHD live in a 'now/not now' sort of way - which translates much of the time into 'what feels good now.' And what feels good now is dreaming; hobby; not getting rejected. So combine this will poor planning and follow through and it's not a big wonder that he's still unemployed...and seemingly doing little to change that.
If he could fully acknowledge his ADHD, he might overcome that by getting a job search buddy of some sort to keep him on task (someone at his alma mater, for example, or a friend or even hired coach.) But first, he has to wish to tackle the ADHD...which brings me back to that seminar...
I'll keep tabs on this post for a bit - please write me questions if you wish and I will try to get to them.
Thank you, Melissa. I will
Submitted by sp2017 on
Thank you, Melissa. I will look into the seminar. I think it might be a good thing to do, regardless of the outcome of our marriage. I love him and I want him to be happy as well, even if we aren't together. I just know that I cannot live this way any longer.
I like your spirit
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
I like your approach - I love him, but cannot put up with these behaviors for myself - and your wanting the best for him. That is a good starting place for making healthy progress - no matter what direction that takes you in. (Beats "I hate the guy, but can't figure out what to do.") I remember a period of time when I was so miserable and feeling so trapped that I sometimes fantacized that perhaps my husband would get hit by a bus or something so we could just all mourn and move on with our lives. I didn't really want him to be hit by a bus - that would have been awful! - but I felt paralyzed and hopeless. I hope that learning about the ADHD Effect will be as helpful for you as it has been for me (or even partially so). It's a long way from that desperation to the happiness I live today. You cannot do it on your own, for sure...your husband must own his ADHD and manage it better (for example, engagine 'differently' with his job search impediments and learning how to pay enough attention to you that you feel loved) but a path in which you can stay together is not impossible. It's not the only path - and I wish for you that path that will make you most happy - but it may be more of an opportunity than you currently believe.
SMD..... I'm envious
Submitted by kellyj on
When I read what you said..... that you love your husband and only want good things for him, I am mediately choked up and it brought tears to my eyes. How I wish I could say the same thing which in my case is just simply not true.
A visit to my therapist a couple days ago which normally gives me renewed hope and optimism for the future, only made things worse and I've gone downhill from there.
Although my perception right now is certainly being challenged, the truth is not always easy to hear and sometimes it can be completely devastating... and I am suffering from that devastation at the current moment and not finding many ropes to grab the pull myself out of the depression that I am experiencing. In some ways it's worse than I've ever experienced before but because of what I know and what I believe.... and the facts simply do not lie. The more I found out about the secrets that were being kept from me, the worse it gets and the lower I sink and knowing what I know and what has been told to me. I've been basically played for the fool..... and then tossed in the garbage when the timing was right for all the people involved. What Melissa just said about times fantasizing about her husband getting run over by a bus so she could move on with her life, on a cognitive level I understand what she saying. But as I was discussing this with my therapist, and again, with him taking the opposing Devil's Advocate stance that says " but..... you have ADHD, and you know what that means" ... and yes, I do know what that means, and that right there is the problem that there is no solution for really. I cannot with good conscience knowing what I know .... and thinking about the future ( my future ) and ever even consider being with anyone ever again knowing what I know. Knowing that the harm and the hurt that I caused, even without intention and without malice.... has left me knowing I could never do that to anyone again. That may sound like victim language but as I stressed to my therapist..... this time was different. This time, I tried and I gave 110%.... unlike any other relationship I've ever had in my entire life...... knowing everything that I knew going in and doing as much as I could or as I was able to to try and correct the issues and the problems that arise due to my ADHD and nothing else. That's what became so apparent to me in such clear and easy to see contrast..... in comparison to everything else about myself that is as normal and healthy as any other anyone else. It was the symptoms that were the problem..... and the symptoms became something to be hated... but as I explained to my therapist after giving me kind of the standard party line at times like this...." would you believe me and I hear you I hear what you're saying you're saying but you have ADHD you don't know all the ways that and all the things that you do that cause other people pain and to suffer....so what. You know you do these things.... you know why someone would not want to be with you, you know all of this..... sounds like to me you're still trying to find some way to make it so it's not your fault or finding some way not to take the full responsibility that you know is yours. What are you angry about? What is at the heart of your anger and what is making you so upset?"
And I knew exactly what it was, and most of that comes right back to me as I said it in my own words...." would you believe me since you're not there you don't see what's goes on behind closed doors and what's actually happening at home. You haven't seen what I've done and what I've not done all you've heard was the opposing side which lines up perfectly with what anyone else would say. But would you believe me if I said but not this time..... this time was different. This time I dedicated myself to the relationship by working directly on my ADHD symptoms, including and not For a Moment overlooking, the time and attention that I paid to D...... silently many times, not looking for validation, or for a means to say that everything's fine and I don't need to keep trying once the storm is blown over..... this time that didn't happen and I was fully aware of what was happening all the time and the changes that I saw taking place that were outside of my control that had to do with her response and how she dealt with it and in the way she dealt with it more to the point.
And to the point, she hates me with the deepest passion All Things Considered. When those feelings and that attitude gets expressed consistently over a long period of time..... there is no question as to how that person feels towards you... and love is not included in those emotions. On the receiving end of it all you get is hatred and contempt..... or at least that's what I got.... and it only got worse right to the end. And the reason for that is clear, her love was going somewhere else and what I got left was hatred and that's all I got because that was real that was not a figment of my imagination... and now that's what I'm left with on top of everything else.
When someone hates you, they can do anything to you and it doesn't matter what they do to you.... you as a person or disposable. Something that has no use for you and no value to you whatsoever. As an object or a thing, if you lost it damaged it or it was stolen.... it is of no consequence to you, in fact if you hate it that much and it just makes you sick to look at it..... while in the meantime you've got something brand new and shiny waiting for you who is supplying you with everything you need, then what would you say the worth of that item would be? Next to nothing if not less than that?
What made me angry and what I'm most angry about...... is first my failure and not being able to stop it and seemingly nothing I did could make a difference. That right there is where this could go into a victim approach very quickly..... but as I'm saying this it's not my first time at the Rodeo, and I have to say there is something in common with this experience that I cannot say only applies to this one Springs this right back to square one .. as my therapist was pointing out to me.
It's one thing where you can look back and realize how many ways you screwed up and how many different ways that you can improve and do things better.... and then there's knowing all of this ahead of time and giving it your best shot and doing your best and having nothing left to give and your best isn't good enough.
This is the concept that I can't turn my head away from at this time. Not this time because this time I gave it everything I had and dug down deep and gave it some more. The end result for the effort was hatred and contempt...... lying cheating deception..... and then being thrown away I never wanting to speak or hear from that person ever again..... which is clearly the case, and was reiterated by my therapist in his own words.
Whatever you do and whatever you choose to do...... heed what I'm saying, and make sure your husband knows how you feel exactly what you said which is why I'm envious. It's simply the difference between having no hope for the future and feeling horribly obligated and a sense of responsibility to never do that to anyone again as long as I live. Like I said this time was different..... and this time I know all the reasons why and there's no way to look away from it.... I just don't feel like I deserve to be hated for it that's all. It invalidated all the effort and work that I put in and basically said it's garbage it's it's worthless and as you have no value to me I hate you.... I found someone better, I was just biding my time until all the people involved could get their act together.
As I've come to know more actually a lot more then even the last time I was here... I still could be right about my one scenario and who that person might be...... but the deception ran deeper than I thought and I finally made the last great discovery. It pretty much sealed the coffin on any speculations as to anything otherwise....
That last day...... when suddenly everything I had been said before no longer seem to apply..... and D came over in the middle of the week to make sure I would do her brakes. It seems really important right now right then that the brakes needed to be done, they've been going bad for months I was just doing it as a favor to her to save her some money. The person in question is an old boyfriend.... he use many different phone numbers.... some belonging to dead people which is highly suspicious to me. Having said that...... it was his birthday, and yes D had somewhere to go, she had to drive a distance and I know where it was since she had described it to me in the past when talking about him as a past boyfriend not as somebody who is still in the picture as a possibility. I will follow through we're getting all the information back that I needed cuz it will tell me just how far back it went. I walked into my office saying the entire time without interruption....... keeping her options open and always keeping someone on the line just in case. 1000 unexplained answers...... came explained in a matter of minutes once I pieced it all together. Mighty warned me not to speculate too much and fill into many of the blanks which is what people do. I told him that I'm trying not to do that but the facts are remarkably undeniably clear.....1250 text messages tell a pretty convincing story even if you don't know what was said it doesn't take a great imagination to add enough into it to give you to tell you everything you need to know?
His tag that there was a time when it changed and it goes back years now so it's been going on for years in some form or another I had already been replaced so nothing I did really matter when you got something fun and exciting and new and different to look forward to...... only to come home to the thing that you hate most, right after seeing talking to and enjoying the people or person that you love which is not the one you live with.
I guess what I'm saying to you..... is it part of me doesn't want to believe what I just said, but that doesn't make what true different..... what-you-see-is-what-you-get, even if it's not what you really feel if you're neglecting to let that other person know. You will never regret being kind and considering this, no matter what you end up doing.
Yesterday, I wrote to Dee and gave her a real apology stating that I'm sorry for hurting her without making excuses or making it about me. And I was also honest with her and saying that I was doing that not only for her but for myself in that I cannot let go of the anger if I cannot forgive her. It was in part what my therapist was attempting to get me to see..... that I have been wasting my effort and wasting my love and investing in nothing...... with only hatred and contempt for my efforts as a means to show for it. That does become personal..... knowing that I tried my best. That invalidates me as a human being not. "I hate is ADHD and the problems it causes for me"....... and instead, "I HATE YOU"...... now hurry up and get my brakes done it's my boyfriend's birthday he's waiting for me goodbye I never want to see you again, unless I can get something out of you or take advantage of you in the process that's your only worth to me and since you can't do what I need I have no use for you whatsoever.
The only thing comforting my therapist had to say about this was..... that was the ultimate disrespect..... and I have to agree with him because that's exactly what it feels like...... disrespect to me as a human being on all levels after all said and done. If you really love him make sure he knows it because he quite possibly might assume from what he sees the exact same thing as I see, at face value with nothing else to go on and only phone records left to tell the story. After all that and all the effort I have never felt so hated in my life as I do right now hate and contempt and callous disregard. If that's not what you want or how you feel make sure he knows it because he won't get that from you unless you say it to him. There's no way he could know on the receiving end of a scenario that I just described. What-you-see-is-what-you-get and if that's all you know then that's all there is.
J
Hello kellyj. I got a little
Submitted by sp2017 on
Hello kellyj. I got a little lost in your email, but I wanted to reply because you seem to be in a bad way. I'm so sorry for that. Truly. If I understood correctly, you are the spouse of an ADHD person, who has been keeping secrets and betraying you. I am not by any means an expert here, but I think there is likely a difference between ADHD behaviors and keeping secrets and betraying you. Maybe some ADHD people do bad things as a result of ADHD, but my husband has not. So while it is easy for me to be frustrated and depressed at the status quo in our relationship and feeling like I no longer want to be married, I can also say that I want the best for him. He knows that I love him and I do believe he is trying. It may not be enough. That's just how it is sometimes. If I've misunderstood your situation, I apologize. I just wanted you to know you are not alone in your pain. Perhaps others more experienced will have more to offer.
I'm Sorry.... that must have been confusing
Submitted by kellyj on
I'm actally the one with ADHD even though I suspect not being a trained professional that there is some kind of disorder going on possibly ADHD or Asperger's with with D..... but really more than anything with her is the insecure attachment that has to do with her childhood and her family growing up and all that went with it. It's the insecure attachment or the inability to bond.... and as soon as the person isn't who she thought they were..." as I imagined "..... she used to say.... quoting from Eckhart Tolle here...." you don't belong in my dream and what I imagine this would be like.... who are you you're a stranger you don't belong in my dream. "
She even said those words..." I fight I feel like you're a stranger " ..... which no one is actually ever said to me before that was weird? What do you mean I'm a stranger? Actually it's what I just said or paraphrase Eckhart Tolle in saying the exact same thing with her it just came out as " it's not what I imagined you're a stranger"
That was all good and fine when she was quote unquote. "in love"... but that was the teenage puppy love..crush.. you might say. Nothing you can do can go wrong in that stage but that stage wears off and then what?
What you're talking about is true love... not superficial teenage idealistic love ...the kind that wears off and never returns after the beginning of a relationship.
For some I guess that's all there is... once that wears off it's time to find somebody else the give you back what is gone since that kind of love is just a feeling that is temporary and changes for everybody. Nobody stays in that ideal state of in love forever.... normally, that changes to something more permanent unless temporary as long as you form an attachment and the bond is created.
For someone who needs to have that to feel connected..... that makes for an impossible expectation that no one can fulfill. That's really what I see and feel that happened..... what I didn't expect was what did happen but that's because I trusted, had faith and commitment.... and with compassion and a great deal of sadness I feel that is something that D never got so she has no idea what that is and that's the saddest thing of all for both of us because we both lose in that case it's not just one or the other especially since I was offering it to the best of my ability but that's not what she wanted or needed.... honestly, for her well-being and her happiness, I get a true sense that this ex-boyfriend at the time she dismissed as not being the right person for her...... from all that I did hear and she did report back she's he sounded very very much like her and marry in many ways. And the one thing that she complained about... was he was more exacting, anal retentive, and even more of a perfectionist than she is. Her complaints of him resounded remarkably similar to my complaints of her. It sounded like he was a neat Freak Plus..... and she was the one having a hard time with his demanding ways..... right down to the labels on everything .... every drawer, container and even his underwear......Okay, I just made the last part about the underwear up but it wouldn't surprise me from what I heard he was from by all accounts... a perfectionist in the same way she was and in that much they might be perfect for one another and he may be the perfect person that she let get away and then changed her mind when she saw the alternative which was me. Again, that might sound like victim language but it's actually the truth and actually what she said. It was what made her not want to be with him because she was the one who couldn't keep up and the dynamic shifted the other way now which in retrospect..... given the choice I certainly can understand why she would choose it, looking back in hindsight but that's not it... there's much more to it than that.
On the last day when last time I saw her.... she was again in her way letting me know in all the ways I failed her.... and the one that really hit me the hardest and was almost more than I could take.... was when she said " you have no friends "...... which was really really ironic I made me really angry at the time.
I have a number of friends that I've known since I was in grade school... I don't see them often or spend a lot of time with them.... but the second I do and the second we get together it's like no time has ever been between us. These are friendships that have stood the test of time over decades.... these people know me better than anyone and all that goes with me and they're still my friend to this day I have no fears of ever that ever changing..... because it doesn't.... that is who I consider "a friend". And I have them but D spent no time with them, and in part for a reason.... I didn't want for us to get together with them, because I would be embarrassed if she put me down and treated me as she does in front of my friends because they would take me aside and immediately say "why would you let her talk to you like that and treat you that way what's wrong with you".... that's exactly what they would say I don't even need to ask because I'd say the same thing to them if I saw what I saw. That's what friends do.... I didn't want to be put in a position where I would have to put D down, and make excuses for her. I would have been embarrassed and put on the spot that's why we didn't spend time with my friends... why she thinks I don't have any. I wasn't going to subject my friends to that and involve them in problem that did not belong in our friendship whatsoever. It's why I have them.... because our friendship is more important, then bringing the dirty laundry and airing it out in front of them and making them feel uncomfortable at the same time.
When d.... first moved to town to be with me from another town, she came here without any friends and she was very lonely at first. I encouraged her to make friends and go out and spend time with them.... in fact, I was very supportive of her when she told me she had created a "group"... of girlfriends from work the only problem..... all of them are single except for one who I have mentioned before who has ADHD and is married to a man that I've become friends with.... but yet he is the husband of her best friend.... so I'm still just the friend of the friend.... as I am with all of "her friends"... the ones that she created the group and started seeing regularly. Little did I know.... that what she was doing was creating event About Me session, including the fact that I now found that the one woman who I suspect has a thing for d....... has some kind of connection with her past boyfriend that she was seeing at the same time. Both of them purchased a home on the same street only four houses away from each other...... a remarkable coincidence... that appeared to coincide at remarkably the same time...... since her friend deals with housing for disabled adults or adults with idd.... and that is what her friend does for a living. Real estate.... and finding housing .... is all this woman does. The fact that her boyfriend works in a complementary field in healthcare.... would certainly lead you to believe that their paths have crossed before and I believe by just seeing what I see it's far too coincidental for that to happen in a big city.... and these two people only live for houses away from each other on the same street. I believe he's been here remodeling getting ready to move in.... and has been here off and on for the last year or two.... which is why he did not have to travel to meet him. They had the opportunity a private location and all the time in the day to make that happen whenever he was here and I believe he was here quite often I just never heard about it.
Sulfur d, to say I have no friends.... what she really means is...... my friends are not your friends.... which is absolutely true. They're just friends of a friend.... and everything they know about me came from one person. They don't know anything about me other than what she said.
That's what pissed me off more than anything..... yes she's right they are not my friends nor do they have my best interest in mind I'm sure of that.... no doubt whatsoever in my mind.... so as far as she's concerned she's right.... she made sure of that by doing what she did.
It's why I do not trust them.... they aren't or never were my friends .... and that holds potential for disaster for me if I don't watch my back and keep myself safe and protected.
It's also why I said I'm envious, only in that I didn't have what you have and what's your husband has which sounds to me like a lot of love between the two of you. Sorry for the confusion I could see why that is.
J
J,, thinking about you
Submitted by Chevron on
You're a good man, and you are after it.
Melissa is speaking from depth of ADHD counseling experience. I know you know this fact and the facts of what she wrote with your head; hope you accept with your heart what she said about D's decisions and persistence in doing things not being proof of your failure.
It will likely be a while before you want to consider risking your heart again in a close relation...
But consider this: the next person won't be D. You'll also be in a different spot in your life.
Thinking about you,
Chevron (one of the 143,000, and because of it pretty busy offline. But I do hope you're taking kind care of you. You're a good man.)
"Hang on there, pardner..."
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
You have ADHD. Your partner has been cheating on you with an X boyfriend for quite some time. She's still cheating on you. You tried hard in your relationship to make it excellent. You conclude that this means that you should never, ever have another relationship.
Okay, I get that it SUCKS BIG TIME to realize that your partner is having an affair. Been there, done that. And that it is tempting to blame oneself for the affair. However, I would like to point out that it was your PARTNER'S choice to have the affair vs., say, suggesting that the two of you get marital couseling. Or even that you get separated, which would have at least left your dignity intact (instead of feeling used). But, no, your partner decided to have an affair. This does NOT make you unlovable. It makes your PARTNER a person who has made a destructive and poor choice.
I would like to point out that if ADHD weren't in the picture at all, the rest of these events (partner taking up with an ex in spite of being married to someone who is trying their best to be a good partner) aren't all that uncommon. In fact, very common. And in my mind, the equation doesn't change. Your partner had options. She chose one that hurt your relationship and you.
People ask me regularly whether or not those with ADHD should get into serious romantic relationships. After all, the logic goes, many will struggle. Yep. But many won't. And part of what does and doesn't work has to do with whom you choose to be with. In this case, you chose to be with a woman who thought it was okay to start an affair with her ex. Healthy relationships with ADHD involve some of these things:
I know nothing of your reslationship, but I suggest you stop blaming yourself and, instead, focus on this question - WHAT DO I DO NOW? Your partner is out and about, says she's not interested in you...yep, that's depressing, for sure. So grieve a bit, talk with your therapist...then pull yourself up by your bootstraps and figure out how you can make your next chapter in yoru life wonderful - with or without your wife.
A side perception....An Iteresting Conversation
Submitted by kellyj on
I needed to get out and do some errands, and one of them was to make contact with someone who I felt had been a friend. I had considered that he might be in a compromised position being that he is the husband of one of these closest friends... I'm considering that I did not want to put him in a compromised position whatsoever, I did not want to automatically assume his feelings for him I went to find out for myself. I had a load of clothes of these that I thought she might she certainly could use and I do not want her things nor do I nor do I want to be responsible for them only in that.... as mighty recommended that if she is not make contact to get her things will put in the effort towards doing so that I should get her things out of the house or whatever I can so I am not a target for anyone that might think that they've be doing her a favor by coming and breaking and entering in order to get her things from her. I mentioned that amongst the research and looking up and trying to find people find out exactly what happened..... one of the main characters involved had been arrested for forcible entry into a premise that she used to occupy which I'm assuming to get things of hers that were locked there probably due to lack of payment on rent by the landlord. A situation not so unlike the current one even though I'm not trying to keep her things from her nor do I want them really. I get no no payoff or Payback in any way by keeping her from her things. I did tell Mikey however that I'm spent and I've got nothing left to give if she wants or things she's welcome to come get him but she'll have to come get them I'm not going to take them to her I'm done putting any effort towards doing things for her besides she has other people to do that for her now my job is done.
When I was in with my T the other day he went back in his notes back to see possibly when D had made her decision..... and a couple years ago his notes read " I'm unhappy because he won't change..... his job is to build me up."
I remember distinctly one that was I even remember coming here in writing about how that that wasn't my job and yes she did say it that way to me.
As I see...... other people have that job now my job is done clearly. And I told my friend this as well as everything else that I had said just filling him in with what I know and an effort to be at front and not to be sneaking around and being out in out in front about what I'm doing without contacting d aside from the apology.
What he said and what his perspective was was an interesting one..... especially because he had confided that they had considered taking D in...... until something happened just the other night that caused him a change of heart. He said he and his wife had died over for pizza and beers and wine and D started disrespecting..... talking over him, dismissing him and talking down to him. What you said he responded by getting in her face and yelling at her and basically putting your putting her in her place. Apparently this caused to to immediately become upset start crying and he said he left and went upstairs to go to bed leaving his wife and Dee downstairs to now discuss this this conflict that suddenly came out of nowhere. I told him, that this was what I wanted an apology for. And that what he experienced was just a taste that was a daily occurrence with me.
What's interesting to note is that he picked up on the same exact things I did which was nice to know I wasn't alone...... and the bottom line was something was said by D in an offhand remark, that maybe I should be a lesbian because I get along with women so much better than I do with men...... and that right there was the most telling thing that I think I've ever heard her say even though I didn't hear it from her directly. My response was yes it only has to do with men women can say these things to her and can tell her the exact same thing and she listens intently and carefully and responds with consideration acknowledgement and even validation. But only if women say it..... if a man were just say the exact same words just as my friend experienced......as D said it to him in the moment, "I have PTSD" in acknowledge at least that she has a problem with it. I never heard her say that but at least she's considering it.
But the end result as her husband told me that he never wants to see her again that she almost ruined his marriage in the course of one evening and one time previous he said he would never live with her no way that's completely off the table.
Only with men is she like this women can say or do anything around her and All Is Forgiven instantly no problem.
I also further explained that I had no hard evidence or anything to support my feelings.... but I believe that D quite possibly is a closet lesbian in denial of her true feelings that she's keeps silently to herself. It is a possibility I think based on everything that I know and saw and felt from her.
Yes she only has this problem with men not with women in fact I told my friend that on several occasions do used to say "I don't ever have this problem with my friends only with you"...... and and my friend finished my sentence before I could do it myself and said " well yeah but all your friends are women you don't have any men friends"..... and that right there was nice to hear that it wasn't just me.
It was also nice to hear
Him say. " oh God these clothes aren't wrapped in a bag now I'm going to have to do that too." He was already getting it and D doesn't even live there, which he make sure to tell me that his marriage was more important then I fully understood. He's the wrong gender, they would never get along and being that his wife has ADHD as he said said this "I love my wife ....she's the only person, the hat I would put up with that kind of crap from .....not anyone else off the street and certainly not D."
I thought that comment was fitting to post here and include into thread based on all the things that have been mentioned because it was very validating to me as well.... as I reiterated to him if she wants her stuff she can come get it that was the last load or delivery that I'm going to make and I was just letting him know why so to communicate that I'm not playing games trying to manipulate anyone or trying to manipulate anyone's emotions all I want is closure and the truth and I got it or at least close enough to call it good and put my story to rest. I did have to have some kind of story that I could at least make sense at it I can't necessarily say it's a story I can live with or I made it to my liking but if it's the truth I can accept it as long as it makes sense and it does make sense and fits into this picture perfectly even if the details aren't exactly right it really doesn't matter at this point... the truth is all that I ever asked for or wanted and that's what I got I just had to get it on my own it would have been nicer to hear it from her but that wasn't in the cards. As I said to both my tea and my friend......" all the little lies are just there to cover up the one big one it's just one big lie spread out over a long period of time..... and a pervasive way of living dishonestly that just becomes a pattern and a way of life. It really is only one lie..... but it's so big it has to be chopped up into little pieces and delivered one piece at a time or a long period of time but it's all the same thing . Once you discover what the big lie is everything starts to make sense after that . And that is all I wanted which is what I told my T as well. 90%....of all the fights that we got into, had to do with the big lie, because the little lies we're starting to trip over each other and she couldn't keep track of them all. Without understanding this, I was actually calling her out on her lies and total Fabrications which is why none of it made sense and why she didn't have an answer....." I don't want to talk about it"..... takes on an entirely different meaning once you know what the big lie is.
J
J
kellyj, been there too.
Submitted by dedelight4 on
Hey, J. I just wanted to write and tell you how sorry I am that you've been hurt so deeply from your wife's infidelity. No one deserves this sort of betrayal, and yet, it is so common now. And also, too often, those who decide to cheat refuse to look at how much destruction their choices can cause. It seems like avoidance of self reflection and a seeking for self gratification has sadly become a more prevalent "choice" for so many folks today.
I know you've been working SO hard on your relationship and on yourself. I admire you for this, and pray you continue on your life's journey with a renewed hope. I too, like you didn't feel like I could or SHOULD be in any kind of relationship, because so many things have been turned upside down in my heart and mind. And, I too, felt terribly foolish after finding out the truth about my husbands affair. And those feelings are normal I've been told, and will change.
Melissa said to let yourself grieve,and that's true. It takes some time, and there are still days where I get "triggered" by something that brings those feelings back. But it IS better.
She also said to focus more on "What do I do now"? which is good thing for me also. There is a better day ahead my Friend, and I'm praying for you today. Hugs to you.
Dede
Melissa, Chevron, Dede..... I'm Overwhelmed
Submitted by kellyj on
from your support and well wishes... it really means a lot to me and I appreciate it very much. I should include C here too because he's been there with some really good advice as well as well as anyone else who has taking taking the time to reach out and offer their thoughts whatever they may be.... just a different perspective is all you really need sometimes especially right now when I really need it the most.
I woke up the other morning and I realized..... the past is gone and it doesn't really matter anyway. Not the details or what really happened which I may never know and probably will not so there's no sense in beating a dead horse there..... you cannot force another person to speak and share their thoughts with you absolutely refuses to whatever their reasons are. Nothing I can do about that... but there is something I can do about the way I feel I'm letting go of the hurt and the anger is the first thing on the agenda in my mind.... it is part of the grieving process.
And as I thought about it, I realize none of this would be happening ... and I wouldn't be searching for answers or trying to figure things out, if the one and only person who has those answers would actually talk to me and communicate.
Here I am trying to do the right thing, and the Very person I'm trying to do the right thing by refuses to let me... and that's when I realized (again..DeJa Vou ..lol ) what's new? Nothing. LOL
No matter what I do, I going two be wrong.... I will always be the bad guy .... with someone who can only sees what's wrong first in everything, it is who she is and it is what she does.... nothing new Under the Sun there either ... it's just par for the course.... and that includes me no exception to the rule.... her rules not mine that's not who I am.
And since my T can't tell me everything he knows if things have been said within the confidential clause of a therapist.... I have learned to read between the lines between what he can say and what he can't. And when his answers to me include the words...."Conflict Avoidant", and "Self-Righteous"... if I didn't understand that before I do now.
There is no changing a mind that operates in that way... and I I quickly recalled something that day said to me not that long ago when I asked her what others have complained about her as far as being in a relationship with her. and straight from the horse's mouth she said " that I'm difficult to buy gifts for.... or to gibe anything to in general."
For a person like this they will find something wrong with a perfect day that no one could ask for more... no one except the person like this...they have a talent for finding whatever is wrong with anything first before anything else... I'm trying to get them to see it differently, is like trying to break solid Granite blocks with a sledgehammer... you get nowhere fast Always. LOL. It is who she is and there's nothing I can do to change that. Resolution is not what she wants... what she wants is not to be the bad guy. When you're a victim there has to be a villain..... and I guess tag, I'm it. At least for now who knows what will happen in the future?
I do very much, appreciate all the support right now as well as the entire time I've been here on this forum. I cannot express my gratitude enough... for all I have learned here.
All I can say as far as I'm concerned right now at this moment....." I'll let you know when the horse is dead "..... and that time hasn't come yet for what it's worth ;)
Thank you
J