Hi, I recently stumbled onto this site when I was searching the internet once (again) for help on what could be wrong in my marriage. What really spoke to me on this blog was the list of symptoms that occur in your marriage when one partner has ADD. I have known for the past 19+ years that something wasn't right but couldn't figure out what. I just don't know what to do and I need someone to talk to.
My husband can be sweet, kind and caring...sometimes. The other times he is blaming, angry, bitter. In the past during fights he has screamed at me that I better go get a lawyer. I never know which husband I will get. The other day he called me out of the blue to thank me everything that I do, and went on about how I am amazing and I do things that he is not even aware of. Less than 24 hours later he was angry with me and telling me that my best is not good enough and that I don't try hard enough.
He owns his own business and now I work there too, plus we have 4 children. I am highly educated and used to have my own successful career, but once the children came I was unable to maintain the level of committment needed to continue, plus have a babies and basically be left on my own (he refused to drive the baby to the sitter's when we both worked and I would routinely come home to an empty dark house after picking up my baby from care after putting in a 10 hour day.) His only focus is working & paying the bills, and for I am grateful that he provides for us. But there is a cost, because by default I am responsible for everything else: raising the children, managing the household, all the cleaning, driving the kids around, helping kids w/homework & school, grocery shopping, cooking, everything else, etc. Plus on top of all this I am expected to contribute at work. There is no way I could go out and get another job because I have no help or support at home.
I feel I am at the mercy of his whims, or whatever his focus happens to be. If his focus is bills then I get an earful about how I have mismanaged our money. If it is work then I am held accountable for not measuring up. If he feels social then I must scramble and find a babysitter or make plans with other couples at the last moment because he is in a good mood and would like to go out. I never know what is coming next and I feel like I am constantly walking on eggshells. One day he will tell me I deserve a day at the spa, the next day if I take the kids to the pool he makes remarks like how it is nice that I have such a "life of leisure."
After spending some time on this blog and reading Melissa's book I am wondering if he may have some ADD and if that could be contributing to our issues. However, it will not be possible to discuss any of this with him. It is impossible to talk to him because in doing so I will trigger his anger. In past whenever I have tried o set personal boundaries and it has caused great turmoil in our relationship at my expense. Most things are twisted around and made to be my fault. If I have an opinion or a thought he acts threatened. As long as I do everything he wants all is well. But I am human so I can't do everything, and then he I must endure his anger. However it is confusing because he is usually absent and totally leaves me alone to fend for myself most of the time. A normal conversation is impossible with him and we have been fighting about the same things with no resolution for over 19 years. Everything gets turned around so that it is either my fault, or I am wrong for thinking something is an issue. I can not go to him and say "Honey something is troubling me can we talk about it" or "I need x in our relationship can you do this for me." He will either tell me I am wrong to be troubled in the first place, call me a psycho for worrying about it or fight with me about it or sometimes all 3. I feel he lectures me, lashes out and punishes me at every turn. I am so confused, exhausted, bewildered and lonely most of the time I don't know what to do or where to turn. The loneliness is the hardest part.
Thanks for reading.