Spouse of ADHD partner, looking for community in navigating this. Help!
Husband formally diagnosed 3 years ago, medicated, but no therapy/counseling, sadly I may likely know way more about ADHD and its effects at this point, as I've read a ton, and actually been going to a counselor who specializes in ADHD to help me understand what I'm dealing with, and validate that its not just me losing my mind!
Can I ask, how do non-ADHD partners cope with a partner who has seemingly no self awareness of the effects and repercussions of their behaviours, and justifies all actions or lack of with 'its just the way I feel'. Who has extremely low frustration tolerance himself with everyone else, me, kids, person in front of him in a line, co-workers, other car drivers, you name it, highly critical of everybody...but is immediately highly sensitive to any hint of criticism or culpability to himself? As hard as I try to be understanding of the effects of ADHD, right now I'm having to do all the accommodating, and after the initial joy of 'oh, that's whats happening here!' maybe there is a way though this that's not divorce, once I had a better understanding, now comes the depression of knowing the cause, doesn't stop all the miserable behaviour. He hasn't told a single friend that he has ADHD, which means I have no understanding there, and its not my place to tell his friends. Despite the fact he does feel its ok to to impart sensitive information about me, or talk over me, or contradict me when I'm talking to someone. His self image is that he is just a simple lovely person, just doing his best in the world, and he has a wife who misunderstands him, and nags him. He passivley agressively dictates our lives by stonewalling,
And yes, he was married before, his first wife left him after a year, and I think she was the wise one...apparently she complained of the same things, that I struggle with he informs me abstractly...
I wonder when does long-suffering become mere foolishness? ( I'm sure he feels he is long suffering, in fact I know it), I've been in this for over 10 years, and I feel its taken the best of me, and I'd like to find the easy going, creative, optimistic individual my friends remember me for, buried under the worry and stress, and sadness. Am I still there?
The response to the suggestion that ADHD may be having an effect on our marriage, was 'why would it?'
I feel that being in this relationship is making me emotionally sick, and I have too important a job to do as a mom, but how long can you go on with no change, no traction? I feel so very alone in this... If I try to talk to close friends I get the immediate response of 'oh I think my partner has ADHD!' which is totally unhelpful, and no, just because he loses his car keys once in a while is really not the same. And I don't want to be disloyal and give too many details, so I guess it comes across that he's an affable goof to outsiders, but sorry not really, they don't get to see the really unpleasant behaviour, as he's all smiles and engagement when we have friends over, and then back to distant once they've left. It feels like the worst kind of emotional cruelty, I'll look like I care about you when people are around, but you won't register on my radar once they've gone...Is there really a gene that makes you behave such a way?!
Feeling desperate, and very alone.