My husband and I have been together for almost 20 years, married for 13. We have 3 boys and as they get older and their issues become more apparent it feels like it has brought our issues more clearly into the light. About a year ago my husband got an official diagnosis of ADHD. I was hopeful that a diagnosis would help improve certain things in our relationship that are consistent sources of conflict. These things are, poor time management, poor sleep habits- trouble waking, hyper-focus, lack of planning, impulsivity and distractibility. After his diagnosis he started taking Adderall, but that is all he has done, he doesn’t treat his ADHD with any lifestyle changes like a regular sleep/wake schedule or regular exercise. I feel disappointed because I don’t feel like anything has changed really, the only thing I notice is that the Adderall seems to help him hyper-focus on his work and his projects even more which actually makes things harder for me not easier or better, and the Adderall hasn’t helped with any of the things that cause problems in our relationship, like time management for example. When I try to discuss this with him he basically says that he feels like the medication is working and so any problems left over must be my problems, because he feels great- end of discussion.
I want to be clear I don’t think that I am perfect or faultless or that all of our problems are only because of my husband, but I also don’t think (like he seems to) that all of our problems are my fault or because of my issues. I would classify myself as a highly sensitive person and have issues with anxiety, depression and low self-esteem. I do feel that my husband’s behavior and way he interacts with me often exacerbates my issues. Our 3 boys are all difficult in their own ways (lots of ADHD behaviors, anxiety, etc) and so our household tends to be very chaotic, negative and dysfunctional. My family is like a boiling stew made up of poor emotional regulation, poor executive functioning, poor impulse control, high sensitivity topped with a generous portion of anxiety and ADHD! I can picture it being a funny sit-com, but the reality of it is completely draining.
My husband has always been very passive aggressive, but I only in the past few years have I really started to be aware of it and how it negatively affects our relationship. One thing he does a great deal of that causes a lot of conflict is he will say something in a critical/negative tone of voice and when I response defensively he then will accuse me of over-reacting. He will say in a completely different and calm tone, “All I said was, XYX” and when his words are said in a neutral or friendly tone it sounds completely innocent. He stuffs his negative feeling way down deep and tries to pretend they don’t exist, and then there is me, the highly sensitive person, so I end up knowing how he feels before he even is willing to acknowledge it to himself, sigh. Since he has started medication he has started to do a lot of gas-lighting when conflict between us occurs, even straight-up telling me that I am crazy. He seems to think that since he takes a pill twice a day that he is fixed, so if there is a problem then it must be me. This is one way I feel like the medication has made things worse because he now seems extra righteous that he doesn’t have a problem anymore, so now everything is all my fault.
One thing about my husband and my relationship that seems the opposite of what I have read about how ADHD affects a marriage is that he (the ADHD spouse) is the one who often treats me like I am incompetent. He is highly controlling about how a lot of things are done (basically anything to do with business or finances). Over the years I have just let him take over these areas of our lives because he does a good job and I don’t care how they are done, so long as someone does it and if I try to do it he micromanages me and criticizes me if I do things differently than he would. The problem is he now feels resentful that he has so many of these responsibilities to deal with even though he was the one who (because of his control issues) took over. I think it was a mistake on my part to allow him to take over because it has added to my low self-esteem, he sends me the message that I am incompetent and I go along with it. Unfortunately, I do this because it’s easier than dealing with him constantly checking up on me and treating me like I’m his employee, which also adds to my low self-esteem, It feels like a lose-lose situation for my self-esteem around him a lot of the time. Sometimes I feel like I’m the spouse with ADHD and he is the hyper-critical non-ADHD spouse that is constantly micro-managing me telling me that I’m not doing things right. I will admit that I do have some ADHDish qualities/behaviors (I interrupt a fair amount and have poor emotional regulation) but it’s not really enough for a diagnosis, although my sister has been diagnosed ADHD and takes Ritalin so it’s in the family.
As the years go by my husband works longer and longer hours making him less available both physically and emotionally to me and the kids (I stay home with the kids and take care of the never-ending domestic responsibilities- this is an area he does not take over and happily leaves every single thing up to me). He also fills any possible free time with optional projects, but once these projects are started they “HAVE TO” be tended to which in his mind excuses his unavailability. I think it’s a sub-conscious avoidance technique to not have to focus on or spend time with our family.
We have been to therapy multiple times. It seems to help when we are doing it, but it seems like my husband almost immediately forgets what changes are supposed to be happening unless he has someone besides me reminding him every week. Our last bought of therapy was this summer with a therapist/life coach and I felt like I had made good progress within myself and the therapist seemed to agree, but my husband didn’t seem to change or progress at all and remained stuck in the mindset of “I can’t change” and “I don’t want to change”. I could tell the therapist thought he was the one that needed to keep coming to get a more balance in his life between his work and family. I wanted us to keep going, but predictably he decided that therapy was taking too much time away from work and so he just wouldn’t do it anymore, that sort of says it all to me- he couldn’t even take a hour a week to focus on strengthening our relationship.
I am starting to feel little hopeless and I already feel extremely lonely. I am constantly trying to be a better me and do all the hard work to get there; eat better, get more exercise, have good sleep hygiene, be social, try to be mindful, drink less, smoke less pot (yes, I said it!). I feel like he is keeping me down. He is always encouraging me to stay up late, smoke with him, have a drink (he likes me better when I’ve had a few drinks, sigh). He doesn’t put any effort into a shared social life, because he feels fulfilled social from his work interactions. I am trying so hard to change things so that our family can feel good and happy, but he is so content with the way his life is (except for his annoying wife who wants things like attention, and quality time from him occasionally). I guess that is the root of our problem, he likes our life the way it is and I don’t. I know he loves me and under all the hurt and resentment, I love him too. I just wish loving each other made it easy. Unfortunately, now with 3 difficult children added into the mix it is hard most of the time.
I’m wondering how others have dealt with ADHD spouses who take meds but don’t do anything else to treat their ADHD. And is it typical for meds to help the ADHD individual, but not necessarily help with interpersonal issues?
I’m also curious if anyone else has a highly controlling ADHD spouse? And how to deal with a passive aggressive ADHD spouse?
Mostly I’d just like some support and encouragement. After having gone to therapy multiple times and not having anything really get better I don’t know where to turn, I feel like I don’t have anybody to go to for support anymore.
Thanks, C
Your Situation is Well Shared by Others
Submitted by Soft_Owl on
I wish I could tell you I've never heard of the things you articulate so well in your post. I've heard them all, I live them all. It's a daily grind.
The medication vs. behaviorial modification seems to be a great sticking point for ADHD. Unlike anxiety for example where there is an actual physical manifestation (racing heart, palpitations, sweating, feeling faint, etc) ADHD is the "normal" for those who are dealing with that particular disorder. They are unaware that whatever they are doing (or not doing) isn't within the normal realm of behavior. The last thing they want to hear is that they aren't doing what they are supposed to be doing. Time management, executive function (handling tasks in order of priority) isn't something that is understood on a base enough level to foster a sense that they have to "change" the way they go through a day. Many of their responses and protocols have been "learned" in such a way they achieved a sense of "success" in their lives.
I am noticing that many ADHD who are "stuck" and can't grasp the notion of change are almost all over 50 years old. I'm not a therapist or a professional in that area but I'm beginning to see a pattern that indicates a much lower degree of motivation for behavior modification the older the person with ADHD gets. I'm sort of feeling like it is so much "work" to consciously "slow down" and evaluate what one is doing or put a timeframe on when that something will be done, age seems to play a prominent role. Just as our population ages and we start to notice Aunt Mabel doesn't really care what she blurts out in company, or when Grandma utters some pretty non-politically correct statements. I feel as if once a person hits a certain age, generally they care less and less about being successful in relationships and socially with more and more care taken to live life as they choose, not the way society expects. Add a healthy dose of ADHD to that possible mindset and the result is someone over 50 generally caring less about being in relationship to ADHD not having the ability to "observe" their role in relationship, no less make changes to behavior that has taken a lifetime to perfect.
ADHD isn't something you "acquire" at some point in your life, you are born with it. Undiagnosed you learn to navigate life through the filter of ADHD. Perfected coping mechanisms can range from what I call "talking careers," meaning all manner and sort of sales jobs where speaking is valued in lieu of regimented office work or industries that require time-tables and/or deadlines. Many ADHD either thrive in businesses that require meticulous record keeping only to have all their personal bills strewn all over the house in a complete mess. I believe the stress of trying to hold a career of any sort together while curbing their tongue, forcing themselves to be pleasant and completing the task is so frustrating and exhausting, they need a safe scapegoat in the form of a relationship partner so they can purge themselves of all that "preferred behavior." This is why I believe most ADHD are "nicer" "friendlier" "more cordial" "more respectful" "never angry" with people outside their intimate relationships. I have often watched my partner be as nice as pie to someone else and moments later be nasty, short tempered and aggressive with me.
I wish I had the magic bullet for you, me and everyone who comes to this forum. I can say without hesitation that taking medication without dedicated and continuous behavior modification under the guidance of a very well versed therapist is a path to absolutely nowhere.
Regards...
You're Not Alone .....C
Submitted by kellyj on
Just like softowl said.....these things are all too familiar which are really just the manifestations ( in their different forms ) of having ADHD and or the variations of behaviors that come from the source and I am no different in respect to the source here just to start. ( me having ADHD ) And in what you are asking.....I think I can address these things better and articulate them better than I have been able to before....not only because I have had some success across the board with my symptoms in learning how to manage them better.....but now because I am dealing with the same issues coming from my wife now....in that she is not officially diagnosed with ADHD.....but as I see her through the lens of having been where she is....I am getting a much clearer look at the process I went through myself and am recognizing them now...seeing them in another person? This is extremely helpful and even validating to me...in showing me what is possible and mainly providing me with the insight I need to manage ( not only myself ) but our situation together which has been a real struggle up until recently? The difference I feel...has come from my own understanding of exactly ...WHAT...each issue is...and then how to address them and address them specifically though communicating with my wife which has been the biggest challenge of them all...but now with some success in dealing with this?
What I have had to do ( and what is recommended as well for those of us who have it )...is to break things down to their smaller components...and address each component separately...or at least, look at them separately and apply a specific remedy to each...based on the specifics that need to take place ( to each one individually )...instead of trying to address them all..or too many of them all at once in a big ball of tangled up string? All of these "things" are interrelated or connected, that is true....but trying to find one solution..to fit 10 different issues as one...is what this starts on the road to failure and creates hopelessness as the end result? That much...you can almost count on in trying to approach things that way?
If I were to offer you any encouragement....I can at least re-cap....how I ( and my wife together ) got here...from where we were..and tell you the successes and why to give you an idea of a different way to deal with this than you might have possibly before? I can only tell you how I did it....I can tell you how you should do it...but it might give some ideas?
Recapping in order of priority just to start:
-Change your perception and what you know first off. If you believe things that aren't true...or if what you believe only serves to make you more hopeless...then looking at things from a different perspective...is a good place to start. And that starts with: Differentiating the problems separately and doing what I just said?
"I can say without hesitation that taking medication without dedicated and continuous behavior modification under the guidance of a very well versed therapist is a path to absolutely nowhere." I think this statement is very true, but mainly it's making a reference to the very thing I am talking about for example. The belief...that medication...can do any more than help increase your ability to "focus"...for extended times without getting distracted or side tracked on other things...is about all the medication can do...albeit....that's a huge deal for someone with ADHD..and should not be discounted or taken lightly?
The fact of the matter...that you even said he feels "good" after taking Adderall....should not be dismissed as irrelevant..only because it's not getting you what you want...first and foremost? It's just one piece of the puzzle....but a very important piece none the less? You can't get one...without the other...and this one has the potential..in making a quantum shift in your ability and capacity to change. It won't....make the change as put....but it can make the change....possible...by doing exactly what I just said? An important point to keep in mind..and not throw the baby out with the bath water? It's just "step one"...of the entire process and is not....less important...only because "YOU YOURSELF"...are not getting the desired results you want from it which is not what it's suppose to do anyway..and not realistically possible in the first place? Simply put. Your only setting yourself up for disappointment...in having the wrong expectation..and trying to apply it to the wrong thing and then being disappointed....when that doesn't happen?
So now what? You might ask? If you were putting all your faith in the medication as it sounds your husband is too ( possibly )...then you need to move away from that..and move towards something that will work? I'm saying for yourself...not for your husband? What is possible is for you to change...you can't change another person for them? Besides...your husband is not your kids? You can't do what you do with your kids...and think that will work because it won't. That will only lead to resentment..and makes things worse...not better?
And to make this point stand out here...the first thing * I would do and have done myself? ) is to separate and differentiate...your issues from his as the first step I would do? What makes you hopeless is the feelings of being overwhelmed with this big ball of tangled up string to deal with? Unravel the ball and lay the strings out on the floor separately..and deal with each one individually..and address them one by one and knock them down in order of importance? Instead of one big hopeless problem....you can address these little or smaller ones individually..which is a sure fire way to succeed and not fail? If you consider...it took years ( or a lifetime ) to get where you are now....you can't expect to change over night..and retrace your steps and undo them..in the same way you got here? One step at a time...over time which can start today..if you make it doable and easier on yourself to do? Why make it any harder on yourself..than it already is? Changing your perspective means...changing things like time lines and dead lines and making everything try and happen...all at once? Relax and take a deep breath..and start approaching these things individually..which will only build on the success of one..and carry it over to the next thing..l.one by one? Your anxiety and your stress...is what is eating you up right now? Change that first...by taking things in a day to day..and step by step approach and give yourself....enough time that you can succeed in doing them? Give yourself a break...first and foremost and try not to take on too much...all at once?
I’m also curious if anyone else has a highly controlling ADHD spouse? And how to deal with a passive aggressive ADHD spouse? Oh yeah!!! Big time!! LOL
No matter what...your husband tells you..or what you think it is.....I can give you my own two bits on what I think..and how to address this issue? ( better...I am still learning all the time? )
It appears that the main issue or source at the core for those of us with ADHD...is really "bad brakes"...to make this simple and easy to understand? This is an "impulsiveness" problem..in that we lack the filters that control this impulsiveness...that apparently most everyone else has without even trying? That is the source..at the core. How it gets manifested...appears to come in different forms depending on..and depending on which "type" of ADHD you have? I am..the hyperactive "type"...predominantly..and that comes with it's own brand or flavor..compared to the other types? For me...impulsiveness is at the core or core feature...so to address this...I have to approach this from that direction to do it effect? I still have the "inattentiveness" issues as with the other type....but they are not as pronounced with me..as is the "impulsiveness" part? The most common type is combined...which means a mix of these things..with one being more than the other depending on what you are taling about? That's just another example...of differentiately...one thing from another...just to show you?
But at the core..and the consistent or common thread here between the two...is the "bad brakes"..and not being able to "shift attention" from one thing to another and that shows up in your comments all over the place and is easy for me to spot here? I think if you can get the skills in recognizing this yourself...it will help you see things for what they are..and spot these things too so you know what you are seeing? That should help give you an idea of how to work around this yourself..to reduce your own anxiety..and not take these things personally which the one of the hardest aspects to do...until you learn how to do it? Learning how then..might be the first step in the process for you?
And it appears to me at least...when comparing myself to my wife? We have to completely different ways of approaching things which are distincly different than one another even under the same headking and the same core features. "Bad Brakes"...in terms of "racing thoughts"...and "constant worry and concern' means not being able to stop or control these thoughts..which eventually turn into anxiety without the ability to control it? And in my wifes case...her adaptive strategy..is totally different than mine? Her strategy..is to try and control her environment..and the things "outside of herself" as means to do this...which is not addressing the core feature in learning how to control her self..and tries to do it through her enviroment and the people around her instead? From what I know..and from what I see? What I see...is her....avoiding addressing the issue at the core as in the "impulsiveness"..and needing "immediate gratification" as he means to control her impatience nature due to this already lack of control..and trying to apply that outwardly to her environment...which creates a rigid structure and this highly controlling nature..of needing to have everything in exactly one structured way...or she loses the only control she has...but still doesn't address the core issue? And when that happens...."impulsiveness"...turns into...."compulsiveness" as a means to try and control it ( that way )which comes in the (form or seeds of ) of OCD like behaviors due to and anxiety which can also lead to depression? As my therapist has pointed out to us....."Stubbornness'...is "persistence gone bad." That would be like the equivalent of.. beating your head against a brick wall..and believing you will make the wall move or change? Not so much...in my own experience with this?
You said this here to make another reference about this. I would classify myself as a highly sensitive person and have issues with anxiety, depression and low self-esteem. I do feel that my husband’s behavior and way he interacts with me often exacerbates my issues. Our 3 boys are all difficult in their own ways (lots of ADHD behaviors, anxiety, etc) and so our household tends to be very chaotic, negative and dysfunctional. My family is like a boiling stew made up of poor emotional regulation, poor executive functioning, poor impulse control, high sensitivity topped with a generous portion of anxiety and ADHD! I can picture it being a funny sit-com, but the reality of it is completely draining.
Just in the passage.....you named the specific components of what you feel is a real problem for you and within that....you are speaking to the choir..and I understand this dilemma myself intimately?
Breaking it down again..and differentiately this for you as I just did before? What can you change...and what is possible for you to do here since you have no control of power....to change your husband or you kids directly speaking to ADHD and nothing else? If you can't change your environment or have any control in making them "stop" doing the things that effect you the most...I would work on these things first yourself..by doing what you need to do..so they don;t effect you so severely? In essense ( this is true for everyone )...if you want people to be with you...and or you want people to spend time with you...the you yourself...need to be the person...other people want to be with..and most people...don;t want to be with....someone who is sad lonely and depressed? This is that catch 22 you mentioned...but really, you do have the power to change that foryourself..and then the rest of what you want...should follow suit after you've made those changes?
Taking things one by one again? If you are lonely....then you probably appear lonely and depressed? That is not attractive to most people of gives them an incentive to want to be around you? You catch more flies with honey....putting that into perspective? If you wer to demand that someone be with you...."because I'm lonely".....what insentive or reason does that give someone else for their sake to be around or with you? So....."you won't be lonely?" While in the mean time....they have to be with you..while your sad lonely and depressed? Not the best "bait" to use..and not what most would find attractive or want to be around? If you want your husband to be around you more...then he ( or anyone for that matter ) needs some kind of insentive or reason for themselves...to want to in the first place? Saying this differently.....your "loneliness" or "feeling lonely"...is not your husbands or anyone else problem...it;s yours simply put? If you've got all your "eggs in one basket"...maybe getting a few more baskets to spread that out and diversify a little...will take some of the pressure off your husband ( or anyone else ) without that pressure there and making that the other persons sole...responsibility? I've found that the more you want it..and the more desperate and badly you feel you need it and need to have it....the least likely it will happen and the probability of you getting...goes down incrementally..as that need goes up? And as a general rule of thumb... in respect to the fact that...this also works exactly the same way...going in the opposite direction? That simplifies this again..and gives you a goal to work on and think about because I know this does work...exactly as I said from my own expereince with this?
I could continue on at length here...but more than anything for you and what you are specifically wanting and asking for? If you work on these things for yourself first ..which is totally in your power to do and control for yourself...then I would encourage you to take a moment...and seperate these things out and address them one by one? By doing that just for a start...I think you will find that you will feel better and more in control of yourself...and at that time...you will be better able to deal with addressing the other issues in respect your husband...and your realtionship issues together? Allowing...or not allowing....you husbands behaviors to effect you...is totally in your control..and within your own personal power to do if you take these things step by step..and not try to address them all at once in one big bundle...which really doesn't work..and only leads to more failure?
Speaking for myself here...I have found...the more control and power I have over myself...the less "controlling" I become...and my ability to cope and manage things better...goes up exponentially...than trying to control other people or things in my environment...that I really have very little control of? Shifting my own focus to myself...instead of what's wrong...."inside my enviroment"...is applying the energy I have wisely...and eliminate all the disappointment...when other people fail to meet "my needs". Getting "my needs" taken care of by myself...for myself....is the way I have found that works for me in order to do this without all those expectations that I have of others...that keep getting in my way? The more I become..the person I want to be....the more people and my wife...want to be with me? I think that's a pretty simple formula for success...that seems proven to work? I hope that gives you some encouragement and some support in ideas to think about and give you a direction from a different perspective than the one you've been using to date?
j
Thanks for your responses.
Submitted by Cam on
Thanks for your responses. Interestingly the two people in my life who I am closest to, my husband and sister both have ADHD. As I get older and do more work on improving myself and my self esteem, I am realizing that I don't feel okay just accepting, ignoring or letting it go when they treat me poorly- even if it is unintentionally hurtful. It doesn't matter if I use therapy approved language like, "I statements" when expressing my feelings, they both really hate it when I don't just let them do whatever they want and treat me however they like. These are two people who for years and years I always put all of their wants, needs, and feeling above my own no matter the cost to me or my self esteem . I think now that I am sometimes being assertive about my wants, needs and feelings they really don't like it very much.
In response to feeling lonely, I meant purely within my marriage. I have friends and I don't feel lonely as an individual, I feel like I am alone within my relationship with my husband. But interestingly when I try to express this to my husband his response is the same as yours, J- he tells me that I can't rely on him for everything and that I should just make plans to do stuff (without him), but in my opinion if you don't feel emotionally connected to your spouse or have some kind of shared life and experiences then what is the point of the marriage?
I also just heard this thing about kids today- they don't know how to interpret and then express how they feeling verbally, but they have this amazing ability to do things and say things to make you feel how they are feeling to get you to understand how they feel and what they need. When I heard this, it not only made sense about my kids, but this is exactly what my husband does to me! I've started to be more self aware recently and to differentiate my moods and feelings from my kids' and husband's feeling and it's getting easier for me to know where the bad mood is really coming from- and of course sometimes it's me ;)
Knwoing How?
Submitted by kellyj on
I have to say...it's taken me a long time to learn how to express my feelings or even know what they are? I can say mostly....that came from being in a home situation...where "feelings" were almost taboo? Really. The head of the household ( who was my father ) got really itching and antsy if "feelings" were ever mentioned or brought up..and he quickly put the kabosh on that...so "feelings" weren't allowed in my growing up experience....plus...."little boys" weren't suppose to show emotions or cry ( back in the day ) so that just went with the territory I guess and fit right in with what I grew up with?
I still get "anxious"... with someone who is extremely emotional or as I see it....not being able to contain themselves in more..."every day occurrences" like somebody cutting you off in traffic or something of that nature? I do understand the kind of loneliness you are talking about "in the relationship"....even if you've got friends or other people you know to talk to or do things with. They don't count...as far as the intimate kind of loneliness and expressing your emotions or feelings to....and really show an interest in your emotional "state"...if you need someone to do that with?
Guys in general....or at least my closest friends can listen a little or be there to a point...but they too....were subject to the same rules as I was..and those unspoken rules of ( lets talk about anything but that )...still kind of apply? I have yet to find someone quite like my wife in that respect as far as "women go"....except...my own sisters who I suspect have ADHD to some degree...especially my oldest. She is not big on ...as she says "being demonstrative" which is kind of side stepping the issue and just saying what it feels like to her? However...she almost never expresses her anger openly..and almost never has a negative word to say or if she does....it's sparingly and straight to the point? She's a hard person to read...unless you know how to read her..and I'm taking that same example...and applying it to my wife now? There does seem to be kind of a magic combination to the lock...and unless you have the "exact one"....then the lock won't open? I have my peculiarities and pet peeves too...but at least at this time...I am aware of them..and know what they are? If someone were to ask me....I could tell them without too much difficulty even though..as it appears pretty obvious....I can do it...but in soooooo many words!! LOL Lots of them...straight to the point!! Working on that as we speak....when you have to start from scratch...it takes a while no matter how old you are?
And before I forget...this topic of age has come up recently..and I think...without over thinking this....it's not that hard to figure out? This came to mind...when I remembered a friend...really pushing me to learn to Snow Board since that is the popular craze especially with younger people? When I learned to ski....I was 12 at the time...and it didn't matter how many times I fell down or wiped out..and scattered my gear all over the hill like a yard sale and then some? I was just happy to be there and whether I fell down or not...was just part of the fun??
So...the one day my friend twisted my arm..and got me try Snow Boarding? By the time I made it to the bottom of the hill.....I demanded my skis back from my friend..and swore that would be the last time!!! At this point in time....I can ski all day long and never fall if I don;t want to..and mostly....I don't want to....so I pretty much, don't. LOL It had been so long...in trying anything new in that case...I forgot about the "falling down part"....which was brought to my attention "in real time" once again...when I tried Snow Boarding...for the very first time? LOL You're not going to see me....trading my skis in for a snow board.....any time in the near future....succinctly put!!! The operant word here is....pain ( literally...in the ass!! ) LOL Which at age 59....in respect to Snow Boarding...that is a legitimate excuse!! LOL
It's not that I can't.....I just don't want to.....and that I think, might easily applied to this in the same way, once I stopped and thought about it? Just a passing thought and the reason why? (in a more humorous way of looking at it :)
J