New marriage, just foun out I'm ADD...is it normal to feel like my husband is too good for me bc of my problems?

Hi everyone!  I'm new to all this do bare with me.  My husband and I got married when I was 6 months pregnant. I know he loves me but even still any woman would have some small thoughts in the back of my head that if I hadn't of gotten pregnant then we would have never gotten married.  Even though my husband is the nicest, most kind hearted, caring man that I've ever met and he does his best to assure me that he would have never married me if he had any doubt.  I have always been very quick tempered, disorganized, constantly procrastinating, forgetful, and over all just scatter brained.  He works full time and I am a stay t home mom.  I love my life and my one year old but adding a baby into the chaos that I already my life has just made my ADD that much worse.  There isn't a day that goes by that my husband sends me text messages of lists of things that I need to do bc he knows how forgetful I am and yet still I don't remember to do half of it.  He has never complained or griped about any of my craziness; he has just accepted me for who I am.  It seems like in the last few months I hear him saying that I go from 0 - 10 in a split second with my anger...and that there is no in between.  I am trying to work on it but sometimes it is just impossible to hold back.  He is patient with me and caring but I know that it frustrates him.  Also, he works all day, manages to get all of his responsibilities taken care of, remind me of mine, sometimes even do mine, come home an help around the house and with the baby...yet I can't even get dinner on the table before 9pm or manage to do the laundry.  It's not fair to him at all and I feel so guilty and lazy, ad undeserving.  I almost feel like I wouldn't be surprised if he's thinking "this isn't what I signed up for!".  Especially since I was recently diagnosed with ADD..  Mental illness is extremely prevalent in my family so it is no surprise that I have had ADD all my life.  I have not gotten on any medication yet.  I am still back and forth about that... It is so scary and so over whelming to think that I might have to be on a scheduled/stimulant for the rest of my life if I want any chance of living a productive life.  Also, I am terrified that I would get addicted to the meds.  I have never gotten addicted to anything in my life but I did self medicate a few years back with hydrocodone.  It was never an addiction for me though, I only took the recommended dose, never more than I should...but I was extremely depressed at the time and finding it hard to even walk out of my front door.  So when I took the medicine it was easier for me to deal with ring around people, work, and school.  I didn't use it for the euphoria effect, I just used it bc it made it easier for mme to get things done without feel anxious and over whelmed.  When my mom found out I stopped, easily...I wasn't even taking enough to have any kind of withdrawals, just a pill every now and then to make it through the day.  But I'm terrified to take something else that is a scheduled drug bc I never want to experience that again.  Even though when I took the pills I felt better, once those 4-6 hrs were up I was even worse then before.  My husband has made goofy little side comments about the mental illness in our family like "why didn't u tell me that before I knocked u up?". I know that he is joking and doesn't mean it but I still feel like if he says it there is a part of him that means it.  Even if he doesn't know it.  I guess what I'm getting at is how can I communicate to my husband that I feel like he deserves better and am terrified that after the "newly wed" phase is gone he will grow to resent me, and get more and more frustrated with my illness?  And eventually we will end up in divorce?? Also, does anyone think that medication is the best option for me?  Even though I'm scared I am almost willing to do whatever it takes to become a normal human being.  My husband has made it clear that he is concerned about the meds changing my personality and possibly making my anger issues worse... Honestly, if I do get worse I don't know how long he is willing to put up with me.  It's not fair to him for me to have these doubts but I just can't help it.  I would do anything to change them but I can't... Any advice is greatly appreciated... I feel like a sinking ship right now. 

I think the first thing you

I think the first thing you need to change is your attitude "I can't". You can, it will just require that you work harder than some other people who don't have ADD. I'm the non-ADHD wife to my ADHD husband. (39 y/o, officially diagnosed, untreated). You're new to the marriage and there is still a LOT to work with, so the sooner you start, the better off your marriage will be. 

First, you need to recognize your anger is NOT about your husband, it is about YOU and how YOU feel about YOURSELF. Stop taking it out on him. Dig your heels in and get busy making changes that will make YOU feel better about you. Him enduring your anger, and shouldering the majority of the responsibilities in the marriage/home will eventually catch up to him...he is only human. It is FANTASTIC that he is accepting and kind and patient. Don't take that for granted or take advantage of it by assuming he'll always happily and cheerfully pick up your slack. Are you pulling your share of the work load, and just aren't able to meet his (maybe too demanding) expectations? God knows managing a home with an infant isn't child's play and can be a job in itself. OR are you just simply giving up and giving in to the ADD and not doing even your share? (these are questions you need to ask yourself, not necessarily answer here)

Many people have very positive results with the medications and wouldn't dream of going a day without them. Others struggle with finding the right dosage, side effects, and (yes) increased anger. However, in my situation my husband was NOT angry before the meds, but was hostile and confrontational on them. It seems to be more common for people who have anger issues PRIOR to taking meds to find some relief from those issues. There is no way to know for sure...you would just have to try the meds and see. As for the worries about taking them forever or becoming addicted...to me, it would be worth all of the risks to feel less like you describe feeling...and to feel like I could succeed in life. I wish my husband had been diagnosed earlier in life and given medication before he spent 38 years developing shitty coping strategies and learning the best way to deal with problems is to ignore them or run from them. You WILL learn these too...and it is very likely that those who love you will suffer the most. Think of your baby...do you want your child to see an angry, 0-10 in 2 seconds Momma or do you want them to see someone who takes control of her life and emotions? The anger is a choice you make, plain and simple. It might not be easy to not get angry, but it is extremely unfair and destructive to your marriage to do so.

Please keep us posted!

 

thanks for your reply...

I'm sorry, I was not aware that I came across in my previous post with an "I can't" attitude.  I definitely KNOW that this is something I can do now that I know what is wrong with me.  I grew up in a home where my mother refused to believe that her child was "flawed" even when my elementary school begged her to get me tested when I was 6 years old she still was in complete denial that ADHD even existed, let alone her own child would have such a thing.  I was always told that my mom had tested me and that I passed with flying colors and there was absolutely nothing wrong with me; but it wasn't until recently that my sister came clean and told me that she actually never had any of the testing done and just told me otherwise when the subject came up.  I can understand my mothers fear of not wanting to put her child on a stimulant drug; that is over whelming even at an older age let alone at 6.  But what I can't understand is that even though she refused to have me diagnosed, she still should have picked up on the warning signs and made some accommodations for me.  Instead I was expected to blow through school like it was a breeze like my older sister and when I didn't meet those expectations I was severely punished.  I spent most of my childhood grounded; not just that but I spent most of my childhood thinking I was just lazy and stupid.  I specifically remember thinking that I wished that there was something wrong with me, some sort of something or other that would explain why I did the things that I did.  It just didn't make sense why I would do great in all of my classes but Math and Science.  When it came to those I would space out in class, procrastinate or avoid homework all together.  I just couldn't wrap my brain around those concepts and I wasn't able to get the extra help that I needed because I was "supposed" to be as smart as my sister.  I'm not saying I had this horrible childhood, but I do believe that I haven't been able to meet my full potential and that is honestly very depressing.  But really, I have nothing that I can complain about...I have a husband that is extremely understanding and loves me with all his heart, and I also have a baby that makes my life worth living; I feel extremely fortunate.  Which is why I am trying to get a handle on this thing before it gets a handle on me... Even before the diagnosis I was already working on my anger issues; I had just thought that I suffered from poor anger management and need to control it.  But now that I have a real clue to what I am lacking in my brain it makes perfect sense.  Since my diagnosis I have been making daily lists and focusing on tackling one thing at a time.  It is a struggle and I have to FORCE, (and I mean FORCE) myself to stick to one thing at a time until it is complete but the system is working and it's giving me a lot of hope.  I start medication on January 31st...I'm EXTREMELY nervous and scared but I am willing to do what it takes to control my ADHD.  I know it is going to be a tough road and I am also aware that this isn't just a "one pill, fix all" kind of thing, the more I read and learn about it the more I realize that it is basically 50/50.  Yes the medicine will give me those extra chemicals that I've been lacking in my brain but only I can develop the skills to manage this and learn to live a beneficial life.  Also, I have severe Insomnia and anxiety... I'm wondering if the doc will be able to prescribe meds for those too?  I guess I will just have to see.  The thing is, I feel extremely fortunate that I have caught it this early and my heart really goes out to all of the "non-ADHD" spouses out there who feel like their partner is being selfish and in denial about their problems.  That is exactly what I do not want my husband/child to feel.  Yes, we will have our ups and downs; but if I can help it, it won't be because of my ADHD.  I really hope that those that have spouses in denial can find some hope or freedom from their partner and their ADHD.  I really can't imagine what you guys go through, it's like having ADHD, dealing with it day in and day out but never being able to do one thing about it.  It's not fair...and I'm truly sorry.  I will keep you updated on my progress though...  FINGERS CROSSED!!!

wanted to mention real

wanted to mention real quick...be back in a bit for more...

Some ADHDers, without really knowing it, pick fights to 'stimulate' their brains. It is a type of self-medication. Maybe your issue isn't specifically anger management, but your brain needing stimulation and you finding out somehow that this 'works' for you. If so, the meds might help tremendously. Also, my husband has never in his life slept as well, or as regularly, as he did while on the stimulant meds. Some people claim that the reason for the inability to sleep is the racing brain that won't shut down...so it would stand to reason that meds might help calm that enough so that you can sleep. I really am crossing my fingers for you (and saying a prayer) that the meds help you in some or all of these areas. 

be back...

Sherri

Has anyone told you they're proud of you?

I really liked that in spite of the fact that you are scared by all of this you are still taking responsibility for your ADHD issues and trying to get them under control.  I really hope these meds (or others) will work for you because it will just make the process easier (not easy, but easier!)  Someone later makes a comment about sleep and meds.  There is some indication that being "overly emotional" is biologically connected (Ned Hallowell calls it having bad brakes) and that medication can really help you manage that.  Ditto with sleep.  SOME (not all, to be sure) find that meds help them sleep better (along with a sleep-inducing night routine, such as reading in bed starting at 10 no matter what or meditating or something).  However, I think it might have to be the "in your system all the time" types of meds, like Wellbutrin, rather than a stimulant, which goes out of your system well before bed time.  Something to talk with your doctor about.

Anyway, our fingers are crossed, too!