Hello to all in the forums, thank you so much for being active in them. I have learned so very much from you all already just by reading your experiences!
This is my first post here, and I hope you can give me some advice. I am recently separated from ADHD spouse and I desperately want him to seek help and own his condition. I know it is hard. (perhaps I should say that I can understand that it's hard? I know I will never know what it's like to face what he must face). I have discussed it with him at length. We know he has ADHD, was diagnosed as a child, spent (a lot of!) time in denial and was functioning very well until life's responsibilities began mounting, and neither of us had any idea it was creeping into our lives like a serpent! In my fantasy world, my DH gets help, starts to work on his problems, and then we can go together to work on our problems and see if we can/want to be a family again. But it doesn't seem like he's willing/ready/wants/not sure?! to get any help, though he does acknowledge that we could've each said pretty much everything in Melissa Orlov's book, if we'd only known and been able to express what had been going on.
Words cannot truly express how hurt and sad I am now. In my darker moments, I wonder if he ever actually loved me, or just needed me to bring order to chaos. I don't know if things can be saved, but I very much hope that they can. I am practical, and assume that the life we (I?) planned will never be, and I have begun to rebuild my life for myself and my child, but I still do hope. I absolutely know that I can't fix this for him, and the truth is that I don't want to be fixing things for him. I want him to want to fix things and then to actually go and work on it himself! But I do want to help him, if there's any way that I can. Right now I get the vibe that it's "out of sight, out of mind" for him and that he's not interested in an attempt at working things out.
So far I have:
-told him what I believe the issues are and given him Melissa's book on ADHD and Marriage
-told him that if he starts the process, I am willing to meet him halfway and go to marriage counseling and then see how we both feel.
-told him that I still do love him, but I don't want to be a mother to him. I want and deserve a partner, as does he.
-told him that if he does need help finding help, wants me to go with him to get started, etc, that he just had to ask me and I would happily do it.
-and (most importantly?) acknowledged that my reactions to his symptoms are also a part of the problem, and that now that I understand better what's behind everything, that I can learn to adjust those reactions and work together effectively.
Whew...that was longer than I realized! Thanks for sticking with me so far! I've done more than what I listed, but I just wrote what I felt are the most important bullet points. So forum readers - is there anything else I should or can do? Is it doomed from the start? How long do I wait for him to seek help?