It has been wonderful to read so many stories that sound familiar. Does anyone here have experience with this? Here is an example of what happens:
I am in the kitchen doing some task, thinking my own thoughts, and my husband walks in and launches into a tirade about the tasks he must do that day complete with details about what materials he will use, where he will find them, how long the tasks will take, why he is doing them, when he last did the same task, when he will probably do them again, then remembers more things he must do as a result of doing this particular task, and on and on, ad nauseum. Meanwhile, he has not greeted me, acknowledged my existence and I feel like a vessel into which all this information that I am not interested in is being poured, causing me to feel invisible and unimportant and repelled. Yet he stands near me as if he expects me to attend to this "list" and if I do not respond, or if I respond by saying, " I'm in the middle of something, can you wait just a minute?" in a calm, normal voice, and often his response is, "Okay, I'll shut up, nobody wants to listen to me anyway, I'll just go do my work and everyone can ignore me like usual." The first thing that goes through my mind is, "Hey, wait a minute, I didn't say anything mean to you, and you're behaving as if I have said, 'Shut up, I don't want to hear it!' Besides that, you haven't even said 'Hi' or even noticed that I was doing something else!" When I have dared to actually SAY this, his response is more of the same self deprecating stuff, like, "Yeah, yeah, I'm boring you, I don't even know why you talk to me anyway, go back to what you were doing, I'll just go work."
This really disturbs me and makes me feel as if he wants me to say, "No, no, honey, you aren't boring me, don't go do work, stay here so I can listen to your list!" But that leaves me no room to say what I deserve to be able to say which is, "I'm in the middle of something, can you wait just a minute?" I am being polite. I am even willing to listen to some of his list, even if it is not interesting to me, but when he responds this way to my reasonable request, I feel like he is putting me in a bad position and making me responsible for his feelings. Wen I have pointed this out, just this way, he even says, "I do everything wrong." There is no way for me to point anything out without having to put my needs aside.
This happens when I make a request like, "Can you please put a plate in the microwave when you put an onion bagel in there?" Suddenly, it's as if I've told him he's a bad person!!! His reactions are so over the top and paint me as the bad guy. It's like he's not able to take responsibility for anything! Any suggestions?