New to the site and looking for resources advice about divorce


I've been with my ADHD spouse since 1998 and we were married in 2005. He was diagnosed as a child, I didn't know he had ADHD when we met because he wasn't on medication and didn't mention it while we were dating. I was so happy when I met him in college, they way he talked about high school I thought I had found a partner who was intelligent (majoring in computer science), creative (had performed in theatre), and athletic (had played soccer). I graduated high school early and was only 17 when I went to school and met my boyfriend now spouse. He overwhelmed me with love and attention and we ended up moving in together that following summer. 

I won't go into the entire story or I'll end up writing my own book, suffice to say that I'm 33 now and I've been on this rollercoaster a very, very long time. I didn't know what to do with my relationship and thought it was me for a long time, we moved around a lot for his career and as a result my education got pushed aside. I lost touch with my family, friends, and ended up with him as my only companion. That isolation and his reaction or lack of reaction to me completely eroded my self-esteem and sense of abilities. Where I had once been a high-achieving, successful student I began to feel stupid and developed anxiety attacks. I jumped through every hoop I could manage to get his attention and try to regain the love and connection we had shared early on.

I am so incredibly tired now, I don't have children because I kept waiting for him to "grow up" and establish a connection with me again. I've been lonely for a long time but I always vowed that I would never have kids to provide companionship for myself. I grew up in a broken home and I want my kid(s) to see a loving mother and father who are friends and partners in life. I thought I didn't want children for a long time, now I wonder if I just didn't want kids with him and I might feel differently if I were around another person who was responsible, interactive, communicative, and affectionate.

I spent the last year living by myself, I took an incredible job opportunity in another city and state. I moved into my own apartment, bought furniture and worked in a high-pressure, intense job and loved it! My house was organized and clean, I came home and didn't feel stressed in the evening. I was able to work out and lose over 30 lbs, my husband stayed in our house at his current job. When I would drive to visit on the weekends I ended up doing housework and yard work. Very quickly I told him I can't maintain two houses and a full-time job. I had to hire my mother to clean my house and he wouldn't keep up with the yard so I had to hire someone to cut the grass as well. I really did not want to come back to this but I ended up with severe dry eye problems at my office that couldn't be treated and left me in extreme pain. Sadly, just last Dec. I had to walk away from that job and the hope that I would finally be free and able to divorce.

I'm back living with my husband and it's been a nightmare, I can't handle his ADHD even though he is finally getting around to doing something about it. We argue, scream, and fight (not physically) almost every day. We are an entirely toxic couple that has nothing in common, no meaningful interactions, we haven't shared a bedroom since 2001 (due to his untreated snoring), we went over 4 years without being intimate. I've asked this man to please divorce me for years, when I didn't have a job and couldn't afford to go hire a lawyer and do it myself. Everything I've done in the last few years has been to try and work through my own issues, become financially independent, and try desperately to get out of this hell I have created for myself.

I'm looking for another job, my eye still hurts and I've been seeing a doctor about it for over a year, I'm not sure what I can do. I don't have any family locally I can turn to or I would have moved back home years ago. I tried going to a counselor last year to be my advisor during divorce and she acted like I should want to stay in my marriage. Kudos to those of you working things out but I am a worn out, bitter, hateful, ugly person around my husband. When I'm not around him I'm peaceful, hopeful, happy, energetic and I'm able to make friends, follow-through on plans, and it's so much easier to maintain my life.

How can I get out of this when I finally thought I had a way and ended up sabotaged by an unexpected medical issue?