New to this site, and scared

I'm glad I found this site. I have been married to my husband, who has ADHD, for over a year but we've been together almost 9 years. We have a 5 month old son. I'm really afraid that our marriage is going to end, and my son will come from a broken home. I've always known that DH has problems- we met in a PhD program, and even though he's very bright, it took him 8 years of struggle to finish. He has since struggled to keep jobs, and has lost some. He now works a full time job, but is having so much difficulty managing it. He ends up needing to work on weekends almost all the time. This has left me with almost all the childcare responsibilities (even though I myself work three 10 hour days). And sometimes when he's supposed to be working, I find him just watching tv or whatever. It makes me so angry I can't stand it. Our house is a complete disaster, and I work so hard to keep it manageable, but I can literally spend what little time in the day I have without my son cleaning and picking up, and when I wake up the next morning, DH has left dishes out, left wrappers open, dumped his clothes on the couch, etc etc. We live paycheck to paycheck and my husband refuses to help set a budget. Although when not stressed he's very sweet, he's almost always stressed now, and this turns him into an angry, sometimes mean person. He practically ignored the fact that I was pregnant all last year (although this was absolutely a planned pregnancy), and spent the first 2 months of our son's life ignoring him. I couldn't believe it- he loves kids and we have always known we wanted them. it's better now but not great. I feel like I cannot let my son grow up surrounded by this chaos, but I'm so torn because I also don't want him to grow up without a father. We are supposed to start therapy soon; we'll see if it happens. I am so heartbroken and feel so alone. I'm sorry this is such a ramble, but it feels good to get it out there....

New to site response

Welcome - we are glad to have your here.  You don't mention whether or not your husband is treating his ADHD or even acknowledges it fully.  Certainly the way you describe it the symptoms are getting in his way in several life domains and he needs to attend to getting better treatment.

The fact that your husband has ADHD does not doom your marriage.  But you both need to fully understand the "traps" and misunderstandings that ADHD symptoms can introduce into your relationship.  My book is a good place to start with that.

Also, understand that one of the singly most stressful times in a marriage is after the birth of children.  The entire dynamic of your marriage changes (not for the better in almost every case) and the pressure on the wife, in particular, is intense.  It is a shock to discover that we women have to bear so much of the brunt of child rearing when we envisioned it would be different (this isn't my opinion - this is born out by numbers of hours women spend caring for children and doing housework vs. men.  Does it make it right?  No, but it makes it "normal" - as hard as that is to stomach.)  Do not blame all that you are going through on the ADHD - that's only part of the issue.

Hi Nomadica

Hi, I'm feeling almost exactly the same as you at the moment and we also have a months old son (and one slightly older) I agree with Melissa's comment about things being toughest after having a baby and the addition of one of you having ADD can make this even harder as they are so inconsiderate sometimes (a lot) I suffered with PND with our first child and I have to say OH was no help whatsoever, infact he probably couldn't have been less supportive of he had tried. I also got the ignoring thing while I was pregnant and he didn't really take any interest in our son at all until he was about 1 year old. The worst thing is, these are very hard things to forget, they really hurt. I wish I could be a more forgiving person but even now 3 years down the line I still hold these feelings whereas he doesn't understand why I can't just forget...I also hate the idea of our boys growing up without a dad around...but mum is currently very unhappy. It's all so confusing. Even right now I am sitting here having put the kids to bed wondering if he is even going to bother coming home tonight or decided last minute to go out with his friend, his phone has been switched off so we'll see, not sure I can take this anymore tbh. Sorry if this post wasn't much help to you but I just wanted you to know you are not alone, not alone at all x