New to this Site, been looking for help in what I believe is a Husband with ADHD...Bad!

I have been married for a year, to a man I have been dating for about 7.5 years, and yes I did notice some things before we were marriage. But since the marriage they have become more noticeable. During our dating years, unless we went on vacation our visits were normally 1-3 times per week. We did not always stay over night or spend the full day, but their was always a question in my head... Why do you have to do that, and why now? I noticed how impulsive he was but when I questioned the why's he would always say, I just gotta do it now. Well, the other thing I noticed during those years was job changes, lost wallets (at least 10 times a week), directionally challenged (he came to my house for almost 2 years and still got lost), confusion, always thinking too hard, eating way too much (he even gets up in the middle of the night to eat) and if we are in a hotel, there is no sleeping in because he had to eat and I had to do it with him or he'd throw a flat-out two year old's tantrum. Things are different now...

We lived together, and we are married. He leaves running water on and walks away from it until someone gets home, he stops in the middle of the street while driving if he gets confused about where we are going, even though he's been to the same place 100 times, he leaves towels on the stove while its lit; burning the towel and he will blame it on someone else in a minute, he has been asked for many years and I know this because his room-mate said, "will you please remember the recycle goes in the grey bin, not the rust colored bin... He always puts the garage in the green, the recycle in the garbage, and he just gets things mixed up no matter how many times he's shown the correct way to do it. He's dangerous and my 14 year old son even notices. I have talked to him about it and asked if he can try and get help and he says I don't know how. He didn't believe me when I said, "he has signs of adhd because it was for kids. His mom, and brother's have been laughing at him for years, just calling him stupid. When I told his mother she should have gotten him help long ago, I of course turned into the busy body who knows nothing, but she whispered and said, "is he still loosing his keys." He loosing his keys daily, and they are always in the same place. When he looks for them and I am not around he panic's, he never sleeps and collapse's when a week of this non-sleep goes by.

I don't want to leave because I really love him, but I will tell you this whole job thing has turned into a crisis. I promise you all this, he has had 60-65 jobs in the past 6 years since 2005. He has had 80-85 jobs in his lifetime, he's 43. He's all that most women would want in a man, but he's got ADHD... What do I do when I feel like sometimes I am dealing with a child. He seems clumsey and confused all the time. I get so irritated when I have to tell him another time how to get to the mall which is less than 10 miles away. I'm even more upset, when I have to tell him where to pick up my son from school which is less than 3 miles away. I'm trying, but I am loosing my patience and I love him. What can we do?

Marti

how to?

I've been reading a lot this morning about boundaries- how to set them etc.  what I'm confused about is how to set them in a healthy way- so many of the boundaries I see myself setting are actually  in reaction to hurt/ resentment - I'm not sure if I'm making boundaries or walls of protection- when my needs aren't being met by adhd spouse I try to engage him to no avail- then I become hurt- there is this constant power struggle- me giving to his demands and not getting anything back for my efforts- thus me feeling lonely in his presence - he decides when we interact whether it be emotionally or physically- he has asked me once or twice in the last two years if he's neglecting me- I find this question infuriating- it's as if he and his adhd (that he refuses to acknowledge) have all the power and I'm the servant to them both- I never feel lonely by myself but when I'm with my husband I experience an amazing amount of it- I'm not a control freak- I'm just struggling to show him what my needs are- any advice?

cheers

Hi marti, I feel your pain.

Hi marti, I feel your pain. The lonelyness, the feeling of being a mother instead of a wife, the feeling of wanting a husband eho you feel safe and secure with, that man that will fight for you but all he does is fight with you. I dont have anwers but know your not alone. That has helped me allot just reading others experience, Lots of luck. P.s. my mother in law in denial too, so much so i hardly speak to her i have allot of resentment towards her, feel like she didnt do her job and now me and my kids pay the price.

I wanted to comment in the

I wanted to comment in the direction thing with your dh. A really good friend of mine is directionally challenged. If he has to go to the school to pick up the kids or to go to an event, he has to drive home first, then start from there to get to the school. If he has to pick up something from the store on his way home from the school, he has to drive home and then start from there! He is a brilliant lab scientist! He just has what he calls "no sense of direction". He now has a garmin in his car to get to places he has been 100 times. I dont think it is specifically to add/adhd. My dads wife never drove by herself because she never knew where she was going or how to get there and my counselor said she Always got lost going to places where she has been a million times. It is very interesting how that happens. I hope he gets some help for his add.