New to this site but desperate for help!

My husband and I have been married for only 3 and a half years- I am 27 and he is 28. I knew he had ADHD when I met him because he talked about how it affected him at school. I never saw any signs of it while we were dating so I thought it was something he grew out of. I was wrong, over the last two years I feel like we have been on a down hill spiral.

This morning we had the worst fight we have ever had. I ended up throwing a dish and knocking everything off the counter. I have never been an angry person. I feel like I am trapped and that escalating my anger is the only way to get my husband's attention. We both decided that something has to change or our marriage will end.

 

Issues-

1) I have become an angry person. I blame him for making me this way. I know no one makes someone do or be something but this is how I feel today and I do not know how to change it.

2) We went to a counselor and bought books on ADHD. I have read the books and looked into the information given to us by the counselor, my husband has not even picked up the books or gone through the information that was given to us. He says he does not have time in his day but I feel he has to make time for our marriage.

3) We fight over nonsense. I try to choose not to get angry but I feel like we both push each others buttons and instead of choosing to look past the small issue we create bigger issues.

4) I am sick of being disappointed. I am sick of broken commitments.

I literally feel like I am going crazy. I feel very hopeless and I am not sure what to do. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

I hear ya...

I'm afraid I don't really have any advice to give you, as I'm kinda new to this...but I can say that you're not alone.  My husband (I'm 29 and we've been married for a bit over 2 years) just got his ADHD diagnosis last month after 2 years of broken trust, lying, fighting and disappointment.  I understand what you're saying about being angry.  I found myself getting angry a lot, but it was more out of frustration than anything else.  We've had terrible, awful fights and one where I honestly feared for my safety (he was cursing at me, ranting, breaking things, etc...) which made me demand that he get professional help.

We have books too, but true to ADHD, my husband started but didn't finish his.  I understand what you mean about needing to make working things out a priority.  It seems to me though, that part of ADHD is having a difficult time prioritizing.  And I'm trying to understand that it's not that he doesn't love me or want things to work, it's that the way his mind works doesn't realize that some things are more important than others.

I have been so frustrated over broken promises and commitments but I am once again trying to understand that another symptom is forgetfulness.  I used to get so mad that we would have the same fight over and over because he couldn't remember what we had fought about.  Now I try to remind him without nagging and I bought him a planner for Christmas hoping that he'll use it.

I know things seem hopeless, but I'm desperately trying to see things from his point of view.  I'm reading The ADHD Effect of Marriage to try to understand better.  It's hard, so hard.  Especially after so many years of not understanding, and anger and bitterness.  But I'm trying.  And he just start meds last month and we're hoping that this helps him and us.

Sorry I can't really offer too much, but you're not alone.  And you're not crazy.

Feeling the pain

I have been living with the inner guilt/pain/depression/ADHD due to being sexually abused during my whole childhood from my father. My wife & I at the time we were gf & bf went to couples counseling, and it was brought to my attention I had ADHD. I started on Ritalin 3x a day, That lasted 3yrs, along with more couples counseling. We got married, had a very rough start, and even rougher start to having kids. I could go on describing the issues my wife &I have had, and not really touch it all... in general, 

I have been an angry individual, the key point I am writing. I push buttons at people all the time. I will do anything for anyone, anytime. I am submissive, and have little control in my life. I am 45 with 3 young boys, we have been married 11yrs now. I've both physically and emotionally cheated on my wife, I have been diagnosed a sex addict with depression. I now take Pristique and have been for over 2yrs. I take Trazedone to put me to sleep. as long as I am busy with my self my day goes by. I am a mechanic, and have been a truck driver now and then too. Reading this you can see the ADHD cause I am all over the place, my wife points it out all the time. I lied, cheated, I dont play by the rules, I think I am better than most, I dont take instruction or criticizim from people lightly unless I like them.I have not physically hurt anyone, but the thought of destroying someones life because they crossed me happens alot. I left home to find a better life in another state and had my wife and kids follow soon there after, we are together as a family, but I dont feel it. I know they love me, my boys cherish me and I want to be a good father, but the depression and ADHD seem to hinder my ability. 

My wife finally had it with me and told me she is going back to her family and taking the boys. that is 1400 miles away. I lost it. today I called many friends and a crisis center, I am off Sun - Tues and am going in to see someone. I need my meds changed, I need to calm down and relax, I need to stop lying, cheating, hurting people, I know I am a mess, but my default is to just keep working and work to pay bills and more, not take care of me....

Sorry for the random thoughts, let me know if it helps. I am new here and every story I read in every blog/forum shreiks my name and what I have been going through in my life !! I curse my parents and 2 of 3 of my siblings. my sister called me today to help me, and I needed to go back to work, just before she hung up she told me she loved me, I instantly started crying. We rarely say that and she could hear my pain....

Be Safe.