We've only been together 5 months but it feels like alot longer. And already most of the threads on this site are sickeningly familiar. I'm very tired, have had a couple of drinks, and don't really know how to word it all. I already feel like I'm being sucked out of myself. Shouldn't we still be in the honeymoon phase?
All I can see from the posts on the site are that what I would have ahead of me if I stay in this is misery, continued bad patches, continued uncertainty as to how he actually feels about me, continued uncertainty about life in general, continuing to be a parent-figure in what should be a partnership, continued half-truths, potential for cheating, and a lifetime of a stress with those occasional glimpses of what we could be, could have been. And yet of course i'm crazy about him. He's got so many amazing qualities about him. He can be so full of life, he can be so caring, so loving, so generous (of course to anyone but me, now i'm not the attention of his focus) and this could work so well - as he's commented himself, between us, we make one amazingly awesome person.
We've been living together for a couple of months now. Not exactly a romantic move-in - he'd had a row with his granparents (who he lived with) & his friend and came over and never left. Apparently I saved his life that night. Although that strength of feeling appears to have been forgotten these days. I'm currently in bed with the two dogs (his 1 year-old dog and a puppy that is amazingly cute but that he decided I was getting) while he's passed out on the sofa. He's not even drunk as much (which of course i've paid for because compared to him i'm the responsible adult that holds down a job) as much as it usually takes for him to zonk out. Trouble is, it's not just ADD, although i'm fairly sure it's the main factor. Narcissim / BPD, messed up family past, history of drug-abuse are all involved.
In this grand total of 5 months i've dealt with 2 flip-outs, one account of 'things just happening to him' (naturally a couple of weeks after i'd become emotionally invested), god knows how many depressive days (oh yes, i'm mildly bi-polar and have the attention span of a gnat, so i do have a vague inkling of head-f**ks), disrespectful chat on facebook with the inevitable explanations that just don't seem to add up, a lie about something that happened before we even met, and of course that wonderful lack of accountability. Oh and of course covering everything on my admin salary because the job he had when we got together 'just didn't last'. Oh and the promises to go to the doctor. Of course.
I guess this is part rant, part 'is this really what i've got to look forward to for the rest of my life?', part (to quote the clash) do i stay or do i go now?' and part, just, i don't know. I love him so much and we've got so many plans. Maybe I'm just an idiot for getting involved so fast. I'm certainly feeling more like an idiot than the confident, bubbly girl i was before. I'm not really big on the online posting thing so i'm not even really sure what i'm doing here. Maybe i'll have more of an idea in the morning. I've been browsing these forums for a couple of months so I hope so.