Hi
Although iam not married to my boyfriend ( who is 44yrs old ) i searched the web and discovered this web site and could relate to a lot off the posts so hope i can post here ?
I have had 3 yrs with him and its a rollercoaster ride which i seriously need to get off for my own health , i can be up there in the happy place for say 2 wks then he will pull the rug from beneath me with his tantrums & childish behaviour throwing his teddy in the corner if things dont go all his way or the way he wants !
There are countless examples but i will try to describe how he behaves and hope for some input on his behaviour
Talks none stop (fast) cannot listen to people when having a conversation he butts in an example off this was when he met a friend off mine recently and the three off us were sitting together i knew he was on hyper mode but i just sat back and watched , she was trying to speak and he started speaking over her she told him she wasnt finished so he said 'go on then ' and as soon as she resumed what she was saying he got up and walked away ! this happened 3 times within a space off 15 min this behaviour is what i normally see in social situations with him he is very overwhelming and comes across like he is only interested in what HE has to say & listning to him talk constantly also wears me out and i just want to crawl away to a quite place
i have been ill recently and i think its because iam worn out with his behaviour so decided on thursday i didnt want to see him as i just could not cope ( he moves about in bed all night too punching up his pillows going to the toilet tossing and turning , twitching etc ) so because i said ( in a nice way ) i will just stay at home alone because i dont feel great ( could not cope with his hyperness when feeling ill but did not want to say that to him for fear off hurting his feelings as he is sensative ) he went off in to hyper space sending me vile txts swearing and calling me all sorts this is typical off him , he has marched out of my house many times when told something that he does not want to hear & is very remoresfull the following day.
Iam struggling to work out if this man is just very selfish , self centred , aggresave , self absorbed , iresponsable , a bully etc or has he ADHD this is the confusing part for me because he really does have a heart off gold he is fun but the constant fun ( believe it or not ) is taking its toll on me
He is terrible with his finances , he seems to have no boundries & it comes across as ignorant and i have been embarrased on many ocasions.
I love him dearly but he is a loose cannon and i used to say unpredictable but now its all predictable ( to me anyway ) maybee not to others my friend with whom we had the social get together said to me that she was surprised that nobody had regognised that he needs medicated !
I do love him but iam now at the stage where i have to consider my own health and life because for the past 3 yrs its all been about him in one way or another . me always making nice meals for us , i think he cooked once ! even all the discussions we have are about his behaviour my head is full off him and his problems
We discussed him going to the docs after one really bad episode off tantrums and he agreed that he would go , he has told me that he is waiting on an apointment but i think he is telling lies and just telling me this so that we can get back together ! he wants to move in with me and i wont let it happen because i could not cope
A recent arguement we had after the discusion about me thinking he should get an apointment at docs he started throwing this in my face ...'you cannot cope with my illness that fine' he uses everything to his advantage rather than fix it he will go on the defensive
I dont know what to do , keep helping him keep making everything about him or cut my losses and finish it now because if this is my future i dont think it will be good its a difficult situation for me as i do love him i dont mean to paint it all black and we do have some great times but it doesnt last long , i know relationships have there ups and downs and it cannot be rosy all the time but his behaviour is out off order.
Thanks
Make a choice
Submitted by marny on
You obviously care for your boyfriend greatly and I am sure that he is very lucky to have you in his life. If he has not actually been diagnosed with ADD or ADHD it is a little more difficult to completely understand what you are dealing with. Based on your information it seems typical of what most all of us are experiencing. Although, I feel like you are looking for answers for yourself though and you are at a crossroad with this relationship. You need to decide if you can accept his behavior as it is and understand that you won't be able to change him. You can't rescue him from himself. You can only take care of yourself and the rest should just fall in place if it is supposed to. IF he is diagnosed with ADD or ADHD then your life with him will still continue to be a roller coaster. Medication will not cure him but they may manage different areas. At this point, it doesn't sound like he has a reason to look for answers for himself. He has a great girlfriend that is meeting all of his needs. Why should he? Yes, all relationships have baggage and ups and downs - is this one you are willing to sign on for though? I would show him the facts of his bahavior, the symtoms of ADHD and tell him it is in his hands now and you are willing to go with him to the doctor. Stand there while he makes the appt. If he can't do this for you and ultimately for himself then I think the choice was made for you.
It's a very long road and something that will have to be managed for a lifetime.
Blessings,
Marny
Thank you
Submitted by jenny on
Thanks marny
Yes i do care about him very much but at some point i have to care about me
He has not been diagnosed yet but iam as sure as i can be that he is adhd , he has been in the army all his life and not really had many relationships , i have told him he has to go for help and iam sticking with that now & to tell the truth i dont know if i can handle the roller coaster the rest off my life its so wearing & tiring.
We are apart at the moment and iam enjoying the peace but this is the pattern which our relationship goes in , we have a great couple off wks then it breaks down.
The choice does now lie with him but feel a bit guilty as now iam thinking there is too much damage done so i dont want him to go for the help for me because i think iam done just have to be strong now and not go back with him or feel sorry for him or try to help him out financially or making him meals and generally doing everything for him which is hard when you care about somebody but iam basically getting nothing at all back from this its a one way street
Thank you
Hi Jenny, He has to get help
Submitted by Elisabeth on
Hi Jenny,
He has to get help for himself, not for you, and because he wants to get help. Don't feel guilty because you need to take care of yourself physically and emotionally as well. The thing is, if he does get diagnosed with ADD, that is really just the beginning - he will need to implement medication, counseling and ADD management techniques into his life for the rest of his life....provided he is willing to accept the diagnosis and act on it. Even then, these processes constantly need refining and tweaking. Many people think diagnosis and meds are the fix all and then expect everything to get magically better. It doesn't. For things to get better, the diagnosis has to be accepted and understood in every possible facet of the ADDers life and how that then impacts those in their lives. This takes a lot of time and patience from the ADDer as well as the non-ADDers in their lives too.
I agree with Marny. If you do want him to get help, present his behaviours and the symptoms and facts on ADD to him and see if that will get him over the line with a visit to the doctor.
Best of luck,
Elisabeth