How many out there have made internal resolutions, that pertain to having a "Better Marriage relationship"? LOL, So I bet I'm not the only one:) Let me ask another question here...How many of you say to yourselves after some little mole hill turns into a full blown mountain of an issue; Why didn't I keep my mouth shut; I know the mind I'm dealing with can not calmly reason, can not keep from interrupting! Why! do keep on hoping! LOL...LOL...Am I the only one?
OK...So here is my simple personal resolution: It's a scripture...James 1: 19....Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger...I am going to pray for God's wisdom and his personal help to be better at not engaging; I want it to become my new nature...My wife's chaotic living of life dictates that I be super wise, super patient, and be able to not give a reply to every blurt out (trap) that there is not an answer for... LOL....Needless to say I'm not there yet, and probably will never be...but, all things are possible w/ God who loves us:)
You know; most every post I read and write has a common theme....It seems we all want something from someone who isn't able to give it.....I hope that in 2016 I continue on this upward swing (thank you Jesus) of self-awareness of my living of life and the impact it has on others, and a heart of acceptance of the reality of how my wife's mind works and how it effects her living of life....
If I can do this faithfully day by day as the lord provides, then no matter the results, or circumstances that might spin off it, I will feel like I've been able to do what I'm called to do as a husband....
Happy New Year!
Happy New Year C! And best
Submitted by overwhelmedwife on
Happy New Year C! And best wishes to you and your family.
Keep the faith and keep writing
Submitted by jennalemone on
C, when I read your posts that contain faith-filled hope and biblical teachings, I am calmed. I grew up with firm beliefs and self confidence and this brings me back home to my young supported, pure soul. I have seen proof that church community and faith enrich lives of families. As I get older, I don't allow myself to have the faith of a child. I have a liberal education which taught me to think and be wary of propaganda or manipulation of any kind. There is some ambivalence in my faith. It was comforting to believe as a child and I allow myself to have the faith of a mustard seed. I take part in my church and pray. I ask God to fill our home with faith and protect us from evils. I have a feeling that my yearnings are a yearning for the faith and fullness of my heart. It seems you have a strong faith and are on solid ground.
Your writings are helping me come to that home place. I like your description of being super wise and super patient. I try to find a balance between having patience and and fighting for self respect and integrity. I was taught that sacrificing ourselves in love was Godly. I sacrificed too much of my self. I had too much patience. I am now trying to remember that it is not ME who has to sacrifice. It is what I struggle with. I guess I thought it was noble to be the lamb.
So what passage might we find to remember when fighting for integrity and being strong is in order? Especially for wives in a household where they must fight (against laziness, lack of character, alcohol, immaturity, financial irresponsibility) and have strength of character and faith to hold everything and everyone up without getting crushed and downhearted. I was taught a wife must be supportive and never fight. From decades of conditioning, I must now rise out of despair (caused by having too much patience) I endured for a long time and find the strength to lead this family. I had expected my husband to lead...I have only boy children. He looks to beer and diversions to get through one day at a time. All my good upbringing and church has not been enough for me to take leadership and enforce boundaries in a difficult situation. I was trained to support and pray.
In business situations I can take the lead. I have had positions of authority and am able to be firm. With family, however, I am soft and warm and accepting. This has not worked. Love does not always conquer all and I must change my efforts to be a matriarch over my H and sons. I must find strength and vocabulary to lead.
Good Morning! Jen...
Submitted by c ur self on
When God allowed Satan to test Job's integrity it got real bad for him...At one point after all his worldly possessions and all his children had been destroyed and he was lying in sack clothe an ashes covered with sore boles from head to toe in great pain and misery his wife was standing over him and she said..."Do you still maintain your integrity? Curse God and die!"
We don't have to fight for our integrity...Our integrity may be the only light in the dark places of our inhabitance. No one can take it from you; although when our faith fails like Job's wife seemed to do, many of us may compromise our integrity due to allowing the things of this world to take our eyes off of Jesus and thus allow our hearts to harden...But, hopefully we will answer them like Job answered his wife...“You speak as one of the foolish women would speak. Shall we receive good from God, and shall we not receive evil?”...
What does a person have when they forfeit there integrity? When we allow the sin of others to discourage us for walking in the light and maintaining our integrity? No, Jen we can't allow ourselves to be deceived by what is going on around us in a fallen world...If I forfeit my faith and integrity...That only leaves me w/ a carnal mind to run wild, that is incapable of knowing or sustaining any true wisdom or peace....Just the Hells of this life....Sadly I've traveled that road way to often in my weakness and unbelief....Hold fast to your child like faith!....God Loves us....He also says to us....You must be as this little child (innocent) to enter my Kingdom....So I can't do that right? Well the Spot less Lamb did it for us...It is Jesus our Savior who makes us righteous.
Jen, Jesus told Peter when he was speaking and acting wrongly this.... “Get behind me, Satan! You are a hindrance to me. For you are not setting you mind on the things of God, but on the things of man.” Jen all through the scripture this is the case, Paul talks about along with others....Set your mind...Take on the full amour of God....Jen the battle in in our minds....Roman's chapter 7...Paul talks about battling the flesh, and how everything he wouldn't approve of is the same things his flesh seeks to do...
We are complete in him...
I Hope your day is filled with his presents
Can't do it alone.
Submitted by jennalemone on
Here is the catch 22 in this (see above) acceptance that I must take the lead in my family. As J has said in a previous post, when someone else tries to plan and make decisions FOR another adult, that other adult becomes angry and loses trust. Yet, when left to his own devices, H does not come through....the state we are in now (financial lack of planning, lack of my trust in him, the silent treatment as a way to control me) because I LET him to his own devices. Unless we BOTH want to work and change, there is no change in our relationship. One person cannot make a relationship work.
Good point; sadly not all us or trust worthy.
Submitted by c ur self on
I agree with what you say here Jen; many of us are on different roads, with different agenda's and priorities in life...When this is the reality of a marital relationship. I suggest to you; not 5 out of 100 (adhd or not) can set down and calmly accept and honor their spouses reality, and move on, w/o high emotions, accusations and hurt feelings...Very few people don't want to force their own selfish view (expectations) of life on their spouse and the relationship. Whether they are aware (or can admit) of it or not....
One or both are usually always wrong about some things, ....(the word wrong here meaning contrary to what scripture calls husbands and wives to by in the relationship) but very few can accept their spouses living of life (when it differs from theirs) without letting it negatively impact their emotions and their efforts to be a loving spouse....I don't mean things life abandonment, adultery and abuse (deal breakers)....I'm just talking about simple day to day things that arise, we feel differently about...Most of us have such tunnel vision (especially if we have the ability to excel at making life easy) we struggle to accept others who do not...So we come off many times as self-righteous. And we probably are whether we mean to be or not....(Let me help you, let me show you, let me do it for you, let me tell you, let me fix you.) We may have the best of intentions. But this just creates anxieties and insecurities...(I can never be good enough for them)...We will beat the person we love up instead of making our worlds a little smaller, being a little more patient and little more accepting...And reducing all the expectations we measure each other by....
I'm sorry you have been forced into the mescaline role as the leader in your home. My Dad left when I was six, my brother's were 4 and 9....My mother was the sole provider for the most part...She was a breakfast and lunch waitress...We were loved, whipped and provided for. She was one of the hardest working women I know. We were happy and didn't realize we were poor, most of the time:)
I guess what I'm saying is some marriages just are not easy!...When I think of an easy kept marriage, I think of two people who daily hit the floor thankful, no excuses, responsible and accountable and get in each others way trying to serve and love each other...But, I am only responsible for one side of it.....Which is my goal in life toward my wife....And the only thing that hinder's me is when I judge she is failing, and it effects my efforts....The spirit of tit for tat...We have to rebuke that demon!
“In the same way, you wives,
Submitted by jennalemone on
“In the same way, you wives, be submissive to your own husbands so that even if any of them are disobedient to the word, they may be won without a word by the behavior of their wives, 2 as they observe your chaste and respectful behavior” (1 Pet 3:1-2).
After 40 years of marriage, I can say that this did not work. I had the patience of Job....more....more than 7 years....40 years!
Now I feel like a fraud. Living in a marriage that is only TRYING to be loving by one of us, but is not based on love and mutual respect. My marriage now is based on financial dependency and biblical commands. My smile is not genuine in my marriage anymore. How could it be? I struggle with this. Am I not to judge that the way we have been living is NOT GOOD? Am I not to have any expectations of my spouse so that he runs wild like a child as a model of irresponsibilitiy to my sons? While he giggles and plays, I can no longer hold my head up. I kept my anger and disappointment from my children and covered up most of H's failures and broken promises while I supported him in his endeavors and gave him the benefit of the doubt way too often. Now, he acts like the impish darling to everyone offering beer, jokes and permissive blather.
I don't know how to act or where to turn. I tried the biblical obedience. Did I not try hard enough? Did I not have patience? Should I just keep living life with faith and be a part of this marriage sham? My marriage has not been a comfort or a testament. My marriage has been a lesson to others to not keep your head in the sand and hope and pray that some day things will be better. I think many of us are saying this same thing. It is not getting better and we are not the person we started out to be but have been beat down in our attempts to make a loving faith-filled family with someone who seems to be in a world of their own without awareness that there is family who had looked to him for sharing lives and support.
Sorry for the rant. I use this forum to get my frustrations out and be heard so that I don't put it out in my personal world of family and friends. This is where I am this morning. I am trying to rid myself of my obedient nature and meekness in family dynamics. When I read the stories of people who are written about in the bible (other then Jesus) they are the ones who stood firm and took a stand and did things....not just prayed and waited.
"Pay attention to yourselves! If your brother sins, rebuke him, and if he repents, forgive him"."For freedom Christ has set us free; stand firm therefore, and do not submit again to a yoke of slavery".
The bible was written in times when slaves and women were not considered equal to the men. The men were to fight for the tribes and the women and slaves were to serve them and were inconsequential sold by their fathers into families to be servant to their husbands family. In today's world we still took and take our husband's family's last names as our own and our "maiden" name (our identity) is cancelled out when we marry. What do women do to be in accordance with the bible's commands yet her family is failing because of the man who is supposed to be the leader wants to play and be happy like a willful unaware child? I feel shamed that I served and supported him all these years.
jenna, I did the same thing
Submitted by dedelight4 on
I too, did the whole "patience of Job thing". Now, I am beating myself up for not being more demanding, even "bitch like", or SOMETHING.........anything, that may have been different than what I did. I have watched SO MANY men, fall over themselves to be with and please women who treat them like slaves/dirt, and go back for more. I totally don't understand that. Many men SAY they want a kind, patient, loving wife, and when they HAVE one, they get tired of it and want something else. Why IS THIS? God has a way for a family to be, and when a wife TRULY wants to please God first, and treat her husband well, it doesn't seem like there are many men who REALLY want this. It's like they want a sexy hot chick, that's also a mother figure, who bitches at them night and day. I can't TELL YOU how many marriages I've seen like this, and the men STAY with these women. But, GOOD, kind, honest and loving women get cheated on and left. WHY IS THIS? (once again) It's made me question SO MANY THINGS, and now I wonder how many men are TRULY God fearing men, who want to put God first in their lives, and love their wives as Christ loved the church?
I too, feel so stupid for believing and trusting in my husband for SO MANY YEARS, when all along, he has wanted someone else. How can he DO that to me? It's so unfair, and so hurtful. I can't even TELL YOU guys, how much. I told him that he SHOULD HAVE TOLD ME, instead of keeping it to himself. He prides himself now, that he "Did the right thing by staying and taking CARE of me". I told him I didn't want to be "taken care of", I wanted to BE LOVED.
I just wanted to add: There ARE men like c ur self on this site who does try very hard to live peacefully with a very difficult wife, and I think he's doing a remarkable job of that. He also said something about............we have all chosen people who cannot for some reason, give us what WE need or desire in a relationship. (paraphrased) I know our lives with people who have ADHD and co-morbid conditions are exceptions to the rule, but they still have a conscience, and still know right from wrong. Some choose not to do the right thing, even though they KNOW better. There's also J, who works diligently on his ADHD, to better himself and help others on this site, who is ALSO a remarkable man. I do wish there were more like these two.
My husband and I aren't going to make it, after almost 33 years together. I am so sad for what seems to be SO MANY WASTED YEARS on someone who couldn't AND wouldn't give me what I needed and desired, because he held on to a fantasy of another woman. That seems so cruel and heartless. I still have to ask the question WHY?
Submitted by kellyj on
First before I say anything else......thank you for being so gracious:) If you think about what you just said here and the questions to WHY? If you think about this from and insecurity standpoint....
a insecure person is not going to want to leave a relationship until he/she already has another one lined up first. They will also stay in a relationship even where they are being treated poorly and not want to rock the boat or speak up in fear that they will be rejected and left alone.
An insecure person will need their partners constant reassurance and validation just to be Okay and need others to take care of the emotional needs for them instead of being able to do this by themselves (self soothe).
An insecure person will be constantly disappointed that their unrealistic needs are not being met but will tend to blame that on the person who doesn't meet their needs even though they are out of scale and un- attainable. They won't or can't see their needs as being excessive. Instead....they will see the care or attention being paid to them as not being enough (or good enough) and blame that on the other person instead of blaming it on their excessive neediness.
And.....they will tend to stay in a relationship too long or even when they are unhappy out of fear of finding another one or being rejected if they try. Having that "sure thing" waiting in the wings is the only way they can leave. An insecure person will also be the first one to leave out of the same fear of rejection or being alone. Or the fact they see their extreme or out of the norm "needs" as being "mandatory" for their happiness and without those needs being met.....they will begin to look else where to find another source. The source of what they "cannot live without" ....or function and be happy with less than they feel they deserve.
Their need not to be alone might be confused with you thinking or believing that they truly want to be with YOU...or appearing like they love you because they tell you that, when in fact.....they are operating out of fear and not wanting to be alone or without being in a relationship. What they love is the feeling of being in a relationship since it gives them a false sense of security but in reality....."anyone will do" in that kind of thinking? Anyone that is who will keep them satiated all the time which from the get go.....is impossible to anyone to live up to that kind of expectation. Eventually......everyone will fail them and they will have to move on to find another source to bolster their own self esteem and validation.
I borrowed some of this from my readings on attachment styles in relationships. This is what I think is called "sub clinical".....meaning.....while not a disorder on that level, it falls into some of the same kinds of categories of behaviors but more on a garden variety commonly occurring basis in the majority of people to a certain degree. The more severe the degree....the more severe the behaviors become until it gets so bad that it crosses over into a complete disorder and dysfunction. No one is perfect and everyone has some insecurities at different times and acts on them occasionally. But not to the point of those fears and insecurities dominating their actions and actually doing the decision making for them against reason and then actually acting on them without regard for the other person.
Insecure people generally tend to see themselves as always being the victim in their relationships and blame what they are not getting on other people and get angry and dismissive when those same people fail them and fail to meet their needs. It's not the first thing you think of when you think of a person who is insecure.....but in reality.....they usually put on a pretty good show up front of being confident even to the point of arrogance and self righteousness.
Not exactly traits you would think of for someone who is really just the opposite of what they portray on the outside but are actually very insecure on the inside. Hurting and disrespecting other people may not be with intention.....but their fears and insecurities that dictate their decisions over ride their sense of responsibility to anyone else in exchange for not feeling insecure. Once they feel that for too long without getting what they "need" (as they see it)....their fears will drive them to start looking for another source since they cannot get these things (as they see it) by themselves without being with another person.
Instead of contributing evenly or adapt to a give and take style easily when needed.....they are more "parasitic" by nature and the relationships tend to be more one sided favoring the insecure persons over reaching or unrealistic needs that their insecurities create in more chronic and consistent manner over the course of time.
You on the other side of this will end up feeling drained, used and spent. It's helpful to understand at least for your sake.....it is not out of a lack of respect and caring for you or that they are bad or evil.
There is no nefarious intention behind insecurity but....none the less....it can leave you feeling like you do and that is not the fault of either one of you. You can't fill a black hole....you have to eradicate it completely and shut it down. "Feeding the kitty" in this case is the unhealthy thing to do. I know I said this somewhere on this forum.....but insecurity in my humble opinion is the thing that causes most of the damage in relationships no matter which way you slice it:)
J, incredible insight....thank you.
Submitted by dedelight4 on
J, I believe you hit the nail on the head with the INSECURITY thing. It makes total sense, and I believe it's what's happening here. Thank you for the behavior explanation. I knew some of it, but not to the extent that you stated. thank you.
"An insecure person will be constantly disappointed that their unrealistic needs are not being met but will tend to blame that on the person who doesn't meet their needs even though they are out of scale and un- attainable. They won't or can't see their needs as being excessive. Instead....they will see the care or attention being paid to them as not being enough (or good enough) and blame that on the other person instead of blaming it on their excessive neediness"
This is very fitting. My husband has always been a "blamer", whatever the situation, and it's been very difficult to get him to see otherwise. Example: When he misplaces his keys/or whatever, the FIRST thing out of his mouth is ( "______________(fill in the name) took my keys")...(."where did she/you put them?"). No one ever takes his keys, it's ALWAYS him misplacing them, but there is NEVER an apology for the anger and blaming for getting accused of stealing his keys on purpose just to drive him crazy. I know it affects his FEELINGS towards me and our daughters because he's THINKING we are always stealing/taking something and conspiring against him in some way, but it ALMOST ALWAYS ends up being his own actions that have caused his trouble, which he NEVER will admit.
And yes, HIS needs seem insatiable, and he wants me/us to show HIM love, but he doesn't reciprocate that. He wants me and our daughters to show HIM attention and affection, but he won't return even a small amount of the same. He's always been awkward and even "backwards" when it comes to expressing physical affection. That is often the case with young boys/girls at times, but when you get older, you can choose to act differently. I wasn't raised in an affectionate household....actually there was NO affection at all. But, when I got older I chose to be different and LIKED how it made me AND others feel by doing so. I went from an extreme introvert to being able to express words, feelings and affections deliberately and effectively that was beneficial in many ways. I didn't understand why my husband NEVER got over acting like a boy 8-12 years old, like recoiling from too much touch or affection, but yet he WANTED it at the same time, and then complained when I stopped doing it the past couple years. One person CAN'T do all the loving, touching, hugging, kissing, and showering of affection and the other person just TAKE IT ALL without giving back.
"Insecure people generally tend to see themselves as always being the victim in their relationships and blame what they are not getting on other people and get angry and dismissive when those same people fail them and fail to meet their needs".
Yes, he DOES, most of the time see himself as everyone's victim. His grandiose ideas of himself are extreme, and he's forever talking about himself as some sort of savior of other people, whose actions ALWAYS let him down. But, in REAL time, his "good deeds", aren't all that great. They are to him though. If he does a "little", for someone, to him it's HUGE. He verbally praises himself SO MUCH, it doesn't give others a chance to praise anything good about him, because he's already DONE it. But, then he comes off as just being arrogant and full of self praise. (pride) It's like he has TWO things going on at the same time. He sees himself as SO ABOVE everyone else, that it keeps him from SEEING the life and people around him, and at the same time, he has a SEVERE inferiority complex that keeps him from DOING what he should be doing for himself and others.
Self Love is SOOO Important
Submitted by kellyj on
You've got to love yourself first or at least....learn to like yourself at the very minimum. Love might get construed with being Narcissist but that is actually the opposite of a Narc. Deep down.....Narcs are very insecure and self loathing despite how they appear. I realized this myself in growing up and then later in my first relationships. I could see how I would change from being more secure to insecure especially having ADHD and not knowing it at the time. In fairness here to those of us who do have ADHD.....self esteem can be hard to come by at times since most people you meet don't know you have it either unless you were to tell them.
I am making it a point not to anymore only because most people have a tendency to see you differently and the treatment that follows changes once you do. On the other hand.....if you don't and people notice the symptoms....they tend not to be very forgiving based on themselves and what they know. This really is a catch 22 ....but this is where self esteem and feeling secure first is soooo important. If you start out feeling shaky to begin with.....it will not get better from there. I have learned this the hard way from my own experiences and when it comes right to it......the only real defense against the treatment or comments that you will get sometimes from other people is a solid sense of who you are and who your are not. No one can tell you who and what you are that is different than you know as long as you have enough self esteem to take a few hits and not take things to heart or let it bring you down.
On our behalf (ADHD'ers)....this is the challenge we face. Unfortunately from many stories here on this forum....instead of working on despite these challenges and making sure your house is in order on the inside (which does take a lot of work and effort)....it is easier just to be a victim to it and shift the blame or defer that responsibility onto other other people by blaming them instead.
I know in my past....I have walked a fine line at times and even crossed over that line for a while in my weaker moments but.....I will give myself the credit here of always finding my way back to square one way or another. I think for someone who started out behind the 8 Ball to begin with.....this might be a lot harder to do later on if they didn't learn how earlier in life. The thing is.....it really doesn't matter when this might happen.....it's always an internal fight that you keep having to keep winning over and over. If I had to say there was a curse having ADHD.....that eternal fight with yourself in relationship to how others see you at times is probably the most difficult thing to get a handle on and then keep yourself from falling back wards as much as you can.
I think this is what anyone who has ADHD must face and come to the realization that there really is "no rest for the wicked"......meaning.....there is not relaxing and just ignoring it and living in denial. ADHD is a cruel mistress that will not be denied!! lol
Jen I wish I could make it better....
Submitted by c ur self on
It's OK to rant; we all rant; we learn about ourselves here. Biblical Obedience by you, is for you, from an eternal perspective...It is always working for a believer from an eternal perspective...A husband or wife can have the most Godly spouse living and it does them no good until the light comes on in their own hearts...At that point they will receive power to see and be changed. This change will allow them the ability to recognize your love and be thankful for you...Until then it's self absorption and blindness.... I really do not know how to respond to much of your post; it sounds A LOT like myself before we went through the separation. And I am totally hurting for you...I can tell you what I had to do...I had to deal with me (My Anger, My unrealistic expectations for her)...But, it took at least 7 or 8 of the 11 months she was gone for me to get to a healthy enough place where I could accept the woman I married...I've said it many times...I will not answer for her sins, but, I will for my own...And blame will not hold up in eternity.... I really doubt I could have ever gotten to this place without the 11 months apart; I had to be healed before I could ever work on accepting her lifestyle....I do not recommend others do what I did, I'm not going to assume that responsibility...Although it may be necessary for the long term prognosis of the marriage, and personal health. Blessings... C
Submitted by Mrs Secret on
Your comments encourage me very much to keep looking up to Jesus in the middle of it all. I did study Job, on and off for the last years. Although we do not understand many things in life - like add - God wants us to trust him completely, Him the all-wise God. We cannot understand or know everything, but we can be comforted to know that He does.
In Romans 8:28 it says, that we know, that in all things God works for the good for those who love Him.
To me this is a big comfort and I hope for you too.
Submitted by Island-Girl23 on
"James 1: 19....Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger..."
Though I can't say that I am a Christian, my father is, and he sends me scripture all the time. I get into phases where I read the bible and try my best to understand the meaning behind it all. That passage right there is so powerful and so perfectly written. It's so inspiring. Great post C. Well said.