"Newbie"
Hi Everyone,
I stumbled on this site as I was looking for information about emotional abuse in marriages. My husband has mentioned that he thinks he could have add, but when we talk about it, he feels like he's being blamed for the problems in our marriage.
Does anyone have advice on how to support someone during the initial stages of facing the reality of having add? I don't want him to feel like he is being blamed, but after reading many of the posts on this site, I can see that all of our problems could probably be helped if we could look at these issues through the lens of add.
I have to say that tears came to my eyes as I was reading the posts, the frustration I feel is finally explained and it is actually something that can be dealt with. I honestly feel like I'm going crazy sometimes, I don't know what to deal with first, the inconsistency with regards to raising our child, the mood swings, the procrastination, the half-finished jobs....I'm feeling like a nagging wife, but we've only been married 2 years.
I'll continue reading the posts, but any advice for a newbie like me would be greatly appreciated.
Accepting ADD
Submitted by MelissaOrlov on
This is a great question. The first issue is to let him know that you differentiate between him, the person, and his ADD (the symptoms). Second step is to both learn more about ADHD. A great resource for this is Ned Hallowell's "Delivered from Distraction". A third step (can be done simultaneously) is to schedule an appointment for an evaluation for him. The way to position this is to say that finding a name for his symptoms, and learning how to deal with them will be a hugely positive force in both of your lives - it's better to make decisions from a position of knowledge than not. Getting the evaluation doesn't commit him to any specific path - he'll just know more and know what his options are and what the probable outcomes would be for each option.
You should be aware that this will be a very sensitive time for him - he will be tempted to think that there is "something wrong with him", which will make him sad and angry and lots of other emotions. He needs your support, as well as constant reminders that you may not love his ADD symptoms, but you do still love him, and he will be able to better navigate.
Best of luck with it.
It's about us.
Submitted by vcalkins on
I always used the word "us" when we went to couseling. We were going to work on "us". To find out ways "we" could improve our marriage. ADDers tend to blame themselves and my husband had two parents that blamed him for everything, too. Let him know that you have a lot to learn, too. Counseling can help you both.