Newbie

Hi I'm new to this forum.  Thanks for allowing me to contribute my story.  My six year marriage has been on the rocks for awhile now.  My wife has ADHD and I'm the non-ADHD spouse and it's been pretty awful.  I believe that dating an ADHD person is really great but being married to an ADHD person is awful.  And I'll explain why.  When dating an ADHD person, they hyperfocus on the new relationship 100% and it feels really great!  However, once the hyperfocus shifts to something else like a new career, then the ADHD person starts ignoring, abandoning, neglecting and abusing their partner.  The non-ADHD person is suddenly a very low priority to the ADHD person.  I'm married yet feel very  alone.  Everything is higher priority than me.  I've gone to the beach by myself, I've gone to the movies by myself and I've gone to restaurants by myself.  I'm actually considering going on a cruise by myself.  I don't need this in my life.  I'm a great person, I have a lot going for me.  I don't deserve to be ignored and neglected.  She doesn't even pay attention to the dog or the plants in the house.  They thrive under my care but are neglected under her care.  She was married once before and I'm pretty sure that ADHD was the reason for the divorce.  The previous husband cheated on her, probably because he was neglected and found another woman that would give him attention.  I believe that the ADHD spouse brings out the worst in both spouses.  I am so frustrated, my concerns fall on deaf ears all the time.  After repeating my frustrations to her over and over again, I eventually get upset and lose my composure and we start arguing.  And then she blames me for picking the fight when I just want peace and a happy marriage.  I am very close to filing for divorce.  Overall, I think she's a good person but a bad wife.  I wouldn't recommend that anyone marry an ADHD person.  Thanks for listening. 

I could have written the same

I could have written the same about my marriage, except that I'm the wife and my husband has ADHD.  He doesn't take care of the dog or the plants or me.  The marriage and I (yeah, I think of them as separate, although related, things) are the lowest priority.  He spends more time on the can than he does with me or doing things around the house.

 

The can

Lmao! Mine spent so much of his time ON the can. It was bizarre. 

I have been happily struggling since I left. Had a string of bad luck. I finally have a financial cushion and plan on my own place by Xmas. Our child LOVES daycare and my job is fantastic! My ex and I are still friendly, but I still have to set strong boundaries. He hasn't been handling his bills and tries to get help from me. He actually bought a new Harley he can't afford and I see his 1st payment is a week late. I ain't bringing it up and I'm not helping him. He can grow up.

Good luck to you all. 

I totally Agree

ADD/ ADHD seems to make people wonderful girlfriends/ boyfriends but lousy spouses. I'm married to a man who is heavily suspected of having ADD - and although he agrees it's very likely he's dragging his feet on treatment.

On bad days, when he walks off while I'm in the middle of trying to speak to him... Or he's interrrupted and talked over me again and again.. Or he's promised to do something 'in a minute' but hours later he's still stuffing about on the computer etc - I've thought exactly the same thing. He was a fantastic boyfriend. But as a husband - not so much. It's a very lonely life at times... Being married to someone who actually doesn't seem to need you except to cook their dinner.

For me, the hyperfocus stage lasted until after we had our first child. So I was properly stuck. I try not to feel bitter about that. I don't always succeed.

Great person....

I have said it many times. Great person, terrible husband. When I finally realized that my husband was no longer my friend, the relationship went downhill. He was upset and wanted to change, but unable. 

So sad:(

My needed me for everything, but I could not get my needs met. 

That downhill feeling

I totally hear you. I'm still hopeful that with treatment things will get better. I've got to keep believing that for the kids' sake, if not my own. But I've got that downhill feeling that he's not really my friend if he isn't interested in anything about me, my day, how I'm feeling... Well - understanding why, helps a little. But it doesn't make it all better.

On Sunday we actually had a really fun spontaneous conversation, with joking and both of us contributing! It's been so long since that happened... That used to be how it was all the time. I miss those old days so much.