Difficult time in my marriage to ADD hubby with ADD kids

Hi all,

I'm new here. Hoping for some help, insight, support. My husband of 12+ years was diagnosed last year We also have two children who are diagnosed. I have always loved him. I thought we had a happy marriage. But apparently he hid a lot of things from me.

Two years ago I found out he had an emotional affair. It ended. We went to therapy and I learned that for all of our marriage he had been building up a wall of resentment toward me. We both work full time, but he did more of the cleaning and cooking while I did more of the home organization, scheduling, planning, packing, etc. I had depression at times in our marriage but I was raised to discuss feelings and be very open. Admittedly I was not prepared to be a housewife. I was overwhelmed and he seemed used to a different level of cooking than I was. He took over these tasks, and I let him. If he didn't like eating the way I did then I was fine letting him cook. I thought he liked it. I wish he would've expressed his feelings to me about this. Years later, he had mentioned going to marriage therapy but at the time I thought we were fantastic but busy and couldn't see how we could find the time or why we'd need to go. He never explained his feelings. Apparently, that lack of understanding on my part was his justification for the emotional affair. It went on for 1-2 years. I discovered it, he never told me. After we'd bee in therapy for 2 years I discovered he'd been having another one that whole time. Again, emotional. Again, he blamed me. I never thought he would be unfaithful in any way. I thought I had the best husband of any woman I knew. I thought he was a bit too friendly at times with women, but I chalked that up to him being a late bloomer who never had much dating experience and figured he just didn't understand. But it bothered me that when I would try to tell him something bothered me, he wouldn't get it. He acted like it was sexist that married men and other women can't be friends etc. He didn't seem to understand what crossed the line into flirting.

He's become irritable. He is on meds now. He often blames me. I'm sensitive to guilt based on how I was raised and I feel like he knows how to manipulate me and does it on purpose. All of the lies I only know about if I discover them. He never discusses feelings. Rarely compliments me. No physical affection at all unless it's mandated by our therapist. I have changed my behavior based on what he says he needs in a partner. I cook the meals. I clean. He hasn't changed his behaviors. Nice one minute, cutting remark the next.  He seems to keep demanding more of me and reminds me of my past misbehavior. It's like there were invisible hoops I didn't know I was supposed to be jumping through for all these years! He has actually said he can't trust me! and that all my efforts now are just an act!

Our therapist says I need to set a time limit in my head, and if he doesn't "step up" and put in some effort into repairing our marriage by then- I need to be ready to seperate. I can't make him love me or change. He says he wants to fix things. But he has also told me talk is cheap when I make promises...

I'm fearful of the example this is setting for my children. My son seems oblivious so far but I know my daughter is concerned and I've talked to her as much as is appropriate to ease her fears. I don't want them to think that them having ADD means they can't have successful relationships/marriages.

Anyone been through this? If we do seperate I hope it would be temporary. I've always loved him and I still do. I believe the man I fell in love with is still inside of him. I know he feels guilty. I think he's lost sight of himself too. I can't tell if he dislikes me or this new version of himself. I want him to be happy. He's a great dad, but it seems like he is addicted to the attention of other women and it's ruining our marriage. I can't trust him and my once healthy self esteem is in the toilet.