My husband and I have been married for ten years. He has a 14 year old daughter from a previous marriage, I have a son of the same age, and we have a 6 year old daughter together. He is not taking any form of medication or therapy.
Over the time we have been together, it has been a struggle for me to deal with his lack of reliability and inconsistency and it has gotten progressively worse. I no longer feel happy in our marriage.
The overwhelming bulk of organising, scheduling and being responsible for our family's wellbeing falls to me. I never feel as if he is there to support us. Its as if he is incapable of seeing what happens around him or thinking of pitching in to help. He is unreliable and inconsistent. Even when i ask for help or tell him how i am feeling, he brushes me off, making jokes, or makes promises he never keeps. I have tried numerous approaches. It always ends up me being at the point of exhaustion and desperation and it blows up. The end result is always the same. He is defensive, angry, turns it around on me, makes out like i constantly criticize him. I usually get the silent treatment afterwards which feels like a punishment, and then afterwards he pretends it never happened, with no apology or communication. It doesnt ever feel resolved. but it happens again and again, the same underlying issue in different situations, which is he doesnt see me or how i am struggling despite me telling him. After a fight he will bustle around doing chores as if to say "look how much i do", but it never lasts.
Over the years we have also dealt with many health issues with my son. I have always been the main caregiver and mostly felt entirely alone in carrying the burden. To the point of terrible anxiety and depression.
As well as the day to day things, whenever there is a time of difficulty he leaves me to manage it alone. I feel most of the time he is living his own life first in his own head, knowing i am there to handle everything else. Its exhausting and makes me resentful. He just doesnt see what happens around him.
He owns his own business, works from home and sets his own schedules. Yet i am always having to plan the familys needs and schedules without his input because he seems to only be able to focus on one thing at a time. His work, or what interests him at any given time. Or what he thinks is priority. While i have a full time high pressured job myself and have to juggle everything else for the family. He could help out more because his work is more flexible, but he chooses not to, because we dont seem to ever feature on his mental list. I rely a lot on my mom to help which upsets me. I have a husband who could help but doesnt. Its embarrasing and i find i make excuses for him a lot.i dont have anyone to talk to about things either.
Example...My car broke down and has been in for repair for weeks. He took on the job of taking it in and communicating with the mechanic which has been a disaster. He doesnt keep me up to date with what is going on and i constantly have to ask what the news is. In the meantime i have had to juggle getting kids to school and me to work, relying every day on my mom for help. I have to make these arrangements and he takes it for granted that i will. He has a car which he uses for work when he goes out to see clients. Most days he is home before us and could pitch in but in all these weeks he has not done so once. I have told him how much strain i am under, and how its frustrating taking advantage of my mom. But it has no effect on anything, he has not once made an attempt to communicate what is happening or pitch in to help with transport. I have also directly asked if he could help out, and it is a non committal answer, that he will see, he cant give me a definite answer, it depends on how his day goes. It eventually blew up into an argument where i said i felt like he just is incapable of putting himself in my shoes and the urgency of the situation.
The inconsistency and unreliability in so many areas makes me feel my feelings are worthless in the marriage. Most of my stress and energy goes into constantly having to be flexible and think on my feet due to his inability to commit and his lack of planning. Im let down a lot. And the fact i cant approach him about it without repercussions makes me wonder if this marriage is salvageable.
I could also go into the many typically ADHD symptoms and behaviours such as hoarding, untidiness, disorganisation and financial management which also cause a great deal of stress, because those are other issues which causes a lot of problems too. I think the lack of communication and inability to feel empathy and act on it really hurts. I feel the load is too heavy to bear on my own. He seems to just live life in his own head while.me and his children are left on the outside. Its devastating.